The Secrets to Happily Ever After Revealed

I went to college hoping to graduate with my M.R.S. degree. Little did I know that instead of perusing the collegiate hallways for my future husband, I should have just shacked up with my parent’s handy man.

By Brittany

According to an academic report published in the European Journal of Operational Research, women looking for a long-lasting, loving marriage should settle down with a man five or more years older, who has received less education than they have. Scientists tracked 1,000 couples who were either married or in serious relationships over five years. Their research suggested that if neither partner had been previously divorced and their age and education fell within the guidelines, marital bliss was sure to ensue.

Older and dumber = happily married? So what you’re telling me is, I’ll have better success in my marriage if I settle down with a man in his mid-30s still working on receiving his high school degree rather than the Ivy League graduate or the hottie sitting next to me in Chem?

I don’t know how my parents will feel about this.
Sigh.
I don’t know how I feel about this.

I always envisioned myself with a handsome man, probably younger than me due to my cougar-ish nature, who is a gentleman and a scholar. He would challenge me intellectually and look damn good in a pair of jeans. Now it seems the criteria for my future mate has changed.

He must not be able to read.
Extra points if he’s going bald.

Somehow I’m not sure this will lead to my happily ever after, but I guess I’ll give it a shot. Move over college boys, I’ve got my eyes on that creepy towny making eyes at me at the bar. I think he might be my soul mate.