Scary Sex Positions No One Should Try

Every month Cosmopolitan challenges me with article titles such as: “Sex Positions You’ve Never Tried!” Not believing them, combined with my love of a challenge, I took a gander at the list of positions they’d laid out for me. I’d been looking for a little more adventure in my life and I’ve always been all about trying everything once.

Until now.

Based on the names alone, I had no problem saying, “You’re right, Cosmo, I never have tried the Erotic Accordion… and I never want to.” Yes, I actually spoke out loud to my monthly magazine.

Here are a list of some Cosmo-recommended sex positions that sound less than pleasurable. Try them if you dare. I will not:

Erotic Accordion: If I want to have a sex positions named after an instrument, I’d be more inclined to test out the Carnal Clarinet or any other wind instrument for that matter. What’s sexy about an accordion? There’s just something about folding and unfolding my body just doesn’t sound appealing. And imagining the old, mustachioed men who usually play accordions doesn’t really add much to my fantasies either.

The Linguini: I’m sorry to have to bring this up, but doesn’t this immediately make you think of the word “flaccid.” Limp noodle sex? I’ll pass.

Passion Propeller: I have visions of propelling myself like a helicopter blade. I also have a vision of propelling myself right into the wall. I’m not ready to take flight just yet.

Standing Tiger/Crouching Dragon: Don’t you mean Crouching Tiger/Hidden Penis? Sexuality and violence may be an aphrodisiac for some, but personally, I like to keep marital arts out of the bedroom.

Arc de Triomph: I haven’t had much time for yoga lately, so folding myself into this position (which I’m pretty sure I can’t even pronounce) would not be sexy. Unless you consider spontaneous leg spasms a turn-on.

The Erotic End: Is this just sweet talk for anal? You can put it anyway you want, but you can’t put it there.