Sacred College Knowledge Passed On

College is full of trial and error. And sadly we find ourselves running into a lot more error than we desire. Being stood up by that guy who we thought was really into us rings a bell. As does spending an entire night and next morning (okay and maybe the afternoon too) puking our guts out.

Eventually, we get a hang of things, but it would’ve been really nice to have some basic knowledge under our belts before we started. And since we are so caring, and so pissed off that no one did it for us, we’ve decided to let the next generation of college girls in on some scared knowledge that will save them a lot of trouble, and in some cases embarrassment, come freshman year and beyond.

1) When a boy wants to study, he does not want to study. When he wants to see a movie he does not want to watch a movie. When he wants to take you to dinner, he does not want to take you to dinner. The ultimate motive of every college guy is sex. When they ask you to do anything, replace the request with sex, if you’re okay with that proposal, then “eat,” “watch” and “study” away. If you would never dream of going there with this guy, then decline promptly, or he will make a move, and you will be caught in an awkward situation.

2) Nothing in the caf is healthy. You’ve been eating salads and sandwiches for 2 months, how could you have put on the freshman 15?! Cafeteria food is not your mother’s cooking. Everything about it is processed. That dressing you’re putting on your salad is going right to your thighs and the meat on the sandwich is far from lean. Save yourself the stress (and the stretch marks) and make your own food. If you are on a meal plan (we are very sorry for you) skip dressings, breaded meats and desserts of any kind. You. Will. Gain. Weight. End of story.

3) You don’t have to be completely wasted to have fun. It might seem like the girl who’s always drunk is sucking the most life out of college. This is where you are wrong. We aren’t saying to not drink, a buzz is always fun, and pretty much every nightlife activity is more fun tipsy (okay some daytime activities too). But drinking to the point of severe inebriation is unhealthy, unsafe and will have you kissing the toilet all night.

4) Beware of alcohol mixing. Everyone’s stomach is different. I have friends who can take a shot of vodka, have a margarita, and then down a can of Budweiser as their nightcap without having as much as a headache the next day. I also know girls who have a tequila shot and some jungle juice and start regurgitating it before they can get home. Don’t find out what your stomach can’t handle the hard way.

5) Don’t forget home. It is easy to get wrapped up in college life. It’s really exciting, we know! But don’t forget the things that have been the most important to you up until this point! Make it a habit to check in with your friends form home once every couple of weeks, the mode of communication is up to you (text, Facebook chat them, BBM…). This will save you hurt feelings and arguments come holiday breaks when you call them for the first time in 3 months. And don’t forget about your family. You parents’ hearts are already breaking now that their baby is grown up, don’t pour alcohol on the wound by never answering their calls. Plus, good children who call their mother are usually the ones receiving care packages filled with homemade cookies and extra cash.

What other tips would you guys give to the next generation of college girls to save them the hassle of figuring it out on their own?