False Advertising: The Padded Crotch

My #1 accessory for going out is not a Blair Waldorf headband or a killer bib necklace. It’s my Victoria’s Secret Very Sexy push-up bra. It not only gives my boobs an extra couple of inches of sexy, but it creates the perfect cleavage to enhance my ultra low cut tops. Without it, I’d look like a boy in a cami. With really great hair.

I realize that wearing it can be considered false advertising being that my boobs shrink a few sizes the moment it comes off, but I don’t care. That bra makes me look and feel sexy and I’d be lost (at least my chest would be) without it.

Well, watch out girls, because thanks to Calvin Klein, guys, too, could be packing less heat than meets the eye.

Mr. Klein, a man I now presume is packing light downtown, has just introduced a new line of jeans with “body defining fit for an enhanced profile.” In layman’s terms, a padded crotch.

Yes, guys can now lure in the ladies with a few extra padded inches.

At first glance these jeans seem a bit disturbing – I rarely want to see a guy’s junk in his pants, hence my hatred for guys free-balling in sweatpants.

Why do guys need to pretend they’re bigger than they are?
And what kind of insecure/overcompensating (for both the physical and the intellectual) guy would ever buy these?

But then I realized how hypocritical that was. We girls suck ourselves into Spanxx and push-up bras every day, so why can’t the boys do a little somethin’ somethin’ to up their sex appeal?? Granted, most girls aren’t looking at a guy’s crotch when they’re out on the town and we’d much rather see a hot pair of abs (lord knows that’s what I’m looking at in the CK ad above), but if a bigger package is what a guy needs, then by all means pad it up. After all, wearing these jeans is a lot more sly than coming home and finding a pair of socks stuffed in there.

And considering what he’ll find when he unclasps my bra, I’d say we’re even.