Celebrity Alcohol: Makes Me Sick Twice as Quick

Only douchebags drink Ed Hardy Vodka

Here’s an analogy for you, try to channel those SAT study sheets. (Ew I know, worst memory ever.)

By Brianna

Intellectual is to Bookstore as College Student is to __________.

Yes, the answer is liquor store. On my weekly (OK, daily) visits I peruse the shelves searching for a hidden gem. A creamy liquor stuck in the back, a girly vodka that will be the life of Friday’s pre-gaming party session. I constantly find myself lost in the aisles emerging an hour later with nothing to show for it but a bottle of Smirnoff, because, let’s be real, a girl can dream but I’m on a college budget here.

But just like memoirs by celebs who have done absolutely nothing worth writing about (Paris Hilton anyone?) crowding Borders’ shelves, I find myself annoyed by the obnoxiously overpriced bottles of celebrity alcohols that have made their way into my serves-the-under-21-crowd corner store. As if infiltrating every other aspect of my life wasn’t enough.

Can’t a girl relax in a liquor store without having to fight her way through tacky advertising gimmicks and heart stopping price tags?

Apparently not. I think a couple of them are so obnoxious and unnecessary that they are worth a mention. And a cease and desist. And the winners are…

Dan Aykryod: Crystal Head Vodka

Oh goody, vodka in a crystal skeleton head!? I will definitely pay $50 for that. Not! I think I can get the same affect by stopping by the Halloween store pick up a couple plastic skeletons and dumping my $10 Svedka in it, thankyouverymuch.

Danny Devito: Limoncello

A tiny, bald man with a burger gut selling limoncello liquor. I don’t even really know what to say about this. I guess the acting career’s gone sour?

Ed Hardy: Vodka

The bottles are as tacky as the clothing line and I don’t need anything else triggering my gag reflex while I’m knocking em’ back. Send the rest of the inventory to Jon Gosselin and get them out of my liquor store.

Marilyn Manson: Mansinthe

He came out with his own brand of Absinthe? This explains a lot, actually.

Donald Trump: Trump Vodka

This actually isn’t that surprising. And I’m sure The Donald thinks this is the absolute best vodka in the world. Much like the best line of suits, the best hotels, the best celebrity reality show…

Lil Jon: Little Jonathan Winery

Urban rap star by day, wine connoisseur by night? Lil Jon may be sipping on Patron but Little Jonathan classes it up with a bottle of red. Let’s all gather around for a night of wafting, sipping and intellectual conversation.

Savana Sampson: Sogno Due Wine

Well fancy that, selling sex isn’t enough, she’s now selling alcohol. It’s actually pretty cheap (which makes sense considering so is she), but you just can’t beat a $4 bottle of Arbor Mist. Sorry, Savana!

Dr. Dre: Aftermath Congac

I suppose he has no choice since his music is so last century. But we’re not going to lie, his sparkling vodka that is in the works sounds pretty much like the most amazing thing ever.