We’ve All Been There: The Workout Aches

"Everything huuuuurts."

Between the nightly orders of cheese fries and the daily “I’m too tired/busy/stressed/wrapped up in this Friends marathon to go to the gym” you’ve let yourself go. And based on how much work it takes to get those bootcuts over your thighs, it’s all beginning to catch up with you.  So when Sunday night rolls around you put your (chubby) foot down and decide it’s time to get back in gear.

You eat a salad for dinner (with the dressing on the side), enjoy some Smart Pop Kettle Korn for a late-night study snack and set your alarm for a pre-class workout. “You’re gonna get up this time,” you tell yourself before you crawl into bed.

You shoot out of bed when Pitbull starts “singing” in your ear at 7am. You slip into the workout clothes you laid out the night before, brush your teeth and run out of the house before your brain has a chance to realize what is going on and lures you back to your warm, cozy bed. You’re still slightly out of it when you get to the gym, but 10 minutes into your elliptical session you’re awake, alert and ready for a serious workout.

You start with 30 minutes on the elliptical, rotating incline and resistance. You work up a pretty good sweat but decide to switch to the Stairmaster for a little more gluteal attention. Twenty minutes later you move to the weight room. You don’t want those big, beefy guys to think you’re some prissy little girl so you pick up some weights and start working.  3 sets of 15 reps of triceps, biceps, chest presses and lunges later, you’re soaked in sweat and feeling great.

Those workout endorphins have kicked in and you’re walking around, Britney Spears blasting into your earbuds, wondering why you aren’t doing this more often. You’re energized and productive for the rest of the day – going to class, doing your laundry, getting ahead on that reading for Wednesday. You even pass on the leftover mac and cheese your roommate made for dinner. You’re back on track and nothing is going to stop you.

That is until you wake up in the morning to do it all again. When Cosmic Starship starts blaring from your alarm clock at 7am you attempt to jump out of bed, but an intense soreness in your belly stops you. You roll onto your side and attempt to push yourself out of bed but your arms are burning. Then you lift your legs and, sure enough, those are crying too.

Five minutes and a few groans later, you are finally out of bed. “You’ll feel better once you get moving,” you tell yourself. But as you limp to the bathroom you realize that might not be the case. You spot a roommate in the hall and start groaning about your pain.

“This is why I don’t work out,” she jokes. You laugh and it sends shooting pains through your core.

Bending over the sink to wash your face makes your back ache and lifting your arms to brush your hair is out of the question. It takes you a full minute to lower yourself onto the toilet and forget about trying to do a little #2 – it hurts too much to try.

You curse yourself for getting so out of shape, then curse those thick-necked boys in the gym for “making” you lift heavier waits. Then you cough and your eyes fill with tears as every muscle in your body screams.

With a few hours left until class, you decide to skip the gym and crawl back into bed. You’ll take the day off and get back into it tomorrow. Only the pain doesn’t subside for days and instead of working out, you order cheese fries and lay on the couch catching up on some TV marathons. Dramas, of course; the comedies hurt too much to watch.

Yeah, we’ve all been there. And like your roommate, this is why we just stopped working out.