Life After College: Halloween In The Real World

Halloween in NY brings out all the freaks.

I despised Halloween in college because I refused to be a sexy nurse or a sexy goat or a sexy window-washer. Instead of buying those bagged costumes I would put hours into brainstorming and creating a witty costume only to have it fail because no one “got it.” I figured that the one good thing about graduating was that I would never again have to enter a crowded, sweaty frat party and be stared down by 150 sexy firefighters.

As I was stuffed into a subway car this weekend (that was at least 200 people over capacity) and stabbed in the eyes by fairy wings and other assorted accessories that do not belong on public transportation, I realized Halloween never ends. I will have to spend the rest of my life dressing up in costumes and pretending to be charmed by men who at 45 years old still think it’s funny to dress as a gyno.

My disastrous night began when we began pregaming at 4 in the afternoon in an attempt to make it down to the famous NYC Halloween parade by 7. I’m no college student anymore so by the time we left at 7 I was tired-drunk. I could have just as easily crawled into bed, read a few articles in Good Housekeeping, and fallen asleep.

Instead we headed to the subway where I was subjected to every horrendous costume idea ever thought up. But at least I can now say I’ve met a real live sexy tea kettle. We got off the subway with about 2.8 billion other people so it took approximately six hours to get out of the actual station. Once we got out of the subway, it was pouring rain –and still insanely crowded outside. I’m pretty sure if I stopped moving for one second, I would have been stampeded to death. Due to the hurricane-like rainstorm we chose to skip the parade and instead find the closest bar.

The first thing I did once we found a bar was run to the bathroom and see if any part of my costume was still salvageable. One look in the mirror told me my night was over. My once straight hair now rose straight over my head in some kind of Shirley-Temple- Inspired hair do and my clothes hung off me like I had showered in them and then wore them out. The one time I would have preferred a hand blower over paper towels, the bathroom was stocked in paper towels. There was no hope.

I lasted at the bar about an hour before I started hinting that I was ready to go home. By midnight I was tucked into bed and fast asleep. While I would like to say that this was the last Halloween I’ll ever participate in, I know that a year from now I’ll be dragged out again in another “no one gets it” costume.