I’m Torn: Friends With Benefits

October 5, 2009 1:00 pm     Posted in Reality, Relationships  Noa - CU Boulder g+ page

friends with benefits


By Noa

Like most women, I get a little horny sometimes. (And like all women, I wish there were a less disgusting term to use to describe that phenomenon.) The fact is, I have needs and it gets a little old to be using a battery operated machine to fulfill them all the time. I love my vibrator, but it can’t cuddle with me, or play with my hair, or tell me how hot I look thanks to all those grueling Sunday morning boot camps.

And the longer I’m single (which is a long, LONG time – the closest thing I’ve had in the past 3 years was a guy I was dating for 2 months who broke it off with me via email…and called me the wrong name), the more I’m inclined to get into a Friends With Benefits relationship.

But I’m not sure I should really let my hormones make any decisions for me. Lord knows that doesn’t work out when I’m PMSing and those bitches tell me to eat an entire pizza…and dip it in ranch dressing.

Needless to say, I’m torn.

Love It:
Let’s be honest – we all want a relationship, but sometimes that relationship doesn’t happen and we’re left all by our lonesome. That means no consistent booty, which makes the #1 benefit of an FWB “Booty on Demand.” I am a twenty-something woman and I have needs. Needs that are only intensified when Ketel One is coursing through my veins. The fact that I can dial for booty is incredibly enticing. No more going home alone and scouring the house for batteries; just a simple “wanna come over?” text and I’m halfway to pleasure-ville.

But even more than the actual sexy time, an FWB is fun and exciting. It’s someone to think about when lecture gets boring, someone to flirt and play games with, and someone you are comfortable enough with to try new things. And it’s just someone else to hang out with when all your girlfriends are having date night with their super serious boyfriends and there is nothing to watch on TV.

Loathe It:
Well, duh, someone always ends up getting hurt. No matter how much you both try to (or convince yourselves) that this is a no-strings-attached sitch, there are strings. And they are attached. Maybe not on an “I love you” level, but in a “you are supposed to be my FWB, I am not going to share you!” sort of way.

And then there’s the fact that instead of going out and meeting new guys who could be actual boyf material, you are leaving the bar early to get naked with someone who will never commit to you. You’re wasting your time and skills on someone who will never give you what you ultimately want/need, which is someone who calls you before midnight when they aren’t elbow deep in Bud Light.

But then there’s that little horny devil on your shoulder telling you to ignore all that ish and get thee an FWB.
Sigh.
Is there really a right answer here?!

14 Comments on "I’m Torn: Friends With Benefits"

  1. rach says:
    Mon, 5th Oct 20099:14 am 

    i am going through the exact same thing right now! i just started hooking up with one of my guy friends and its great and all, but i am worried it will keep me from finding someone who does have boyfriend potential. until then… i'm having a pretty damn good time ;-)

  2. La says:
    Mon, 5th Oct 200911:26 am 

    This is so dead on. It's this weird dilemma… I recently got with a guy I work with (bad move) while drunk a few nights ago, thinking it would be harmless and we could both just have a little fun for a night. No. Now I'm getting consistent texts, calls and IMs asking when I'm free this week, if I'm busy, etc etc. I didn't want any of this. So yes, it is true, there always winds up being strings and complications.

  3. adele says:
    Tue, 6th Oct 20098:03 am 

    Honestly, this whole situation got me pretty hung-up over a guy and I'm still trying to get over it. We became pretty serious FWBs the first three weeks back to college, and then as soon as I started to take it to the next level, he decided to take it down a couple levels. Where we ended up was a disconnected "I-like-you-but-I-really-don't-have-time-to-date-you" sort of deal. Now I see him walking around with other girls, staying at other schools for sorority parties, and it does hurt me just a bit. I say if you're going to enter the FWB line, you're going to just need to accept that there will most definitely be strings attached, and that even if you try to convince yourself that you won't (like I did), you WILL end up liking the person more if you have that connection. Keep your distance so you don't get hurt. It sucks.

  4. hater from siloam sp says:
    Tue, 6th Oct 20091:11 pm 

    As a guy, I can tell you that there's no such thing as "friends with benefits". It's just a story you tell yourself which makes you feel less guilty in the short term for letting some guy use you for sex.

    If you want to sleep around, just sleep around and don;t lie to yourself about it — but if it's worth ffeling bad about at all, figure out who you need to be to find the guy that you want to be with the rest of your life, work yourself to become that person (which should be you and not something phony or forced), and then the right kind of guy who is a real person will fall in love with you and you will then have to work hard together to make that relationship last a lifetime.

    Sex is not a hobby, is it? If it is, then just be a hobbyist — but if it's not, and you need more than the tingle in your private parts, then go after that and get that.

  5. Daniel says:
    Tue, 6th Oct 200910:50 pm 

    I've NEVER seen FWB situation work, either in my life or any of my friends, or my friend's friends. I'm not saying don't do it, you're an adult, you are single and having fun, etc. BUT don't expect the FWB thing do work. Some one always (or both) gets too attached, hurt, etc. Too much drama, and in the end isn't that what you were trying to avoid? Let's face it, let's be honest, relations with men and women are best when in a mono-mono situation.

  6. C says:
    Wed, 7th Oct 20099:30 pm 

    actually not all FWB situations turn sour… my and my boyfriend of two years started out as "friends with benefits." it was great because we were comfortable trying new things together, and became incredibly close even before we started dating :)

  7. Hulk says:
    Wed, 14th Oct 20093:47 am 

    it ain't easy being single and horny. there are two women i'd like to date at work. one i got emotionally attached to moved away and i was an emotional wreck for a year. i NEVER want to go through that again. fantasy versus fact. it is nice to fantasize about it, but fact is one of the two can be very hurt. if you're willing to take the risk then do it. i'd like to think if you're friends before, then if you're mature enough just recognize it to be a temporary thing (in case one finds another to have a relationship with), then you can be friends afterwards. peoples' emotions do get involved. and i know two women at work who hooked up with the same guy at work and now they don't speak to each other. awkward.

  8. Claire says:
    Thu, 15th Oct 20095:52 pm 

    I know that I'm probably the only person who this has happened to, but I was fwb with a guy for a year and a half… we started out just being casual acquaintances and eventually progressed to being one of eachother's best friends at school. A few weeks ago we decided that we actually really liked each other and started officially dating, and everything's working out perfectly. I know that it's highly unrealistic and usually NEVER happens, but thought that I would just let you guys know that it can and does happen!

  9. heather says:
    Tue, 3rd Nov 20093:48 pm 

    i have been in this situation the guy would call me over at three am to hunk his horn we were together for four monts and we engaged in activietes he told me he liked me and he wanted to be my boyfreind but he said he had no time and it wouldnt be fair no he has a girl friend and im left in the cole wait ago for me i feel so happy not

  10. on the rebound says:
    Mon, 14th Dec 200912:00 pm 

    Speaking as a girl who just got out a a serious relationship and is not interested in the whole dating scene right now, FWB is perfect. I want to have fun. and WHY NOT? I found a cute guy friend that I've known since we were kids. We liked each other back then but now our lives are both really busy to purse a relationship with anyone. so i think as long as we are clear that this is a temporary solution, starting FWB wont turn into a permanent problem. In response to hater from siloam springs, my definition of FWB is a label for rebound relationships; if both people see it for what it is no one gets used.

  11. Rohr says:
    Sat, 6th Mar 20108:07 pm 

    Well here's the thing. Yeah, FWB usually starts out with the best intentions, that is, just casual hook up sex with no strings attached.

    Problem is, sex does change your FWB situation, and it changes constantly, over time. What you agreed to in the beginning may not be true 3 or 6 months later. Sooner or later, one of you will want more.

    In some rare cases, FWB works well, but I'd wager that 95% of the time, someone ends up getting hurt emotionally.

  12. yeah says:
    Wed, 30th Jun 20109:35 am 

    I am in the middle of this scenario right now and am really curious as to how it will play out. I have a group of friends, one of which is my FWB. We go out, we flirt and we always end up sleeping together once or twice a week. This has been going on for about 9 months now and I am starting to develop feelings for him… I get jealous when he talks about other girls or flirts with other girls, and I think he gets jealous when guys hit on me. I told him a few months ago (when we were a "little" tipsy) that I wanted to date him but he said he didn't want a gf. After that we slowed down a little but now it is progressing again more than it has during the whole 9 months. I know he doesn't want to date, but he also does things to keep me "his" ex: tells me I look cute, flirts, watches if i'm talking to another guy. I don't know what to do. In my opinion if you are in this situation the best thing to try (which is what I am vowing myself to start doing starting today) is:

    1. Keep hanging out with him in your group but stop all sex. Don't let yourself get in the position to have sex with him. Leave early if you have to or make an excuse.

    2. Next time he tries to have sex, tell him the truth, that you have started developing feelings and have started getting emotionally connected. See what he says, he might need some time to think but whatever you do, respect yourself and DO NOT let him have you again. After some time passes I think he will realize if he has feelings for you more than just the sexual connection.

    This is my plan and I'm sticking to it. I hope it works and don't end up getting hurt but there are plenty of fish in the sea.

  13. ted says:
    Fri, 17th Dec 201012:51 pm 

    im seeing a lot of complaints about FWB. yes you like the guy, but ladies understand he isnt going to commit! why? there are a lot of things us men look for in a woman other then nice tits slim waist line and a round butt. don't think that just because you have sex with a guy he is going to commit (especially if he is your X, he already tried to commit but it didn't work out).

    If your trying to turn a FWB into a LTR [Long-Term Relationship] then your wasting your time, and instead should be out looking to meet a guy who is looking for that as well.

    you girls are smart. im sure you meet that guy soon enough. but in the mean time, just enjoy the moment you share with your friend. dont think about the future with him, you need to let go of the past or the future that hasnt even happened yet and think "in the moment".

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