The Hills: I Hate Someone More Than Spencer

Much like Larry David, I don’t tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. My gut instincts have gotten me this far in life, so I tend to stick with them whenever I’m faced with a new decision.

However, sometimes, as in last Tuesday when I was watching the season premiere of The Hills, my heart gets in the way and I make a poor decision.

Poor decision #1: baking brownies and thinking I wouldn’t eat the entire tray.
Poor decision #2: giving Kristin a chance to fill my LC void.

I wanted to like Kristin – really, I did. She is spunky and blunt (like me) and she has the kind of perfect hair and style that I strive for. Basically, she’s a much better version of me. Or so I thought.

After last night’s episode I think I might hate that bitch (MTV’s words, not mine) more than Spencer Pratt. Yes, even after he kicked an adorable child out of his house. And no, it has nothing to do with her choice to wear white shorts and white Keds after 1995.

Kristin is my worst nightmare. She’s the kind of girl that wants everyone to think she’s spunky and blunt and honest, because that makes her look better than everyone else. She throws girls under the bus when she’s hanging out with guys to make herself look like the “cool, laid back chick,” then turns around and lies to the very girls she claims are her friends.

The fact that she is trying to convince not only Lo, Stacie (why is this girl friends with Kristin? How did the bartender get into the group? Can someone at MTV explain THAT one, please?!) and Justin Bobby, but also herself, that she met up with JB to tell him nothing was going to happen makes me want to claw her little eyes out.

Listen, Kristin; I’ve been around the block a few times and I know just what to say to get a guy to take you home and get you naked. I also know just what to say if that man is the last person on earth you want to get naked with. I am fairly confident that “I have the best bed” works with the former and “I can’t hook up with you because I respect your big-toothed ex girlfriend” works better in the latter sitch. Just sayin’.

Not that I really need to explain this to anyone, as Kristin and a newly shaved JB were caught sucking face at the club. (Kudos to MTV for that editing – Kristin and Justin Bobby are smooching while Audrina watches some Emo girl band sing “is there anything left that will satisfy me?”) Poor Audrina. Naturally, Stephanie (who is in serious need of a cookie) runs to Audrina to tell her the news. And because Justin Bobby is such a dreamboat, Audrina is a hot mess when she hears this.

“He’s just so different now,” She cried.

Uh, sorry Audrina, but JB is not different at all. He’s still treating you like crapola, just like he did the entire time you were dating.

Well, maybe he did change a little. He shaved, stopped wearing dirty ski caps and refrained from burping and farting on his first date with Kristin. But he’s still the same jerk to Audrina.

I just hope this new couple works out – these too ass-clowns totally deserve each other. And we all know that The Hills needs one totally dysfunctional couple. That used to be Speidi but I have a gut feeling (and I’m totes gonna trust this one) that Heidi is going to wake up one day and realize what an idiot she’s been.

And that her face looks totally ridiculous.

I’d just like to highlight my favorite moments from their relationship last night:

Heidi, discussing her desire to have kids: “He needs to be outside of himself.” Ok, great. She realized what a selfish prick Spencer is, but isn’t it a little LATE TO NOTICE A GIANT CHARACTER FLAW like that?  That isn’t something you can just change about someone. That is who he is until the day he dies (fingers crossed to that happening sooner rather than later. I kid. Sorta).

And Spencer, discussing why he doesn’t want kids: “I can barely be around adults how am I supposed to be hanging out with kids?” If only he realized how much money he could get from selling the photos of his spawn to the Tabloids. The moment that happens, those two turds will have a litter.