Overheard: Mr. Darcy is Batman

By John

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over to us to put in next week’s post.

(Two girls, hanging out in the women’s center.)

Girl: It would decrease your value as a lesbian lover if you didn’t have any fingers.

(One girl, leaning across the aisle during class.)

Girl 1: Hey… hey.

Girl 2: What?

Girl 1: Have you ever been to CakeFarts dot com?

(Guy, talking to his friends at a restaurant.)

Guy: I kinda want to shoot myself in the stomach so food will fall out.

(Two girls and a guy, making dinner.)

Guy: I don’t know. How do you melt cheese?

Girl 1: Don’t you just sit on it?

Girl 2: You could have a cooking show. “Cooking Butt.”

(Two big frat guys, walking outside the dining hall.)

Guy 1: I don’t know if she likes me. Like, she called me, and she wants to hang out… but I still don’t know. What do you think?

Guy 2: Well, how do you feel when you’re together?

Guy 1: I feel really good.

Girl, in front of them: *starts crying*

(Guy, yelling into his cell phone, riding on a skateboard.)

Guy: YOU GOTTA DO IT WITH LOVE, MAN!

(Girl in class, reading “Sleeping Beauty” out loud.)

Girl (reading): … What took you so long?

Guy: Aren’t you a little short for a Stormtrooper?

(Girl, guy, talking over lunch.)

Girl: The drag ball’s this Saturday.

Guy (flabbergasted): The… the drag ball!? But … but this changes everything!

(Girl, on the phone.)

Girl: I do love you! But I gotta chill on the ropes first!

(Class discussion of an English book.)

Girl: So, he’s just big, old, repressed and asexual. Like an 18th-century Dumbledore.

(Girl, guy, finishing dinner.)

Guy: Ow! I hate going out with you. You’re just all stabbing, all the time.