Everyone Needs a Pair of Glow-in-the-Dark Pants

I own a lot of jeans. A lot. I have my comfy jeans for class, I have my sexy jeans for going out, I have my fat jeans for the end of the school year when nothing else fits, and I have my weekend jeans with the giant holes in the knees/between my legs where my thighs rub together.

What I don’t have is a pair that glows in the dark.

I know! What’s wrong with me? How have I survived college this long without Diesel’s latest design that glows bright white under the dim lighting so common in sweaty frat basements? It’s amazing I’m even here to tell the tale.

OK, so at first glance glow-in-the-dark pants might seem appropriate for raves and raves only, but upon further inspection these things could really be a great investment. Just think about all the times a pair of glowing legs might come in handy:

1) When you’re scrambling around a stranger’s dorm room at 3 am after a particularly lackluster bedroom performance. You gotta find those clothes quickly and get out of there without him waking up. But how does one find her jeans on a floor littered with dirty clothes and – ew – week-old Chinese food? I bet you’re praying for some glow-in-the-dark pants now, aren’t ya?

2) Hell, if you were wearing glow in the dark pants you may have never ended up in that stranger’s bed in the first place. The glow from down below may have shed a little light on his face and you would have realized early on that he was balding and 44-years-old before you got back to his bachelor pad…off campus.

3) There are so many freakin’ people at some of these parties that you go to the bathroom for 3 minutes and come back to find your friends have completely vanished. How are you supposed to find anyone in a sea of grinding drunk people who all look exactly the same in their dark denim and low-cut black tops? Wouldn’t it help if Sleazy Sarah (who happens to be going at it on some dirty futon) was wearing a pair of light up pantalones?

4) Maybe you had a study group, maybe the late night munchies, or maybe you were making a secret visit to a “friend” across campus in the late hours of the night (we won’t judge). Whatever has brought you outside at this hour (and into pitch blackness), your glow-in-the-dark-pants will ensure that everyone sees you on your trip back to your room. Safety first, right ladies?

5) They are glow-in-the-dark pants. If those don’t get guys talkin’ to you, I don’t know what will.