Scary Sex Positions No One Should Try

arc-de-triomph-sp_md passion-propeller-sp-md

Every month Cosmopolitan challenges me with article titles such as: “Sex Positions You’ve Never Tried!” Not believing them, combined with my love of a challenge, I took a gander at the list of positions they’d laid out for me. I’d been looking for a little more adventure in my life and I’ve always been all about trying everything once.

Until now.

Based on the names alone, I had no problem saying, “You’re right, Cosmo, I never have tried the Erotic Accordion… and I never want to.” Yes, I actually spoke out loud to my monthly magazine.

Here are a list of some Cosmo-recommended sex positions that sound less than pleasurable. Try them if you dare. I will not:


Erotic Accordion:
If I want to have a sex positions named after an instrument, I’d be more inclined to test out the Carnal Clarinet or any other wind instrument for that matter. What’s sexy about an accordion? There’s just something about folding and unfolding my body just doesn’t sound appealing. And imagining the old, mustachioed men who usually play accordions doesn’t really add much to my fantasies either.



The Linguini: I’m sorry to have to bring this up, but doesn’t this immediately make you think of the word “flaccid.” Limp noodle sex? I’ll pass.



Passion Propeller: I have visions of propelling myself like a helicopter blade. I also have a vision of propelling myself right into the wall. I’m not ready to take flight just yet.



Standing Tiger/Crouching Dragon: Don’t you mean Crouching Tiger/Hidden Penis? Sexuality and violence may be an aphrodisiac for some, but personally, I like to keep marital arts out of the bedroom.



Arc de Triomph: I haven’t had much time for yoga lately, so folding myself into this position (which I’m pretty sure I can’t even pronounce) would not be sexy. Unless you consider spontaneous leg spasms a turn-on.



The Erotic End: Is this just sweet talk for anal? You can put it anyway you want, but you can’t put it there.



    1. J says:

      "And imagining the old, mustachioed men who usually play accordions doesn’t really add much to my fantasies either."


    2. Destinii says:

      Ahahaha LMFAO this is hilarious

    3. Al says:

      Erotic end commentary = priceless. Note to self, The Linguini and Arc de Triomph look really good. Both erotic accordion and erotic end remind me of taking a dump, I'll pass. And passion propellor just looks like a bad idea.

    4. Alice says:

      The Linguini is quite an unfortunate name, but it's amazing for deep penetration, at least I think it's the same. The picture is small.

      There's nothing wrong with crouching tiger, standing dragon. But that is really a wtf name.

      I tried the Arc de Triomph. I like stretching and it felt nice in that way. But once in that position, it's impossible to move or thrust.

      The Erotic Accordion, the Passion Propeller, and the Erotic End just looks like bad news bears.

    5. Star says:

      I'm not even sure how the Passion Propeller works. It sort of looks like one of you has to be cut it half first. Guess it's time to break out the chainsaw…

    6. Kelsey says:

      I don't see anything wrong with the crouching tiger/standing dragon. It looks more like doggy-style to me, which is my FAVE position! lol

    7. L.A. Rag Mag says:

      […] COSMO’S LIST OF SCARY SEX POSITIONS – Like The Passion Propeller Pictured Here! […]

    8. criolle says:

      You left out "rodeo" style. It's like "doggie" style, but just before orgasm, the man calls out her sister's name … and tries to hold on for eight seconds.

    9. kiki says:

      ew at the accordion, srsly he looks like he should be the girl, u know when u put ur legs on his shoulders…idk, i dont like that.

    10. chronic wanker says:

      hey i just found this site that looks just like facebook once ur logged in, except everyone is horny lookin for fun,

    11. Neal says:

      These are tame! The ones listed here –… – are SCARY! Just in time for halloween:)

    12. […] Scary Sex Positions No One Should Try [CollegeCandy] […]

    13. Mal says:

      Yeah… i dont get the propeller one either….

    14. […] Scary sex positions? Yes! – Toob It […]

    15. Emily says:

      The propeller one just looks like they're really bad at 69ing.

    16. Mike says:

      Dear College Candy,

      Those aren't hard, please put up challenging ones.


      PS.the Passion Propeller was hard to get down, but it's worth it

    17. […] Sex Positions No One Should Try November 11, 2009 – 3:30 pm By COED Staff • Scary Sex Positions No One Should […]

    18. Jen says:

      Passion Propeller looks scary, unless your a fan of puke cause that whats gonna happen when you propell yourself long enough

    19. John Skookum says:

      I find it comical how all the tough-talkin' sexy chix on these college sites are always pretending anal is completely taboo. I cornholed dozens of these girls in college. I think 75% of the girls under 40 that you see walking down the street have been buggered at least once.

    20. […] be no misunderstandings is in the bedroom. And there shouldn’t be as long as you avoid these sex positions that no one should ever try and  instead focus on sex positions that are actually […]

    21. […] in. The Linguini en The Erotic End vind ik persoonlijk wel leutig. Wat vind jij? Bekijk de rest HIERRR! Handig | Tags:    Reageren is mogelijk, pingen […]

    22. lilly says:

      oncce me and my boyfriend did the crouching tiger…

      it was so sexy.. i just couldn't get enough i pushed and

      pushed it was amazing..

      p.s his butt is sssoo fuckin cute.

    23. anonimouse says:

      just terrible reasons not to try sex positions…. is a name all that important?

    24. Rose says:

      I am ten and I want to have sex. I always try to make a sex toy but I can’t fit any ov them in. There all just too big and fat. What do

      I do.??

      1. Tim says:

        im sorry but you are a little young to be making sex toys. Plus you don't want to be loose by the time you are 14.

    25. caly says:

      Hey rose you r a little young but if you do anyway make sure your parents dont find out they will get pissed (trust me i know)

    26. Arrah says:

      Totaly agree with caly

    27. Trish Lee says:

      Four of these work fine. Not game to try the others.

    28. cole says:

      this are great had the best evenig ever and now my girlfriend is pregnant

    29. Jason says:

      lol marital art/martial art – nice pun!

    30. Walter Cabanglan says:

      Rose.. you're 10?? 10 years old or what??

    31. Elizabeth says:

      You’re ten ??? You’ve got to be kidding me. I’ve never had sex and your wanting too? Smh….

    32. Lucy porter 129 says:

      Rose if there all to big then use house hold objects like a bannana or pencil I find on myself as a 13 year old who has lost my v that drum sticks work well and also when masturbateing rub your clit a lot and if you are going to have sex shave any pubic hairs as boys dont like them

    33. its me says:

      who ever said that boys don like pubic hairs????

    34. Sunday says:

      I wish to the best position for delay ejaculation

    35. Chris says:

      I actually feel sorry for the author, she's very rigid and must have a boring sex life.

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