Scary Sex Positions No One Should Try

October 23, 2009 5:00 pm     Posted in HaHa, Sex  Brittany - University of Richmond g+ page

arc-de-triomph-sp_md passion-propeller-sp-md


By Brittany

Every month Cosmopolitan challenges me with article titles such as: “Sex Positions You’ve Never Tried!” Not believing them, combined with my love of a challenge, I took a gander at the list of positions they’d laid out for me. I’d been looking for a little more adventure in my life and I’ve always been all about trying everything once.

Until now.

Based on the names alone, I had no problem saying, “You’re right, Cosmo, I never have tried the Erotic Accordion… and I never want to.” Yes, I actually spoke out loud to my monthly magazine.

Here are a list of some Cosmo-recommended sex positions that sound less than pleasurable. Try them if you dare. I will not:

erotic-accordion-sp-md


Erotic Accordion: If I want to have a sex positions named after an instrument, I’d be more inclined to test out the Carnal Clarinet or any other wind instrument for that matter. What’s sexy about an accordion? There’s just something about folding and unfolding my body just doesn’t sound appealing. And imagining the old, mustachioed men who usually play accordions doesn’t really add much to my fantasies either.

cc-divider

the-linguini-sp_md

The Linguini: I’m sorry to have to bring this up, but doesn’t this immediately make you think of the word “flaccid.” Limp noodle sex? I’ll pass.

cc-divider

passion-propeller-sp-md

Passion Propeller: I have visions of propelling myself like a helicopter blade. I also have a vision of propelling myself right into the wall. I’m not ready to take flight just yet.

cc-divider

standing-tiger-crouching-dragon-sp_md

Standing Tiger/Crouching Dragon: Don’t you mean Crouching Tiger/Hidden Penis? Sexuality and violence may be an aphrodisiac for some, but personally, I like to keep marital arts out of the bedroom.

cc-divider

arc-de-triomph-sp_md

Arc de Triomph: I haven’t had much time for yoga lately, so folding myself into this position (which I’m pretty sure I can’t even pronounce) would not be sexy. Unless you consider spontaneous leg spasms a turn-on.

cc-divider

the-erotic-end-sp_md

The Erotic End: Is this just sweet talk for anal? You can put it anyway you want, but you can’t put it there.

39 Comments on "Scary Sex Positions No One Should Try"

  1. J says:
    Fri, 23rd Oct 20091:03 pm 

    "And imagining the old, mustachioed men who usually play accordions doesn’t really add much to my fantasies either."

    lmao

  2. Destinii says:
    Fri, 23rd Oct 20091:48 pm 

    Ahahaha LMFAO this is hilarious

  3. Al says:
    Fri, 23rd Oct 20092:28 pm 

    Erotic end commentary = priceless. Note to self, The Linguini and Arc de Triomph look really good. Both erotic accordion and erotic end remind me of taking a dump, I'll pass. And passion propellor just looks like a bad idea.

  4. Alice says:
    Fri, 23rd Oct 20092:41 pm 

    The Linguini is quite an unfortunate name, but it's amazing for deep penetration, at least I think it's the same. The picture is small.

    There's nothing wrong with crouching tiger, standing dragon. But that is really a wtf name.

    I tried the Arc de Triomph. I like stretching and it felt nice in that way. But once in that position, it's impossible to move or thrust.

    The Erotic Accordion, the Passion Propeller, and the Erotic End just looks like bad news bears.

  5. Star says:
    Fri, 23rd Oct 20093:37 pm 

    I'm not even sure how the Passion Propeller works. It sort of looks like one of you has to be cut it half first. Guess it's time to break out the chainsaw…

  6. Kelsey says:
    Fri, 23rd Oct 20095:06 pm 

    I don't see anything wrong with the crouching tiger/standing dragon. It looks more like doggy-style to me, which is my FAVE position! lol

  7. sticcy says:
    Mon, 26th Oct 20098:25 am 

    http://shady80baby-thepandemicisinourhome.blogspo…

  8. criolle says:
    Mon, 26th Oct 20094:26 pm 

    You left out "rodeo" style. It's like "doggie" style, but just before orgasm, the man calls out her sister's name … and tries to hold on for eight seconds.

  9. kiki says:
    Tue, 27th Oct 200911:40 am 

    ew at the accordion, srsly he looks like he should be the girl, u know when u put ur legs on his shoulders…idk, i dont like that.

  10. chronic wanker says:
    Wed, 28th Oct 20095:23 am 

    hey i just found this site that looks just like facebook once ur logged in, except everyone is horny lookin for fun, http://www.xadultbook.com

  11. Neal says:
    Wed, 28th Oct 20092:49 pm 

    These are tame! The ones listed here – http://coedmagazine.com/2009/10/07/the-12-most-ri… – are SCARY! Just in time for halloween :)

  12. Mal says:
    Mon, 2nd Nov 200911:11 am 

    Yeah… i dont get the propeller one either….

  13. Emily says:
    Wed, 4th Nov 20095:33 pm 

    The propeller one just looks like they're really bad at 69ing.

  14. Mike says:
    Wed, 11th Nov 200912:38 pm 

    Dear College Candy,

    Those aren't hard, please put up challenging ones.

    Mike

    PS.the Passion Propeller was hard to get down, but it's worth it

  15. Jen says:
    Sat, 23rd Jan 20106:31 am 

    Passion Propeller looks scary, unless your a fan of puke cause that whats gonna happen when you propell yourself long enough

  16. John Skookum says:
    Wed, 21st Apr 20109:16 pm 

    I find it comical how all the tough-talkin' sexy chix on these college sites are always pretending anal is completely taboo. I cornholed dozens of these girls in college. I think 75% of the girls under 40 that you see walking down the street have been buggered at least once.

  17. lilly says:
    Sun, 11th Jul 201010:54 am 

    oncce me and my boyfriend did the crouching tiger…

    it was so sexy.. i just couldn't get enough i pushed and

    pushed it was amazing..

    p.s his butt is sssoo fuckin cute.

  18. anonimouse says:
    Sat, 4th Dec 201010:45 pm 

    just terrible reasons not to try sex positions…. is a name all that important?

  19. Rose says:
    Mon, 14th Mar 201111:21 pm 

    I am ten and I want to have sex. I always try to make a sex toy but I can’t fit any ov them in. There all just too big and fat. What do

    I do.??

  20. Tim says:
    Mon, 14th Mar 201111:45 pm 

    im sorry but you are a little young to be making sex toys. Plus you don't want to be loose by the time you are 14.

  21. caly says:
    Sun, 20th Mar 20111:51 am 

    Hey rose you r a little young but if you do anyway make sure your parents dont find out they will get pissed (trust me i know)

  22. Arrah says:
    Sun, 20th Mar 20112:28 am 

    Totaly agree with caly

  23. Trish Lee says:
    Mon, 11th Apr 20118:48 am 

    Four of these work fine. Not game to try the others.

  24. cole says:
    Sat, 23rd Apr 20115:54 am 

    this are great had the best evenig ever and now my girlfriend is pregnant

  25. Jason says:
    Mon, 22nd Aug 20114:04 am 

    lol marital art/martial art – nice pun!

  26. Walter Cabanglan says:
    Thu, 1st Sep 20114:31 am 

    Rose.. you're 10?? 10 years old or what??

  27. Elizabeth says:
    Sat, 11th Feb 20124:05 pm 

    You’re ten ??? You’ve got to be kidding me. I’ve never had sex and your wanting too? Smh….

  28. Lucy porter 129 says:
    Thu, 23rd Feb 20121:14 pm 

    Rose if there all to big then use house hold objects like a bannana or pencil I find on myself as a 13 year old who has lost my v that drum sticks work well and also when masturbateing rub your clit a lot and if you are going to have sex shave any pubic hairs as boys dont like them

  29. its me says:
    Sun, 6th May 201212:59 am 

    who ever said that boys don like pubic hairs????

  30. Sunday says:
    Fri, 15th Jun 20126:56 pm 

    I wish to the best position for delay ejaculation

  31. Chris says:
    Fri, 5th Oct 20129:15 pm 

    I actually feel sorry for the author, she's very rigid and must have a boring sex life.

Tell us what you're thinking...