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LDR, Meet The LDF (Long Distance Fight)
October 3, 2009 Posted in Uncategorized
My boyfriend and I had our first fight the other day and it was harsh. I’m not any good at fighting; the second I sense confrontation I shrivel up inside. But what made this fight SO hard was the fact that it was done long-distance.
LDR’s have their pros and cons, but fighting is a definite con. Why is fighting so much harder in long-distance relationships, and how can we make it easier?
You Can’t See Each Other
A good percent of communication is nonverbal. Body language and facial expressions are essential to understanding another person’s intent. When you fight over the phone, as in an LDR, you lose these important aspects and things can come out much harsher (or nicer) than you intend. To help remedy this problem, speak clearly and honestly to make sure you both truly understand where the other is coming from.
The Silent Treatment Is So Much Easier
All you have to do is hang up the phone, or refuse to answer in the first place. It’s a tempting thought when you’re really upset, but you’ll never resolve the issue without communicating. The best advice I can give you is don’t hang up! It’ll just upset you both more (your partner will be upset you hung up and you’ll be upset if they don’t try calling back). Talk through the issue and refuse to cut off communication until some agreement has been made, even if its just that you’ll talk it out more later.
No Make-Up Sex
The only good thing about fighting is make-up sex, and it’s pretty much impossible in an LDR. After a fight, we usually need some sort of physical contact (a snuggle or a romp in the sheets, you decide) to reassure us that everything is OK. Without physical contact, the hurt feelings may not fade as quickly and the fight might not feel over, even if it is. The only thing you can do about this is reassure each other that you love each other (say it out loud!) and keep communicating in all the ways you were before.
Do you girls have any advice for handling arguments in an LDR?
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Darwin-New York Univ says:
Sat, 3rd Oct 200912:10 pm
It can be rough, but it's important to be civil over the phone and talk it out. It sometimes is good to just not speak for a little bit and let a few hours go by. Emotions can run high and falling down from that can help.
But yeah, getting hung up on is a horrible feeling. Bad idea.
Maggie says:
Sun, 4th Oct 200910:46 am
I definitely agree w/ your advice! My bf & I have been doing the LDR thing ever since he graduated this May and we argue a LOT. It really helps that he's super patient with me, but we also made some ground rules like, don't hang up on each other if we're mad.
Another piece of advice that I would add is something that I heard from someone a while ago. It's pretty natural to fight in LDRs because you miss the other person & you're lonely. Just realize that it's usually to be expected and that sometimes, we pick fights because we want to feel the emotion that we would be experiencing in a non-LDR. I'm probably not the best person to be doling out advice (b/c I pick fights), but just try to keep that in mind when you guys are arguing over something trivial.
Miss Lissy says:
Mon, 5th Oct 20095:39 am
I guess I'm lucky because we don't argue super much, but I have to tell you, for being in an LDR, the best thing to do is get webcams. This will help you work things through because you'll be able to see his face and figure out what his facial expressions are – it helps with the non-verbal communication.
Carly says:
Mon, 12th Oct 20095:15 am
Agree with Lissy . . . SKYPE workers wonders for this. I have had LDR fights on the phone and on SKYPE, and the SKPYE fights are way more preferable.
Kelly - Simmons Coll says:
Mon, 12th Oct 20096:03 am
Lissy and Carly: Webcams are great, except when you have roommates and don't want them hearing every detail of your fight.
Maggie: You're totally right about picking fights. I think the best thing you can do is take a minute to think about things before you start a fight and ask yourself if your upset because you're actually angry, or because you're lonely. Taking a few breaths before saying something I know will start a fight has helped me avoid picking a lot of meaningless fights.