Coupled. The Real Relationship Milestones

"...I just farted."

I am pretty confident in my long-term relationship knowledge. Actually, at this point, I am pretty much an expert, as I am going on 8 years.

Yes, I heard the gasp. Someone just dropped her plate. Someone else is chocking on her Ramen. It isn’t common that you come across a college girl who is one half of a committed relationship, especially one with their high school sweetheart. But here I am. I do exist.

That being said, I know what it means to be a “real” couple. I’ve gone from the butterflies and blushing to knowing what he is thinking without even saying a word. We’ve been at this so long we’ve hit every milestone….more than once. And I’m talking about them all, from the biggies (like the first Valentine’s Day to meeting the parents) to the ones that people often forget, but which are the actual gauges of how serious your relationship really is.

The Fart
Undoubtedly one of the most important markers (and most disgusting, might I add) is farting. Yes, I had a couple excruciating years of holding them in every time we were together, and if one slipped out on accident I immediately blamed the dog. But there comes a point where you are comfortable enough with the other person to just let em’ rip  (of course my boyfriend probably wishes I was not this comfortable, but that’s besides the point).

Taking the Kids to The Pool
Pooping usually come around the same time as farting; once you reach the point where you can outright say “Babe, I have to go take a dump,” instead of making up another excuse to be gone for ten minutes, you know you’re getting somewhere. While this excretion process is best done behind closed doors regardless of how close you are (because nothing says I Love You quite like protecting someone from the scent of fecal matter), being pee-shy is just a translation of feelings in the relationship at large. Yes, being able to drop your pants and do a little numero uno while he’s brushing his teeth is a sign of true love and comfort.

Leave the Stubble
For a while I would shave before he came over…even if that was 5 days in a row, because I would have been mortified if he nicked himself on my stubble. But eventually I was able to grow a fleece blanket up to my knees and not think twice about it. I knew for sure that he’d love me, no matter how beastly my legs.

Without Your Face
The same goes for makeup. There was a point when my boyfriend would call to say he was stopping by last minute and I’d sprint into the bathroom and throw on my five-minute face. Now he’s one of the only people that I don’t feel self conscious around without mascara and some cover-up. When you hit that point where you feel at ease just being yourself, you know you’re a real couple. (When my boyfriend found out I was flat as a board without my bra and had a couple zits under that makeup and didn’t run for the hills, I knew he was a keeper).

Silence on the Other Line
I’d say the phone silence is the last major milestone. For a while phone silences are extremely awkward and you’ll do anything to fill the pause. (Like tell a really bad joke. Then tell it again when he doesn’t laugh cuz you think maybe he didn’t hear it….) But after you have been together for so long you literally become the person’s other half and it’s not necessary to fill every second of the phone conversation with sound. When you can sit on the phone in pure silence, with the exception of a couple farts, you know you’re a real couple.

Does anyone else have milestones for marking yourself as a “real” couple?