We’ve All Been There: The Bad Kisser

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Somtimes, this is a better alternative.

You’ve been working your game all night, leaning in just enough to show off the magic that is your Victoria’s Secret Deep Plunge push-up bra. Your hair is perfect, your makeup is flawless and you’ve done your signature laugh-and-touch-his-arm move every time he’s said something cute and funny.

Now you’re just waiting for him to lean in and kiss those perfectly glossed lips.

You like this boy; every last thing about him. He’s got the same major as you, you have mutual friends, he wears really great jeans and he even watches The Hills. Could there be anyone more perfect!? You’ve been dreaming about kissing him since the moment you met him and now you’re so almost there. He’s ditched his friends to talk to you in the corner of the party for the last half hour, so you’re pretty much sure this makeout sesh is in the bag.

After screaming into each other’s ears over the “Put It In The Bag” blaring from the speakers, he asks you if you want to go outside to get some air. The butterflies in your stomach start jumping around in excitement. Coyly, you agree to go.

He takes your hand (swoon!) and leads you outside. Your knees are trembling, but you pull yourself together and follow him through the crowd.  Once outside, you begin to shiver. Not because it’s cold, but because you just know he’s going to kiss you and you’re at once nervous and excited.

You chat about the weather, about the three guys that are peeing on the back fence and the homeless man rifling through the grass looking for empty cans. He puts his hand on your arm. “THIS IS IT,” you think to yourself. “OH MY GOD, HE’S FINALLY GOING TO KISS ME!” Your stomach knots up.

You keep talking about nothing and somewhere between the “Ugh I have to get up early tomorrow to study” and the “where’d your friends go?” he leans in and kisses you.

You’re swooning. You’re so excited you don’t even care that the people huddled around the keg are whistling and yelling at you to get a room. Your perfect boy – the one you have been chasing for months – is kissing you and it’s….OMG, it’s awful.

Is that…his tongue…on your chin?
Is he licking your face?
What is this tornado motion he’s got going on in your mouth? Is he trying to give you some sort of tonsil exam?
And, oh my god, why is your entire cheek wet? What is going on here?!

You open your eyes – maybe he’s just effing around, trying to be funny – but his eyes are closed and he’s totally into it.

You pull back, make some joke about the show you’re putting on for the party guests and contemplate a way to slyly wipe the boy’s drool from your face. He whispers in your ear that he doesn’t care who’s watching, then licks. your. earlobe.

He leans in again to kiss you and as he’s assaulting you with his tongue, you’re mind is reeling.

“What am I supposed to do?”
“Is this fixable?”
“How is he so cute and perfect, yet so god awful at this?”

Unable to take anymore (seriously, there is slobber dripping into your cleavage), you pull away. You make some excuse about having to go find your friends, that you’ll be back, that you’ll talk to him in a bit and you run away. You need guidance, you need support….you need to find a Q-Tip to get this kid’s drool out of your ear.

Yeah, we’ve all been there.
How so many guys could reach college and still think those moves are OK is beyond us.



  1. Sara says:

    It's such a weird position to be in and is exactly what I'm dealing with now. I really like this guy, but he's a terrible kisser, I don't know if that's fixable or what.

  2. Casey says:

    Luckily I have never had to experience this. But I did once get stuck making out with a guy with terrible breath. Ick! that was the worst!

  3. Casey says:

    And that picture makes my stomach turn. eww.

  4. Erich says:

    all guys are trainable, take the right woman and she just needs to tell him slow down, no hold here, it takes paitence, but men aren't givin some special talent, somebody had to teach us somethin.

  5. Maria says:

    One time I had a guy lick my teeth. And it wasn't just a one-time fluke, he kept doing it. I politely asked him to stop, and he said "What, you don't like that?! I think it feels AWESOME!! It's like brushing your teeth!!!"

    Thankfully he never called me again after that night.

  6. Jen says:

    Ew, Maria, licking your teeth? That is so weird, I've never heard of anyone doing that.

    I had this one guy that literally grabbed onto my bottom lip with his teeth and sucked really hard on it while he moved his teeth back and forth, leaving with me a swollen and bleeding lip. Definitely not what I would consider a good kiss.

  7. Darwin - New York Un says:

    Sara- It's fixable. Guys should have enough confidence to take constructive criticism. Hey, they're not only there to enjoy it themselves. They should also care what you like. Just tell him what you like in the middle of it. If he can't comply or gets seriously offended, then he's not considerate and a pussy.

    People like different things with kissing. Just communicate it.

  8. JT says:

    I hate the tongue in the ear. Hate it. I don't understand why you'd want to put your tongue in my ear, nor do I understand why you think I'd want your tongue there.

  9. Linda says:

    Great article!

    I've learned though, that communication is key..just say something!

    If you can't handle that…then take control when kissing, your guy should take a cue from that!

  10. Kiera says:

    I was so disappointed in my first kiss I didn't call the guy back for three days! I was scared I was one of the few that was doomed to hate kissing until his ex-girlfriend asked me if I thought he was a bad kisser too. I said, wait, you mean your chin isn't supposed to be dripping wet?


  11. Jenn says:

    Oh my goodness – I kissed a guy once who definitely thought it was sexy to, basically, make out with my ear. I was utterly grossed out. I kept thinking "this isn't making out, this is just a really intense wet willy".

    Another guy (granted, he was drunk) ended up leaving me feeling as though I'd had a really awkward encounter at the dentist. My gums and lips physically hurt afterwards because he kept biting me. It was terrible.

  12. Megan says:

    Ah haha. I just dealt with something very similar to this. I really liked this guy until he kissed me… and it was horrible! His idea of making out was sticking his tongue down my throat for a minute or so and not using his lips whatsoever. Where he learned this, I'm not even sure but that's not kissing. And then when I finally did say something about his tongue being down my throat, he was just as bad at using his lips. Pretty much, I've had no desire to kiss him since. :(

  13. mary says:

    As the song goes "it's in his kiss". I once had a guy who licked my whole face..yuk. I say you can tell a lot about a guy from the way he kisses (how he'll be in bed). They either are naturals or not. What makes them think their tongue in your mouth is a turn on? Remember the episode on Sex in the City about kissing..funny and true.

  14. Darwin - New York Un says:

    The ear kiss is always creepy. The question becomes "Oh shit, did I clean my ears well?" or "I hope she cleaned her ears today…"

  15. ModernSophist says:

    I think Linda got it right; She seems to have taken some positive control of the bad kissers. Thanks for this. I am trying to figure the bad kissing thing out too. A friend of mine was complaining about a guy she's seeing, and I asked her, "why don't you try to help him out instead of just complaining. I mean, both of you would be better off, right?" See what you think. "What makes a bad kisser?

  16. Jay says:

    Oh, God… this is almost exactly what happened to me, right down to the awkward, 'haha, I have to study tomorrow…' thing. I think getting a horrible kiss from a guy is a rite of passage for us ladies.

    Another thing to look out for is the guy with the terrible breath. Actually, I think that's more intolerable than a bad kisser. I once kissed a guy at a party whose breath smelled like tuna. I got away from him as quick as I could and avoided him for the rest of the night. Bad breath is virtually inexcusable. Unless you have some kind of medical condition, there is no reason in the world for it to smell awful.

  17. ohgoodgodchristman says:

    WTF? You've got to be the most sheltered and narrow minded bunch of provincial straight jacketed people on earth! I can understand some of the complaints here but you all act like you've never even heard of biting or the fact that the ears are a very common erogenous zone that given the right attention can be incredibly stimulated and give intense pleasure to the recipient.

    Man, I had an outrageously hot girl kissing, sucking and licking my ears and neck recently and my god it made my whole body feel it, it was like I was floating! Unbelievably sexy! She is an artist at this!

    I haven't always been the biggest fan of biting, but done right, by the right person at the right time it can be incredibly erotic and passionate. I've had some girls really turn me on with a sexy bite on the lips or elsewhere. Hasn't any of you heard the term "love bites"? True, it can be terrible and painful if done wrong, obviously, but come on, expand your horizons at least enough to be aware of this and acknowledge it. It's not the practice itself, like you guys make it seem, it's the execution. Not that it's for everybody anyway, but jeez people!

  18. Casey says:

    ohgoodgodchristman, Considering they are talking about their FIRST KISS which probably happened with some pre pubescent 13-16 year old awkward inexperienced kid and not some erotic night with a super hot sex god, then I don't think they are closed minded to any of the things you mentioned, but instead are simply rehashing the experiences of their first kisses where said kid tried (and failed miserably at) all of those "eroticism's" that you mentioned. Like you said, it's not the practice itself that has these ladies turned off, but the very poor execution of a kid trying them out for the first time.

    So let's try to calm down shall we?

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