Single. And Focusing On Me

I love boys. I love boys so tall they might hit their heads when they walk through a doorway and boys so short they’ve probably never entertained fantasies of basketball stardom. I love boys as dark as the blackest coffee, as white as the snow that I am not looking forward to this winter, and every shade in between. Give me a boy, any boy, and I’ll find something I love about him.

This is why even I wondered if I was slightly insane when I decided to completely abstain from boys this summer.

The decision (The Vow, as I now refer to it) was something I really had to think about. I knew that going home to Miami would mean I’d have options for a summer fling. Beautiful, jacked, sun-god-like options that seem to only exist in dreams. But, having been single for over three years, I needed a break.

I think that relationships, as amazing as they can be, sometimes just aren’t worth it. I’m incredibly busy, as are most college students, so I only want to make time in my life for someone if we have something I can’t imagine giving up. But while being single right now is best for me, it can be so exhausting. From wondering if the attractive guy digs me back to whether or not to be physical with a guy I may not have emotional connections with, I was just sick of it. So, to the surprise of my friends, I decided that for summer, I’d basically be like one of the nuns that taught me in grade school. Except I’d still curse and wear bikinis and stuff.

When people would ask my why I was doing this, I usually said something new-agey like “I just need some time to really be alone. I need to focus on myself.” And focus on myself I did. I took a mini road trip with one of my best friends to an amazing art exhibit. I re-read one of my favorite books that I haven’t read since junior year of high school. I started doing Pilates, which completely rejuvenated and calmed me. I surrounded myself with the carefree joy of children, and picked some of their confidence along the way.

Because of how much I love boys, sometimes my mind is completely consumed by thoughts of them, when it should be completely consumed with thoughts of  how to get straight A’s, make my friends feel extra special, or some other more important thing. I wanted to stop being that girl that thinks about guys that much.

I had a few really close calls to breaking The Vow. I’m pretty sure Oscar Wilde was talking about me when he said “I can resist everything but temptation.” I’d have these weird little moments where I’d think “Um, why am I doing this whole abstinence thing? That guy is totally hot and he totally wants me and I’m not going to do anything? Cause I ‘need to focus on myself’’?! Beezy, please.” But for the most part, I was fine. More than fine, actually. I got to know myself and was so happy to be single, because I was doing everything I wanted to do, without the concern of guys.

I experienced a lot during my summer without boys and I give myself a huge pat on the back for spending my last teenage completely on my own.

Now that I’m back on campus, I’ve somewhat gone back to my boy-crazy ways. (Asking me to stay away from boys is like asking Speidi not to do that annoying fake makeout thing when cameras are around – it ain’t gonna happen!) But that’s OK – I learned a lot about myself this summer and came away a deeper, self-aware and totally toned (thank you, Pilates) woman.