The Hills: This Show Is as Fake as Heidi’s Face. And Audrina’s Boobs.

My Tuesday nights typically look like this:

After class I put on my workout clothes and head over to the gym for a 5pm yoga class. When yoga is over and I’m good and centered (and quite limber), I head home, cook myself something healthy (last night it was chili…good thing that happened after yoga) then run to my friend’s apartment to get inspired by The Biggest Loser. And drool for Bob. And when that two hours is done and I’m feeling happy, good and healthy…I come home and watch The Hills.

Which makes me feel shallow, angry…and in the mood for something unhealthy and dipped in chocolate.

I know that no one is forcing me to watch this sh*tshow, but no matter how annoying it has become, I’ve been watching these kids since the beginning and I refuse to quit now. Mama didn’t raise no quitter! But that doesn’t mean I don’t hate all 22 minutes of it. Two of which (yes, I was timing it) were taken up by long and angry stares last night.

I guess my main problem with the show these days is that MTV isn’t even trying to convince us of its reality anymore. It’s like they know we’re hooked so they don’t even try to explain anything. Whereas it used to be that they claimed these kids were living their real lives in their 20’s and MTV was just along for the ride, now no one works, but everyone seems to live in giant houses and drive around in $80,000 cars.

Did Audrina purchase that Mercedes with her internship at the record label?
Did Heidi and Spencer afford that house in the Hollywood Hills on Spencer’s….wait, can you make money from sitting around reading magazines all day?
And how did Stephanie afford her total reconstructive surgery?

Well, on second thought, she probably saved a ton of money when she stopped eating…

Anyways, that’s not the point. Despite the fact that these people aren’t living a life even close to reality, I watch because I love the drama. And stupidity. And long, angry stares. And there was a little of each last night.

The drama:
The fight between Kristin and Audrina, which went a little something like this:
Kristin: Blah, blah, fake nice, blah, blah
Audrina: Blah, blah, Justin Bobby and I had drinks and he doesn’t like you, blah, blah, fake smile with big teeth
Kristin: YOU BITCH
Audrina: Stares blankly in the distance

Aaaaaand end scene. Well done, girls. Well done, indeed.

The stupidity:
Did Spencer really keep two dogs sitting in a bag all day and then give them to Heidi right when their “big” party started? Because I’m sure having a bunch of drunk d-bags over is the perfect opportunity to bring two living, breathing, needy babies into the house.

The long, angry stares:
Kristin and Justin Bobby, obviously. And I know we see the staring a lot on this show, but I swear I thought they were having an old-school staring contest this time. It went on forever. And, seriously, I never really understand why these people meet at really good restaurants to have fights and break up. No one ever gets to eat anything and they’re just taking a table from someone who might want to. Can’t they do it like real people and just send a text?

Or just never call back?

God, this show is so fake!