Douchebaggery: There’s an App for That

If you’re an addicted iPhone user like myself, you might like to keep up on all the hot goss on new apps. No? Just me? Super dorky? Fine. But even if you don’t own an iPhone, you should still check out this new app that Pepsi has launched for their energy drink, Amp.

This “Before You Score” app is geared towards guys who are interested in picking up chicks. And suck at it. The app breaks women down into 24 different types, including: the sorority girl, the rebound, the punk etc… “Before You Score” dispenses pickup lines, hot spots to take your type of girl (example: local Vegan restaurants for the tree hugger) and even a translator for Greek letters on the sorority girl. And if you somehow “score with Amp” there’s a quick way to brag about it through email, Facebook and Twitter.

Ta-da! Social media for the player, or, you know, douche bag. Nice work, Pepsi.

Instead of throwing a nasty feminism fueled hissy fit (read the comments in this post) about everything that’s wrong with stereotyping women through developing an app that objectifies them and categorizes them (because I actually think it’s a freaking great idea on some levels), I simply think you should develop an app for the other half of your customer base. Because SO many people are drinking Amp anyway (where’s that sarcasm font when you need it?), why not include us all?

Here’s my pitch to Pepsi: develop a “Before You Score” for women. We don’t need it as much as the average d-bag, but sometimes we don’t want to think and that’s when this app would come in handy.

Break down men into their 24 types.
Examples: Hipster, Bro, Frat Star, Mr. Manther, Financier.

Develop cartoon characters to fit the stereotypes.
Hipster: Skinny jeans, Converse, Raybans, PBR.
Financier: Suit, Blackberry, Starbucks, WSJ.
Bro: Livestrong bracelet, pink shirt, sideways hat, Solo cup.

Create pick up lines, conversation starters and tips on where to find your type.

Mr. Manther
FIND HIM: At the hotel bar
LOOK FOR: Wedding ring indent
ASK ABOUT: Club Med
BRAG ABOUT IT: On Twitter. Because he doesn’t even know what that means.

Frat Star
FIND HIM: Sports bar with a beer pong tournament.
LOOK FOR: College shirt. Excessive enthusiasm for football.
ASK ABOUT: Baseball post-season.
BRAG ABOUT IT: On TFLN (610): Woke up with a hangover, spooning a beer funnel and a guy with a Chinese tattoo.

Financier
FIND HIM: Crying into a Jack on the rocks in a cigar bar.
LOOK FOR: A Cartier watch.
ASK ABOUT: Anything but the economy.
BRAG ABOUT IT: Via email to all your homeboys majoring in econ. They too can live the life.

The Hipster
FIND HIM: Sulking at a dive bar clutching a PBR and a Parliament Light.
LOOK FOR: American apparel anything/handlebar mustache.
ASK ABOUT: “Wow, can you believe all these hipsters here? I hate hipsters.”
BRAG ABOUT IT: On Tumblr with an ironic picture.

Metro Man
FIND HIM: At a club, Staten Island fist-pumping, pounding a Red Bull and Grey Goose.
LOOK FOR: A clingy, rhinestoned shirt and a blowout hairdo.
ASK ABOUT: His shoes or his workout regime.
BRAG ABOUT IT: Via a Facebook mobile upload from his iPhone 3G.

The Sensitive Type
FIND HIM: At a coffee shop.
LOOK FOR: Him scribbling in a notebook about his broken heart.
ASK ABOUT: What  he’s writing.
BRAG ABOUT IT: In a poem in your Facebook status.

There you go, Pepsi. Quick fix for your self-created #PepsiFail “problem”.