Wal-Mart Will Haunt Me For Eternity

Death isn’t something any of us like to think about. It’s scary and gives us that weird feeling in the pit of our stomachs. We’re also at that age where we think we are invincible, so it doesn’t cross our minds that often (except when we wake up in a strange place and thank God that we are still alive/promise to never drink again).

The few times I have given my funeral a thought, I picture lots of pink. I’m talking hot pink ribbon around the pews, baby pink roses and, of course, a pink-only dress code. (Hey, I want my life to be celebrated, and walking around in all black is way too Kelly Cutrone for my taste).

Anyways, just this morning I ran into one of those rare occasions when I thought of my own funeral. And what is it that spurned this thought, you ask?

Wal-Mart.

Yes, you heard me right. Wal-Mart is selling caskets. As in, those things in which you bury your loved ones. And who wouldn’t want to be buried in a casket from a store that has a bouncy smiley face for a spokesperson? Wait. That would be me. Seriously, the thought of spending eternity in a Wal-Mart casket has me seriously contemplating cremation. But only if the urn is from Tiffany’s and not the clearance aisle at my neighborhood big box store.

Don’t get me wrong. I know that people are always lookin’ for a bargain, but I have a feeling I wouldn’t be too happy watching over my loved ones as they sifted through Walmart.com for the best deal on my final resting place. Which may or may not be called the Pieta and The Last Supper Steel Casket. They might as well dress me in an itchy polyester sweater, put some Crocs on my feet and stuff my casket with beef jerky. Then let all the guests pop open a brewski and go cow-tipping in my honor.

Now, if Target sold caskets, well, that would be a whole different story.