Duke It Out: Intercultural Dating

Jennifer says:
Fri, 16th Oct 20094:29 am 

I think it's nice that you guys try to address serious issues but lines like

"Also, I certainly wouldn’t want to give up my relationship, or expect anyone else to, just because of something like background – it sounds silly to even consider it."

show how unprepaired you are to address these issues that require emotional maturity and consideration that others might not feel as you do. Come on, it would be silly? What is silly is your idea that dating someone Jewish is about kosher wine and giving up Christmas. Or any similar surface details for any other culture.

I'm in the same situation though with different specifics. And I have to say I've been tossing and turning over whether I can stay with him for this alone. Not that the relationship is perfect, but this is our biggest hurdle. So the idea that my decision on whether or not to abandon thousands of years of my heritage for what in the end is just a guy is not simple and it is not silly.

This is a decision that everyone makes based on how they view themselves and their relationship with their family and past. Some people might not have had upbringings which emphasized it, or might be 'future focused' and not regard the past as important, and therefore not a major factor in their relationships. It is impossible for everyone, or even everyone within one 'group,' to regard it the same way because of the nature of family structures and cultures.

But please don't make wide sweeping judgements and please don't call my struggles silly.

Jenny says:
Fri, 16th Oct 20095:44 am 

I can understand why it would be difficult to date/marry someone with a different culture, especially if the pair have very strong and very different cultures. I personally am not in that situation.

I suppose I have a different take on the whole mixed-culture thing because I am mixed myself (Italian/Ecuadorian). Also, when my families came to the US, they urged my parents to blend in with other Americans, so a lot of my heritage was lost on me and my siblings. Plus, I grew up in a very diverse area, so I was exposed to many different cultures since I was young.

I've dated all sorts of people, and I'm glad that I did. I learned a lot about how other families work and the cultures that they have passed on, but in terms of culture. I've connected best with my current boyfriend, who is Vietnamese/German. It helps that we're both mixed and have been forced to really become American through our upbringing. Plus, we lucked out and both ended up as atheists, although we both still do celebrate Christian holidays.

Lauren - University says:
Fri, 16th Oct 20096:34 am 

To each their own, but I know that I only want to end up with someone Jewish so I don't even let myself date anyone who isn't. It's really important to me and my family that I hold onto my culture and traditions and while it's possible to do that with someone who comes from a different background, it's incredibly difficult. A lot of people don't understand that and think it's a dumb way to live – why eliminate potentially awesome partners – but it makes sense to me. Jewish culture is ingrained in so much of my life and I want to be with someone who gets that and is also equally committed to it.

A says:
Fri, 16th Oct 20097:15 am 

I don't think this is a good topic for a "Duke It Out" column. Cultures, beliefs, and values are of varying degrees of importance to different people, and that's that. What is there to argue about? If I said "you should date different people and forsake your culture" I'd sound ignorant, and if I said "you should stick to your culture and only date within it" I'd also sound ignorant. I know "Duke It Out" is supposed to discuss potentially controversial topics, but this is something that is really a personal decision, and you shouldn't be inviting others to pass judgment on peoples' dating lives.

Jess says:
Fri, 16th Oct 20097:31 am 

I can definitely understand why someone would not want to date outside their culture, when they have strong cultural ties. We all want to be with someone that can enjoy what matters most to us. I like the difference though and tend to date outside of my race, religion, etc all the time.

Erich says:
Fri, 16th Oct 20099:45 am 

I say F what anyone else thinks. Im the one who's dating em.

Sarah says:
Fri, 16th Oct 200910:25 am 

Also to say that you have no cultural heritage not true at all, just because you're not "ethinic" doesn't mean you don't have a culture with different traditions, values, etc.

belle says:
Fri, 16th Oct 200911:35 am 

To Sarah – I think you misunderstand when someone says they have no culture. I think when Lauren said that she doesn't have a cultural heritage she's not saying that because she isn't "ethnic" but just that her personal culture doesn't fit with one group.

I feel that way too, and I think that a lot of white "Christian" Americans might feel that way also. For a long time I thought it was kind of absurd that people who were white and Jewish, but not religious, to be so glued to marrying another Jew. But after getting to know the Jewish culture better, there really are so many cool traditions and ways of thinking that they all share. Personally, I think it's possible for someone who didn't grow up with those traditions and doesn't have Jewish blood to understand and relate to them. But it's true it's easier if you did grow up with them.

I'm also a little jealous of their commonality b/c like I said white "Christian" Amerians who aren't religious don't have that. Christianity is diluted by the fact that it encompasses so many people. I think this is really great also, since it's so inclusive, but it does make it hard to identify with a specific culture.

jeff says:
Fri, 16th Oct 200912:25 pm 

my fiancee is Native American and I am scots/english so soem of her familly isnt happy she is marying me but as she says it more comain for them to date outside there cultier because its getting harder for native women to find native guys they are not relatied to and the family that has meet me like me so Yay

Gwenivere says:
Fri, 16th Oct 20098:36 pm 

My fiance is from the Phillipines and came here when he was eleven. However, he is completely "Americanized" and lost his accent so you wouldn't even know it. I am Swedish/Sicilian from an Atheist home but I became Buddhist as I grew older. He was raised in a VERY Catholic home but he himself is not very religious. We both don't want children so we really don't have hurdles to face there. Not that there really would be any anyway. We may come from completely different backgrounds, but for us it works. And I really wouldn't have it any other way.

Natalie says:
Fri, 16th Oct 20098:39 pm 

To Jennifer,

What you've said is extremely insulting. It shows that you're not mature enough to even discuss a topic like this without ranting and swearing. Stereotyping Indians as people who smell bad and are ugly is absolutely wrong. You do not even have enough evidence to substantiate your answers, and there you go, asking people to "shut the fuck up". Grow up.

Jennifer says:
Sat, 17th Oct 20092:58 am 

Natalie: Shut the fuck up!!!!!! Where the fuck is your evidence to substantiate your claims that Indians don't smell bad? That is common knowledge. For you to make such an outlandish claim must mean that you are Indian. So, I will ask you directly. Why the fuck do Indians smell so bad and refuse to take showers? Why is it necessary to wear an oxygen mask if standing within 100 yards of an Indian or an Indian's house? Please explain fuckhead.

jeff says:
Sat, 17th Oct 20099:04 am 

ok that is not true most of them smell nice and so what every one smells in some way or form, you dont realise that because you sound like a poor dumb person and a distrace to the human race.

Darwin - New York Un says:
Sat, 17th Oct 20091:42 pm 

I think people should just be open. Don't make assumptions about people and get to know people for themselves instead of they perceive to be because of their race, color, or culture.

Also, I think for most, someone's culture isn't that important that it really conflicts with who someone really is. Even then, I'm really open and it would be exciting to get introduced to someone else's culture. You're just closing doors for yourself when you're not putting yourself out there and staying open to all the dating opportunities out there.

Kim says:
Sat, 17th Oct 20096:38 pm 

I refuse to date mexicans. Under no circumstances will mexicans ever be considered to be datable. They are the lowest form of human life, not even human, subhuman life. They should be forced to date within their own kind.

amber says:
Sun, 18th Oct 20095:45 am 

to Kim:

I'm not Mexican, but what did Mexicans ever do to you?

Nessa says:
Sun, 18th Oct 20099:19 am 

Wow, Kim that's really rude. Are you from a small, middle of nowhere town? Are you really sheltered? When you think of Mexican people, do you think of illegal immigrants? People like you make me sick because you make horrific sweeping generalizations. The fact is I know lots of people who are part of this "lowest form of human life" and they are some of the most intelligent, beautiful and caring people I have ever met. I hope you grow up, because when you get into the real world I think you might just crumble under the social diversity that's really out there…

NIcole says:
Sun, 18th Oct 20091:28 pm 

Kim-

that is so close minded. My cousin is white and married a Hispanic woman, and she is smart and caring. wow bless your heart you have absolutely no clue about anything. thats so sad.

Candie says:
Sun, 18th Oct 20092:35 pm 

When I came to America, I didn't think people like Kim and Natalie still existed in this day and age. I now realize that they do, and I am sorely disappointed. People like you are the reason the rest of the world hates your country. Congratulations.

S says:
Mon, 19th Oct 20098:21 am 

i'm actually the opposite – i prefer not to date my own race and especially my ethnicity. i moved from that country for a reason and i dont want to re-create that life here in any way.

Cookie6 says:
Mon, 19th Oct 20095:57 pm 

I date who I'm comfortable with and I raised around white people all my life so I end be-friending white guys and then dating them. But I believe you should date people who make you happy. Besides mixed children are the cutest! and ya'll ignore Kim and Natalie they're trollin like no one's business.

Nessa says:
Mon, 19th Oct 20099:22 pm 

mixed kids are the greatest! I'm one! Go Hybrids! There are a lot of closed minded people in the world, but there are a lot of good people in the world as well. Take ugly comments with a grain of salt, and brush off rude people. Do you really want to be blinded of the beauty of the world by associating with dumb, sheltered people? No. If you can see past the ignorant people, I'm pretty sure you'll like the view. =D

Darwin - New York Un says:
Tue, 20th Oct 20098:07 am 

Third vote on how awesome mixed children turn out.

Yukiko says:
Tue, 20th Oct 20097:24 pm 

The ugliest girls are by far the Asians. They look so ugly. It makes me mad whenever I see them. They look like shit. They all look the same. There is nothing special about them.

Kar says:
Thu, 22nd Oct 20097:28 pm 

I'm laughing at all the trolls.

Also, hasn't it been scientifically proven that the more mixed a person's genes, the healthier they are likely to be?

Lauren says:
Sat, 24th Oct 20091:45 pm 

Yukiko: Its people like you that RUIN life in America for people of different races. I am ashamed for you. I would love to see what you look like. I personally am asian/american and I bet I'm 10 times better looking then you.

Lucille says:
Mon, 26th Oct 200911:13 am 

I say screw it and date anybody.

At this point in my life, I rarely notice race until someone brings it up. When asked my type, I answer 'boy'. There is no color or flavor that I prefer. There isn't even a hair color I prefer.

Personally, I can relate to what you said about having no culture. I'm Irish, English, Scottish, Welsh, German, French, Italian, and Dutch. Both my parents moved around a lot as kids, so I don't even have a state that I identify with. I'm an atheist, and I personally have no issue with any religion, but I could understand how that could be an issue for a very religious guy.

Then again, I wouldn't date a very religious guy.

For me, it's personality and moral (yes, even atheists have morals). If we click, we click. If they're fine with me, I'm fine with them.

My last three boyfriends have all been crazy different culturally; a white Catholic, a Russian Jew, and an atheist african american. I've never had any problem with culture with any of them. It's always personality that gets me.

Adolf Hitler says:
Thu, 29th Oct 20099:05 am 

"They are the lowest form of human life, not even human, subhuman life. They should be forced to date within their own kind."

When Kim quotes me she should at least acknowledge that these are my words. I look forward to World War 3.

turning twinkie says:
Thu, 29th Oct 20097:18 pm 

I'm a japanese american, originally from Hawaii. I've been living here on the mainland for over nine years now. I find it frustrating that I don't fit in with japanese people from Japan. (because I don't speak japanese.) I even don't fit in with people from Hawaii anymore. (probably because now I speak with ALMOST no Hawaii accent or dialect.) I also don't fit in with other asians who were brought up right here in the mainland. (probably because THEY DO notice my SLIGHTLY different dialect and don't know what to make of it that scares them.) Believe me when I say I do try to be friendly and courteous to them, but it always seem to fail. Now I mostly have non asian friends in my life. Does anyone else have a simular problem?

Meghan says:
Thu, 29th Oct 200911:24 pm 

turning twinkie: What exactly is the problem? Why would you want to have asian friends? I am half asian and half white. I hate asians. I only like white people. All my friends are white. All the guys I am attracted to are white. White people are the best. Then asian. Then black. Then the food stamp, 10 kids, repulsive mexicans. They make everyone sick.

oobunillaoo says:
Fri, 30th Oct 20098:04 am 

^ the problem, Meghan, is that you are the load your mother should have swallowed.

charlotte says:
Fri, 30th Oct 20098:39 am 

to meghan:

i'm asian.and you're pathetic. don't you think it's kinda sad that you HATE a part of yourself? that you HATE one of your parents.that you only like white people – there's nothing wrong with white people but really you're being ridiculous. you're associating yourself with hitler up there with your ranking of what race of people you like more. if i had a list, i'd put people like you right at the bottom. good luck with your life. you'll never be satisfied because everyday you'll look in the mirror and see a part of you that you just don't wanna be and you'll never be able to do anything about it. and then you'll feel every level lower than the people you put on your stupid list.

Nessa says:
Fri, 30th Oct 20099:00 am 

I'm half asian and half black. Wow. I think I'm pretty amazing, and really cute. I've dated white guys, black guys, asian guys and hispanic guys. People are people. I can see if you're attracted to only white guys, but to belittle other types of people is wrong/ignorant. Plus race is a social construct, in one study there are more genetic similarities between a white man and a black woman than two white guys…That's some food for thought

Allie says:
Fri, 30th Oct 200912:01 pm 

I am Mexican and I can honestly say I have never dated a Mexican guy. Part if that is because I grew up around mostly white people and sometimes people don't even realize that I am Mexican.. but I can see what the growing up with certain people thing. The people I grew up with were mostly white and thats something I just got used to. I think that people should be able to date anyone they want to and that race should not matter.

Amy says:
Fri, 30th Oct 20092:52 pm 

Mexicans are to never be dated by girls. You see those repulsive filthy scum mexicans who gang raped that girl in CA?????? Totally sickening. Those fucking mexicans. They need to be sent to jail for life of given the death penalty. I vote for prison for life. They need to be raped by their prison mates repeatedly and sodomized with a broomstick and a knife. Fucking mexicans. They need to pay for what the did. Filthy scum. Mexicans shouldn't be in my country.

Alicia says:
Fri, 30th Oct 20093:59 pm 

Nessa: You think you are really cute when you are half asian and half black?????? LMFAO!!!!!!!! How the hell does that even make sense???????? You are NOT NOT NOT cute. Repent.

rayya says:
Sun, 1st Nov 20095:41 pm 

To everyone that has had something negative to say is not right at all. we are all ignorant, meaning lack of knowledge of so many cultures. there were two ladies who were speaking on the fact of Indians (or people who may practice the customs of Indians) smelling “bad”. from the little knowledge that i do have on indian culture and their customs it is sacred for them to not wear deodorizers, to preserve the natural essence the Creator gave to them. Take into account that there are toxins in everyday products we use to give off appealing smells. What we dont realize is what kind of chemical reactions go on inside of the body. Indians see this and choose not to use such hygenic products.

To those who criticized the writer on her thoughts. that wasnt too nice to say. I have to agree with some that commented on this issue to say, No this is not a Duke it out sort of topic. I believe this should have been more of a what do you think about intercultural dating kind of thing.You cannot Duke out and criticize someone on their preference on who they should date and befriend. Its not up to any of us to make those sort of judements. I have to admit and say that yes i have made those in the past may get mad if i see women of other races dating black men. I would would justt be so distraught. Leading into the girl Nessa who believes that she is cute because of her biracial genotypic make up. I have never seen you before, but you may be a beautiful girl. But i was always taught by my mother that it is not the beauty on the outside but the condition of the mind and heart that make the person beautiful. and thats real. So Nessa, do not be bothered by Alicia’s comment by any means. Just as long as you have those things in tact you are beautiful in every way imaginable.

To Amy who talked about Mexicans should never be dated. They are as much human as you are. God willing you both have four limbs a brainand heart eyes to see this wonderful earth, nose to smell all sorts of scents, and to feel all the emotions that make humans, humans. They are a beautiful people. They have given so much to America witht he food, and color, and abundant resources, and ideologies some of us Practice in the US. some of the words we speak are falt out Spanish words. there is no other way to ssay that word. No english translation it is what it is. And for you to say Mexicans is it just mexicans that you believe should not be dated???
there are people just a couple of miles over the border in the rest of South America that favor the smae physical features, speak some of the same languages and practice the smae cultures. Im sure you have wanted to visit onee or some of these countries where the spanish and Latino, Mexican people live. You have no right to down any human being that God made and put on this earth.

I so respect other’s cultures and have a very open mind to people of different cultures, but I choose to date within my own race. I believe it is easier that way. There is a better understanding of the other person, because more than likely the upbringing was a bit similar; generally speaking. Not getting into specifics on being financially fortunate. But I dont believe someone should give up on theeir religious beliefs, or values and customs to date outside of that. If you go into a relationship with a person who differs from you, both persons should respect the other and what they believe in. compromise on certain situations without giving up anything too great.

I believe im done ranting.
I hope continue to have a wonderfful blessed day.
PEACE, alwayss!!!

L.A. says:
Sun, 1st Nov 20097:44 pm 

I am currently dating a guy from a white southern baptist background, both of his parents second marriage, and a bunch of half brothers and sisters. I am a catholic Philippine girl (who's actually only every been interested in white guys), who's parents emigrated here just before i was born. 2 sisters, big extended family near by. My parents already know that i will not marry a Philippine boy, or an asian boy, because i have no attraction to them. We obviously have a lot of cultural differences. Do i care really? Not at all. its an experience just to see how different and the same our families are. Sure he has trouble remembering my second cousin's wife's name. But its no problem for us at all.

The only issue i have to think about. Is if we get married, where will we get married, in a church? outside of a church? And when we have kids, will they be catholic? will they be protestant christian? Also my boyfriend isn't very religious, he has done his research and doesn't believe anymore. He believes in science. We both grew up going to church every Sunday with our families, will he sacrifice his beliefs and help raise his children the same way we had been raised? or will i be going alone without my husband?

These are the only questions i have about the future of our relationship. Culture is not a big issue.

Danielle says:
Sun, 1st Nov 200911:29 pm 

Who really gives a damn about a persons’ mix? Ugly is ugly regardless of the genetic make-up.
First and foremost I think this issue applies more to those with differing cultures that are highly represented at home. If you look at North American culture what honestly ties us all together? Uh.. Sex…Fashion…Drugs…Drinking…Uh….Being oh so “un-called” for. Now this differs for other families when their culture varies from main stream society – and by main stream i mean whatever the T.V says is the bomb this very moment.
I’m mixed. I grew up in a home that was a mixture of my eager wants to be Americanized and my father and mothers deep cultural roots. I find that my morals, ethics and ties to friends and family were affected by being the best of both worlds however, for friends who grew up homes where they were raised by parents whom had stronger representation of their cultures have varying and even contrasting views(which wouldn’t be surprising.)
I’m German and Jamaican.. I’ve dated mostly white, Christian men. Why? It’s what was around.

“Mexicans are to never be dated by girls. You see those repulsive filthy scum mexicans who gang raped that girl in CA?????? Totally sickening. Those fucking mexicans. They need to be sent to jail for life of given the death penalty.”
Many girls have been gang raped before..and by other ethnicities as well. But that’s just too mind blowing and far fetched for you to believe now isn’t it.

Mango Tango says:
Wed, 4th Nov 200912:44 pm 

To all the people who felt the need to state their highly skewed and rude opinions:

Wow, I honestly find it incredible that you think like that. While I am very accepting of other people's opinions, I will never find even a shred of truth in the hateful statements you all made. Believe it or not, a person's worth and etc. is NOT based entirely on his or her looks. I know, crazy?!? Without all the different races and cultures in this world, life would be BORING. There's absolutely nothing wrong with having personal preferences. I happen to be mainly attracted to Caucasian guys, big deal. However, to blatantly degrade other races and say that they're the lowest level of human beings is completely ignorant, vapid, and idiotic. Racism possesses zero beneficial attributes.

Nessa says:
Sat, 7th Nov 200911:29 pm 

Again, I understand preferences in what you think is attractive. Heck I have my own biases. Dang it Alicia I was really hoping that you'd find black/asians attractive….I guess I need to move onto plan B lol.

Beauty and race are subjective. And I hope I didn't come off as conceited/arrogant haha. I mean I'm proud of my mixture, and I'm the offspring of a successful intercultural marriage.

(and they're still going strong <3)

But really people are people. When you get past the skin color, and looks–we're really all the same.

Everyone wants to be loved, no one wants to fail, and we each have our own personal lenses influenced by culture/race/gender/politics/region, (oh and we're made up of genes-hehe yay science nerds).

Remember looks fade. People remember you for the way you treat others, and who you are as a person.

=D

IMO says:
Wed, 9th Dec 20096:51 pm 

While it is true that inter-racial couples may recieve more social stigmatization, even from their in-laws, it's worth it for me.

I'm a white girl who likes… pretty much any ethnicity. Although I do prefer Asian guys. Probably because I grew up around Asians and had mostly Asian friends. White boys were always so mean to me… and I know you can't generalize a whole group based on a few bad experiences, but it's just the way the human mind works. It likes to categorize and stereotype. Plus, I think taking a bad experience and avoiding it in the future is a evolutionary trait from our hunter-gatherer ancestors to prevent them from harm.

I will date white guys though! And I don't hate white people. I love my family. I love my white friends… yeah.

I realize though that some cultures just want to preserve their heritage and only date their own ethnic group. Although I don't agree with it, I believe it's just enforcing divisions between people and promoting ethnocentricism, I respect their decision and wish them happiness.

Shivam says:
Thu, 10th Dec 20097:08 pm 

To Jennifer:

You said all Indians smell bad. You are hypocrite. I have seen all races smell bad and good. I had a white roommate attracted cockroaches in her room because she kept food on the carpet. For your information, if you are close to an Indian house it smells because the food is being cooked. If you typed this because you are in bad mood and I was in front of you. I would probably something have to get you food from grocery store or restaurant or if it is just your view you will see my dark side. By the way how would you feel if someone said all whites are selfish parents who divorce for no reason.

To Amy and Kim:

You two said Mexicans are undatable. I have met decent Mexicans who care about their families. I was in love with a Mexican girl. It hurts. This is why think this kind of speech should have severe monetary consequences because lot of bad things happen if your children grows up and says it in school. There are people that are dangerous.

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