Scary Sex Positions No One Should Try

arc-de-triomph-sp_md passion-propeller-sp-md

Every month Cosmopolitan challenges me with article titles such as: “Sex Positions You’ve Never Tried!” Not believing them, combined with my love of a challenge, I took a gander at the list of positions they’d laid out for me. I’d been looking for a little more adventure in my life and I’ve always been all about trying everything once.

Until now.

Based on the names alone, I had no problem saying, “You’re right, Cosmo, I never have tried the Erotic Accordion… and I never want to.” Yes, I actually spoke out loud to my monthly magazine.

Here are a list of some Cosmo-recommended sex positions that sound less than pleasurable. Try them if you dare. I will not:

erotic-accordion-sp-md


Erotic Accordion:
If I want to have a sex positions named after an instrument, I’d be more inclined to test out the Carnal Clarinet or any other wind instrument for that matter. What’s sexy about an accordion? There’s just something about folding and unfolding my body just doesn’t sound appealing. And imagining the old, mustachioed men who usually play accordions doesn’t really add much to my fantasies either.

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the-linguini-sp_md

The Linguini: I’m sorry to have to bring this up, but doesn’t this immediately make you think of the word “flaccid.” Limp noodle sex? I’ll pass.

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passion-propeller-sp-md

Passion Propeller: I have visions of propelling myself like a helicopter blade. I also have a vision of propelling myself right into the wall. I’m not ready to take flight just yet.

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standing-tiger-crouching-dragon-sp_md

Standing Tiger/Crouching Dragon: Don’t you mean Crouching Tiger/Hidden Penis? Sexuality and violence may be an aphrodisiac for some, but personally, I like to keep marital arts out of the bedroom.

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arc-de-triomph-sp_md

Arc de Triomph: I haven’t had much time for yoga lately, so folding myself into this position (which I’m pretty sure I can’t even pronounce) would not be sexy. Unless you consider spontaneous leg spasms a turn-on.

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the-erotic-end-sp_md

The Erotic End: Is this just sweet talk for anal? You can put it anyway you want, but you can’t put it there.

21 Comments on "Scary Sex Positions No One Should Try"

  1. J says:
    Fri, 23rd Oct 20096:03 pm 

    “And imagining the old, mustachioed men who usually play accordions doesn’t really add much to my fantasies either.”
    lmao

  2. Destinii says:
    Fri, 23rd Oct 20096:48 pm 

    Ahahaha LMFAO this is hilarious

  3. Al says:
    Fri, 23rd Oct 20097:28 pm 

    Erotic end commentary = priceless. Note to self, The Linguini and Arc de Triomph look really good. Both erotic accordion and erotic end remind me of taking a dump, I’ll pass. And passion propellor just looks like a bad idea.

  4. Alice says:
    Fri, 23rd Oct 20097:41 pm 

    The Linguini is quite an unfortunate name, but it’s amazing for deep penetration, at least I think it’s the same. The picture is small.

    There’s nothing wrong with crouching tiger, standing dragon. But that is really a wtf name.

    I tried the Arc de Triomph. I like stretching and it felt nice in that way. But once in that position, it’s impossible to move or thrust.

    The Erotic Accordion, the Passion Propeller, and the Erotic End just looks like bad news bears.

  5. Star says:
    Fri, 23rd Oct 20098:37 pm 

    I’m not even sure how the Passion Propeller works. It sort of looks like one of you has to be cut it half first. Guess it’s time to break out the chainsaw…

  6. Kelsey says:
    Fri, 23rd Oct 200910:06 pm 

    I don’t see anything wrong with the crouching tiger/standing dragon. It looks more like doggy-style to me, which is my FAVE position! lol

  7. sticcy says:
    Mon, 26th Oct 20091:25 pm 

    http://shady80baby-thepandemicisinourhome.blogspot

  8. criolle says:
    Mon, 26th Oct 20099:26 pm 

    You left out “rodeo” style. It’s like “doggie” style, but just before orgasm, the man calls out her sister’s name … and tries to hold on for eight seconds.

  9. kiki says:
    Tue, 27th Oct 20094:40 pm 

    ew at the accordion, srsly he looks like he should be the girl, u know when u put ur legs on his shoulders…idk, i dont like that.

  10. chronic wanker says:
    Wed, 28th Oct 200910:23 am 

    hey i just found this site that looks just like facebook once ur logged in, except everyone is horny lookin for fun, http://www.xadultbook.com

  11. Neal says:
    Wed, 28th Oct 20097:49 pm 

    These are tame! The ones listed here – http://coedmagazine.com/2009/10/07/the-12-most-ridiculous-sounding-sex-moves/ – are SCARY! Just in time for halloween :)

  12. Mal says:
    Mon, 2nd Nov 20094:11 pm 

    Yeah… i dont get the propeller one either….

  13. Emily says:
    Wed, 4th Nov 200910:33 pm 

    The propeller one just looks like they’re really bad at 69ing.

  14. Mike says:
    Wed, 11th Nov 20095:38 pm 

    Dear College Candy,

    Those aren’t hard, please put up challenging ones.

    Mike

    PS.the Passion Propeller was hard to get down, but it’s worth it

  15. Jen says:
    Sat, 23rd Jan 201011:31 am 

    Passion Propeller looks scary, unless your a fan of puke cause that whats gonna happen when you propell yourself long enough

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