Cosmo Says the Darndest Things: November Edition

My dearest Cosmo has always had a special affinity for body language analysis (I think they’ve done Speidi like 6 times). Now they’re taking it to the next level and making it all easy, convenient and user-friendly for you!

Cosmo understands the trials and tribulations of dating, especially when we need to figure out the bizarre and complex behavior of the male species.

Finally fed up with trying to decipher a guy’s body language to decide what he’s really trying to say (as opposed to, ya know, listening to him), Cosmo has provided the ultimate guide to date night body language. And, naturally, they made convenient tear-out cards (because your date totes won’t notice you squinting to read them under the table).

Cosmo Says: If he holds his beer loosely by the neck, it means he’s confident–but cocky, “it gives off the vibe that he’s too cool to be concerned with the risk of dropping his Bud.”
Kari Says: Hm, I’d never thought of it that way. Then again I’ve never really taken the time to study a hot guy’s precise style of drink-holding (I’m usually too busy checking out his hair, eyes, smile, biceps, etc). This particular method of holding a beer tells me he doesn’t want his hand to be all clammy and gross should he need to shake hands – not that he’s necessarily a douche bag. For that tip off I would look for a guy clutching his Jaeger bomb tightly so he won’t drop it while he’s fist pumping. Just sayin’…

Cosmo Says: If he pushes his drink onto your side of the table, he’s subconsciously trying to bond.
Kari Says: Alright, I’m down with a little bit of bonding. I just hope he doesn’t change his mind after I proceed to drink whatever he’s sliding toward me. My interpretation of anyone moving alcohol within closer proximity of me is that I should drink it – quickly. But maybe I just play flip cup too often.

Cosmo Says: If a guy licks his lips, he’s trying to wipe a lie off of them.
Kari Says: First of all, this sounds like it could be stitched onto a pillow somewhere in my Gramma’s house.   Second of all, I have heard the lip-licking lie detector test before (Lie to Me is one of my new fave shows), so this interpretation may have merit. But what if he’s just thirsty? Or in dire need of some Chapstick? What if he’s thinking about other things he’d like to lick later? All I’m saying is that I wouldn’t be so fast to jump to conclusions about the nature of such a sexy move (when done correctly, of course – otherwise it’s just creepy).

Cosmo Says: If a guy is feeling the date, he’ll unconsciously make an OK sign.  If he doesn’t like where things are going, he’ll flick you off without realizing it.
Kari Says: Not so sure about the first one. I mean, it’s not a very casual sign to make; I never catch myself throwing it up when I’m particularly happy about something my BF’s just said. On the other hand, I could definitely see myself “unconsciously” flicking him off when I’m upset…but again, I can’t really tell how accidental that might be.

Cosmo Says: If a guys loves you, he’ll “subconsciously create the love sign-language gesture while doing random things.”
Kari Says: Again, that sign is not one that’s easy to slip into your daily routine unnoticed. More likely, you’re guy is just really enjoying rocking out on Guitar Hero. Behavior that actually shows he loves you? Being attentive, sweet, extra complimentary, staring at you with goo-goo eyes, and remembering things you like that you’ve only mentioned in passing.

I’m no body language expert at all. If I was, I’d apply to join the Lightman Group (seriously, Lie To Me is a really great show), but most of these little hints seem to reveal stuff that I’d be able to notice anyway if I really paid attention to my date (and not flashcards). Women’s intuition can sometime be a hell of a lot more helpful than a diagram of what his bar-side stance means. So, my recommendation is to ditch the cards and pay attention. If you can’t figure out what his tongue down your throat means, Cosmo isn’t gonna help much anyway.