Ask A Dude: Am I Only A Friend With Benefits?

Ask a Dude-1

Got a guy question that’s tearing you up inside? Don’t trust your girl friends to give you honest advice (because they’re afraid if they tell you the truth you will freak out and throw things at them)? Just want to try and understand what a guy is thinking?

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Hey Dude,

Ok, so I have this male best friend. We have been super close for a long time and a few weeks ago we hooked up. I never really thought of him that way but after that night I’ve started to think about how he’d be a really good boyfriend. Anyways, since then we’ve been hooking up pretty consistently every weekend. But he only calls me to come over when he’s drunk. I realize we are entering friends with benefits territory but that’s not what I want. I mean, I know we love eachother as people and now it’s clear he’s also physically attracted to me, so it makes sense that we would be a perfect couple. I don’t know if that’s what he wants or how to find that out. I don’t want to mess up our friendship (although, after getting naked with him I’m not sure how it’s NOT messed up), but I also don’t want to just be his booty call.
Help. Please.

Best Friend With Benefits

Dearest BFWB,

Men are creatures of ritual. We love wearing the same funky jersey when we’re watching our favorite team play; we use the same cologne for years because we believe it gets us chicks; and we would probably never change our boxers or our sheets if it was up to us. You following?

Your BGF (best guy friend) is likely never going to change the situation, because he has a pretty good setup (naked time with his best friend, without many strings attached) right now. However, this doesn’t mean that strings aren’t wanted, it just means that he is very unlikely to change his conveniently nude ritual any time soon. Especially if he thinks you’re loving the way things are goin’ right now, too.

Unfortunately, women play this game with themselves very frequently. Here’s the facts: if you want to know if he wants more (and you want more)… ask him. If you don’t lay it all out on the table, and learn what he is really thinking or wanting from your “with benefits” setup, nothing is going to change. Of course you have to go into this prepared that he might really love the booty call, without loving the rest, but that’s the risk you have to take. And, let’s be real here for a second, isn’t knowing better than just dragging it all out? The relationship is going to be strained regardless at this point, so it’s in your best interest to just suck it up and put it all out there.

Be honest, speak up, and talk about what you both want (otherwise, you’ll be part of his man ritual forever).

Good luck,



    1. Casey says:

      I'd like to say that make sure it's REALLY what you want before you put it all out there. This line, "I never really thought of him that way but after that night I’ve started to think about how he’d be a really good boyfriend." caught my attention. Oftentimes we'll know a guy pretty well, but we don't begin to like him until something happens to bring our attention to him in a romantic way. For example, he tells us he likes us, someone else tells us said guy likes us, or we hook up with him when we're drunk.

      You need to really think hard about this. Do you really like him and want him for a boyfriend? or are you just dazed from this new interaction with him? I personally have had this situation happen three times (yeah, you'd think I'd learn), I learned the guy liked me and only then did I begin to develop some kind of feeling for him (the relationships never worked out, I always ended up realizing I didn't really like them). It's most likely the attention you're getting from the guy that you like, not really him himself (yes, you like him as a friend, I'm talking about more than a friend though. Just to clarify.)

      So after you determine if you do in fact like him, then you need to lay it all out. Ask him what this all means to him, say you don't want it to hurt the relationship, but this added attention is beginning to make you see him in a new light, and if he doesn't feel the same then that's fine, you want to continue to be friends, but you can't continue to just be a "booty call" for your sake, and the sake of the friendship. He'll most likely be understanding of that, and if not, then he's probably not really worth the time and hurt anyway.

    2. Sara says:

      I'd be thinking about it pretty thoroughly, because she just thought of it after they slept together it could just be the hormones released from sex. That definitely changes everything.

    3. Swanky Bubbles says:

      I was a BFWB for a few months and got sick of the complication. So when I told him I was uncomfortable with the situation, homie had NO idea I felt that way and asked instead if I would consider "making it official". I won out in the end because we're engaged now but the point is, boys are always surprising us – positively and most often, negatively.

      You'll never know until you ask him.

    4. Tom says:


      Talk to him, but don't just ask him what he wants, because he might be too afraid to admit that he REALLY likes you now (or has been in love w/you for some time.) Why? Because nothing scares a guy more than admitting to feelings for a girl (or another guy, I suppose ;-)) and finding out that the other person doesn't love him back.

      Just tell him that you love him (in the "as a person" voice, but don't use the words) _and_ the sex, and that you want to be his (platonic) friend or his girlfriend, because the FWB sex is hurting both your friendship and the potential for a BF-GF-relationship.

      It's really a no-lose situation, if you think about it. You either get a BF or you get your old friend back.

    5. Campus Diva says:

      You definitely won't be JUST a friend with benefits if you check out how to make the perfect sex video…

    6. Not a Clue says:

      I'm 35 female and he's 33 single male… Not sure what this guy wants from me… when we first met we were flirting, a little kissing and touching… I'm involved in a relationship so I backed off… anyway, off and on we are still friends – I consider him a very dear friend and enjoy hanging out with me… We have been "friends" for a year, he has had me meet his brother when he was in town, he seems like he wants to hang out with me, involves me in his plans, etc… well recently I received several phone calls and emails from a girlfriend he has had and I had no idea. We have only been friends so I don't understand why he never told me about her… was he perhaps interested? Anyway, after a couple of weeks we are friends again and he wants to hang out with me again… I am confused of what he wants from me? Am I the girl who he wants around to massage his ego – pump him up? … A guy's response would be nice!

    7. lost in it all says:

      this guy that i have liked since freshman year came over to my house the other day to talk. i had just got out of a relationship and i thought that i could talk to him about it all. well in the middle of talking he said he wanted to watch a movie. i thought it was no big deal so we put a movie on and he told me to get closer. that he wanted to cuddle. i layed closer to him knowing nothing would happen since he is a virgin and i have a purity ring that he knows i am proud of. then after awhile of cuddling and talking he kissed me. after we kissed i looked at him and asked did you mean to do that. he said that he has liked me since he first saw me and that since he was moving off to college he didnt want to get into anything that he would have to break off. but if that was the case why does he kiss me and say he likes me… im so confused. he always wants to come over but ever since i started asking him about his feelings he doesnt talk much or tries to get out of answering the questions. please help.

      1. APRIL says:


    8. Dazed and Confused says:

      I am actually going through a situation very similar to BFWB. I have been best friends with this guy for about nine months now and we have been off and on FWB the entire time. He is terrified of relationships and everytime that we get close he begins to push me away. I feel like I cant ever talk to him about my true feelings for him because it would ruin our friendship. I dont know if I should tell him that I am in love with him or short change myself and leave things the way that they are? I just don't know how long I can keep this up, but it is just like The Dude said he is a creature of habit and he is probably not evening thinking about me having feelings for him. If anyone has any advice please let me know.

    9. Amber says:

      I have been seeing this guy for 2 1/2 years, I've never met his family or friends. All we ever do is have sex he has never taken me out and we rarely speak on the phone a we text occasionally. Lately he has been showing more interest in me and telling me how much he likes me a lot, calling me babe, sexy, saying that I was his baby. He has been texting and calling more frequently, I like him a lot but I am afraid to ask him for more because i'm afraid of being rejected.

    10. soconfusedsocal says:

      So here's a good question… My neighbor and I are always together when he's not working. What I don't understand is when I try to make plans togo out with my friends to go have a drink at a bar or even if I go out alone he calls and complains because Im going out, and he tells me I am retarded for even going out and not hanging out with him. We do have a FWB thing going on. Sober or Drunk doesn't matter to either of us. He's very attentive he always texts when he's outta town for work and he admits he misses me but then on a random night where HE is drunk he says "you know we are just buddies right", then kisses me or hugs me

    11. soconfusedsocal says:

      . Im 100% lost! The other day he brought me 3 yellow roses with a little stuffed monkey and texted me asking if I was at work or if I was still at home running late. (I work for his dad), and he was just curious b/c he got me a little something. We always have a good time together, he's there when I cry, he calls me when he cries and it's just a mess if you ask me. We do go out on the occasion but we like to stay at his parents house and watch lame movies and pass out cuddling. From my experience FWB don't cuddle after sex, kiss, etc. Someone PLEASE explain. Am I really wasting my time with him when I could be goin on dates????

    12. candice galvan says:

      just curious. I have been with this guy for a little over a month now . In the beginning we had fun and sex. Now nothing. I have tried to talk to him about it but he just gets mad. I just need to know whats going on?

    13. Sandi says:

      So here is my scenario… I m 61 he is 59, I have known him for over 2 years, we have been dating 9 months, we go out quite a bit & always have great sex & often. The problem I am having now is he told me he likes me alot, loves spending time with me. I asked him if we are exclusive & he said yes, then I asked him where he sees this going and he could not give me a clear answer, so I am thinking we re friends with benefits. What should I do to get him to tell me how he feels about a long term relationship with me, or tell me we are we just friends with benefit. If that is the case should I end it? Because I want someone to spend the rest of my life with, I am older as stated above & dont want to waste precious time on someone who cant commit.

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