Hey Hey, You You, I Don’t Like Your Boyfriend

October 20, 2009     Posted in Advice, Relationships

spencer heidi bf

Presenting: the epitome of "I don't like your boyfriend...er...husband."

There is a stop on the Chicago Red Line train with a mosaic of passengers’ thoughts, photographs and stories expressed on individual tiles arranged on a cement wall. While browsing the collage the other day, the following remembrance struck me: “I’ll never forget this stop. This is where my best friend told me she didn’t like my boyfriend and we have never been the same since.”


By Lexi C

I had two reactions to this: one, you’re an idiot for opening your mouth; and two, you’re an idiot for letting it ruin your friendship. Upon further review, however, this situation is a little trickier, and a little stickier, than I originally thought.

We have all been in this situation: one of your friends is dating a total jackass. Standard procedure is to discuss his McDouchery with the rest of the group, nickname him something awesome like “fart stick” or “lady balls,” then wait a couple months until he’s out of the picture, and she too can laugh about his pompous political discourse.

But what about the girlfriend who has is still dating that jerk? When is it appropriate – and wise – to tell your friend that her boyfriend sucks?

Here a few crucial factors to consider before opening your mouth.

1. How good of a friend is she?
This is really the granddaddy of determinants. It goes without saying that you don’t need to inform your new college roommate that her boyfriend should be more judicious with the “that’s what she said” jokes. The same goes for acquaintances and anyone whose birthday you don’t know (without looking on Facebook). When it comes to your closest friends, however, the plot thickens. It’s a catch-22: while the last thing you want to do is hurt someone you care about, the first thing you want to do is rid them of their a**hole boyfriend. This is why you should limit the “your boyfriend kind of sucks” conversations to your very best friends. These are the girls who trust your judgment and character, and who, if nothing else, will respect your initiative and the deliberation behind it.

As for the rest of your galpals, it’s not worth it. Sure, most of us embraced the girl power movement brought to you by groundbreaking feminists like Baby Spice and Posh, and we also like to think we are ranking members of the chicks before dicks club. The truth is, however, a long-term boyfriend trumps marginally good friends. Sorry, Tyra, but that’s just how the cookie crumbles.

2. Is he really a rotten egg? Or does he just eat with his mouth open?
This is crucial and should be easy to identify. If he has an annoying laugh, skimps on the dinner bill, or wears jorts, this does not make him a bad guy. If his habits start to infringe on your contentment, AKA, he is eating your food and offending your moral code, then by all means, offer some constructive criticism like “I wish Jeff would stop housing my cheese curds” or “do you think he could watch the midget porn at his place?” Otherwise, save the boyfriend intervention for more serious issues. After all, you don’t want to ruin a friendship because you told her his jokes suck.

3. Is she in it for the long run? Or is this just a phase?
This is a tricky one, as it is can be hard to gauge. Making this determination, however, can be the difference between biting your tongue and taking the plunge. If you are fairly certain that she is just killing time and enjoying free dinners with the D bag, I say keep mum. Let the joy ride run its course, and use the “I told you so’s” sparingly. If she starts talking about her future with this guy, consulting him about major decisions, and spending more and more time with him, she has entered the danger zone, and it’s time to wave those red flags, and fast. The last thing you want is to be standing at the opposite end of the aisle, watching your best friend walk into the arms of a guy with whiskey on his breath, panties in his pocket, and gambling debt up to his ears.

17 Comments on "Hey Hey, You You, I Don’t Like Your Boyfriend"

  1. Darwin - New York Un says:
    Tue, 20th Oct 200912:13 pm 

    This is always super awkward to do with. If you really like the friend enough, you can just try separating the boyfriend from your friendship. Then again, that can be hard. Sometimes in life you have to suck it up.

  2. Erich says:
    Tue, 20th Oct 20091:23 pm 

    I have had this experience (role reversed). My ex was def a douche. Whatever you call a female douche. She was so manipulating it wasnt even funny. My friends all saw this, but I didn't and most of my friends are no longer my friends because of the person I became when I was with her. My suggesstion to all is that if your friends dont like him or her, then the bf/gf has to go!

  3. Jess says:
    Tue, 20th Oct 20092:50 pm 

    I don't do it anymore. The friend just gets defensive and it seems when someone is asking what you think they don't really want to the truth aka a big waste of time and a sure way to create unneeded drama.

  4. Gina says:
    Tue, 20th Oct 20093:40 pm 

    My best friend is currently with one of these douche bags. Let me start off with saying she does not have the best luck with men. Before she started going out with him we would speak every day and hang out at least 5 times a week, so it's safe to say we were close. Now we speak probably twice a week and it's usually through text messages. When we hang out she sticks around for about an hour till "something comes up" and she has to leave to hang out with the douche. I'm talking HUGE birthday party that our group of friends put together and he's too scared to hang out with us therefore she bails. He HATES to hang out with her friends, so in result I've seen him maybe twice and he barely speaks, but if he does it is rude. She obeys every request him makes, so he takes advantage of it. When the worst part is she thinks she is on top of the relationship but everyone sees it very differently. When she talks about him, she loves to say how she is going to "change him" to be exactly what she wants, but that should already be enough indication that he is not right for her. She is disconnecting herself in a very negative way and doesn't realize that her friends do not want to deal with the inconvenience that the friendship has become. I have been leaving her alone to see if she can realize the situation she has put herself in, but it doesn't seem to be working. It's very sad because she's so hungry for love she doesn't realize she is being sucked into a black hole where she will be left alone.

  5. Ally says:
    Tue, 20th Oct 20095:14 pm 

    Gina, that was exactly my "friend" last year and we are no longer friends because of him, he manipulates her and hits her but she is convinced she is in love. Hope you don't lose a friend, it sucks :P

  6. shari says:
    Tue, 20th Oct 20096:24 pm 

    my best friend and i are no longer friends because i told her that i didn't like her boyfriend. we was like my friend soul mate and now we haven't even spoken in a year. they're still together even though i hear through mutual friends that she's unhappy. it sucks.

  7. Katie C says:
    Tue, 20th Oct 20097:18 pm 

    I like when girls are unhappy with their douche bag boyfriends. It makes me so happy. I grin from ear to ear. Yipee!!!!!!

  8. Casey says:
    Wed, 21st Oct 20097:44 am 

    My ex-best friend told me she didn't like my boyfriend when he and I first started dating and tried to convince me to break up with him because, 1. she didn't think we were right for each other (although she had no reasons why not) 2. I was to young to have a serious relationship (although that's what I wanted and I had had plenty in the past) and 3. Once I went away to college I wouldn't want to be tied down (By that point I was done with the whole college/party scene). A couple days later one of her guy friends told me she wanted me to end it with my guy because she was jealous because she'd never had a real relationship, and upset because since I'd gotten a boyfriend I wouldn't want to go away to school with her. That was the end of our friendship. My boyfriend is amazing and if a "friend" is going to try and sabotage a perfectly good thing that I've got going on, then she's not really a friend. It was kind of sad though cause like Shari said, we were friend soul mates. What really made me mad though was she and my boyfriend got along great, they were like the same person but opposite sex, and my boyfriends best friend is like my opposite sex twin, so had she not tried to sabotage my relationship, she might have even ended up with one of her own.

    I say, as long as the friend isn't in danger from the relationship (emotional, mental, or physical) then just let her (or him) be happy. They should be free to make their own mistakes. Friends aren't there to dictate and run each others lives, they're there to give advice WHEN IT'S ASKED of them, and be a shoulder to cry on when a friend does make a mistake. Don't encroach on your friends right to live.

  9. JohnE says:
    Mon, 26th Oct 20096:15 am 

    If you don't like a friends Bf/gf and you can't say so without drama then that person isn't a real friend. If you try to interfere in a friends relationship that isn't abusive or harmful then you aren't a friend. I had one friend that dated this girl I didn't like. I told him I didn't liek her but I never tried to come between them. He eventually dumped her, she did some growing up they got back together and are now married and now she is one of my favorite people. If you can't be honest with someone then they really aren't your friend.

  10. SERIOUSLY. says:
    Wed, 28th Oct 20098:03 pm 

    This happened to me … my ex-best friend hates my boyfriend, but for NO reason other than I'm happy with him & she apparently can't stand that. Next time, an article that addresses jealous girls who can't stand that their friends are finally in a happy stable relationship would be pertinent. If it wasn't for my boyfriend, I would've done some really bad things to myself…he saved me. But my "bff" didn't see it that way– just because he is more mature and didn't party as much/wasn't as big of a douche as everyone else at my school, that meant that he was a loser. Well at least I know I'll be happy for the rest of my life … she hasn't even had a boyfriend in her life. Sucks for her, I guess.

  11. Toni says:
    Thu, 29th Oct 20097:13 am 

    I Love this, a subject most of us have been on BOTH sides.

    "cheese curds" says it all. Keep it coming. A Spice Girl Fan

  12. Justin says:
    Mon, 9th Nov 20099:49 pm 

    funny thing is. If this is the opposite, if a guy's friends calls the said guy's girlfriend is a bitch. Then more often then not she is.

  13. Josey says:
    Tue, 1st Dec 20098:13 pm 

    I don't do it unless there is serious (physical abuse, emotional abuse etc) because you are not in the position to see everything. A lot of times, friends will complain about their SO and you believe that the person must be a jerk, when in fact, they're just a jerk that one time

  14. Single In Atlanta says:
    Mon, 8th Mar 20107:18 am 

    This is why I don't keep close girlfriends. I think I'm to grown to be explaining myself to people. I do what I wanna do. =) http://www.singleinatl.com

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