Foolproof Outs for Oral

November 11, 2009     Posted in Advice, Relationships, Sex

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By Brittany

We all have those days when the last thing we want in and around our mouth is our boyfriend’s Little General. Let’s be honest, sometimes the art of fellatio can be quite a chore. But denying our man what he most wants doesn’t come without guilt. While flat out rejection seems like cruel and unusual punishment, there are some foolproof excuses that will lessen the blow of the job-not done.

“I think I’m allergic to your sperm.”
Yes, that is possible. And unless he want’s to explain to the nurse at the health center exactly why your mouth is swollen to the size of a grapefruit, he better let you off the hook this time.

“It’s not me! It’s the curse of the lockjaw!”
A stiff jaw does not a good BJ make. The attack of the lockjaw is just as painful for him as it is for you. Especially if you catch a little skin in the midst of the untimely episode. The thought of a bleeding dick may turn him off to the idea altogether, and if it doesn’t, the thought of calling EMS to remove you from his man-bits might do the trick.

“Sorry, but my gag reflex is super sensitive today.”
There is no such thing as erotic vomiting. You may have loved that romantic dinner you two just enjoyed, but no one will be smiling when you see it for a second time. On his stomach. End of story.

“I have a cold and can’t breathe through my nose. I could die!”
Unless asphyxiation turns him on, this is an undeniable excuse. No one wants the headline of their obituary to read “Girl Loses Life Going Down on Boyfriend.” Remind him that you’ll be the shame of your family and it will be all his fault. And your dad owns a big ol’ gun. That should do it.

“Okay, but I spit.”
That one will work. Trust.

22 Comments on "Foolproof Outs for Oral"

  1. Christina says:
    Wed, 11th Nov 20098:54 am 

    Don't ever feel guilty. This is completely ridiculous – if you're not in a relationship where you can't just say no, you need out.

  2. Maria says:
    Wed, 11th Nov 200911:33 am 

    I have TMJ which makes my jaw lock up alot, and I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've been accused of just making up excuses not to give, even if I am having one of my bad days and I can hardly get my mouth open enough to eat, let alone give head.

  3. The Bartender says:
    Wed, 11th Nov 20091:11 pm 

    even though my prior comment was taken down. This is clearly the worst patch of advice either.

    JUST DO IT. It will not kill you. if you want guys to do it to girls, you should return the favor.

    I will never again date a girl that doesn't do oral anymore.

  4. Erich says:
    Wed, 11th Nov 20091:14 pm 

    Actually they suggest that a girl that wont give oral is a red flag.

  5. Angie says:
    Wed, 11th Nov 20091:38 pm 

    Jeez, unless you just don't feel like having sex, just do it, it's not a huge deal. How would you like it if your boyfriend made up excuses not to go down on you?

  6. Danielle says:
    Wed, 11th Nov 20092:01 pm 

    You know not all girls want guys to go down on them so that excuse about doing it for him so he does it for you is just stupid. I don't care how much I clean my crotch up I still know once a month it is just nasty down there and I don't want him kissing me after that so know some people just aren't into oral.

  7. Allison says:
    Wed, 11th Nov 20095:09 pm 

    I know the best one….”I have a canker sore on the inside of my mouth” pretty much gets you out of it.

  8. shari says:
    Wed, 11th Nov 20096:47 pm 

    wow, i hate this article. just do it!

  9. criolle says:
    Wed, 11th Nov 20096:54 pm 

    1. Like I care

    2. Like I care

    3. Like I care

    4. Like I care

    5. Like I care

    BECAUSE … if you're spending all your time thinking about how to GET OUT of things I DO NOT need or want you in my life.

    If I have to spend ANY time begging, or even thinking about begging, it's time to leave.

    It's called a RELATIONSHIP. Get a dictionary. Borrow a clue. Do NOT watch Oprah or Phil.

    Two people sharing life and romance.

    Not avoiding or begging.

  10. Lauren - University says:
    Thu, 12th Nov 20093:44 am 

    I thought this was hilarious. Why does everyone have their panties in a bunch?

    Anyone out there know what sarcasm is? Anyone? BUELLER?

  11. Funny says:
    Thu, 12th Nov 20096:11 am 

    I also have TMJ and can barely keep my mouth open for 5 minutes at the damn dentists office, so I can't generally give oral any longer than that either. And any serious/caring bf would rather sacrifice a little than have his gf/wife in dire pain for hours…

    And yes, it is painful. When your damn jaw is clicking and popping out of freaking socket there's not much you can do other than just have the talk with your boyfriend about it beforehand!

    Hey, 5 minutes is better than nothing, just have to make sure not to grab the side of my face and go "owwwwww" afterwards, that kinda kills the mood! lol

  12. oobunillaoo says:
    Sat, 14th Nov 20095:18 am 

    lol @ some of the guys in here getting heated. did it ever occur to some of you that not every guys sperm (or penis) tastes nice? just like there are girls you wouldn't go down on, there are guys that girls wouldn't go down on, and in those instances it's more polite to say the above than it is to say "you have an unsavory penis."

  13. oobunillaoo says:
    Sat, 14th Nov 20095:21 am 

    and an even bigger lol @ "just do it!" and "you're not the kind of girl i'd want" – as if the writer (or any self respecting, intelligent woman) gives a single solitary fuck what some knuckle-dragging frat-rejects with an internet connection and nothing better to do than read college candy has to say on the subject of sucking dick. maybe ya'll should put a few in your mouth before being so hasty in your orders / judgements.

  14. MattHChi says:
    Thu, 19th Nov 20095:10 am 

    To the above…I have had a few in my mouth, so I'll say it. It's not that big a deal. The TMJ I understand, my exgirlfriend has that and she loved giving oral, but could only do it in spuratic bursts, which was fine, it kept me rock hard and going strong and that's all I needed. I agree that there are some dicks you just don't want in your mouth just like you don't want to go down on some women…however, I'm bisexual and have had both and it's not that big a deal…going down on a women is a much more frightening experience to an inexperienced person. There is so much juice and it's an opening and blah blah blah…I think it's a beautiful thing but I'm more sexual than just about anyone I know…But I've gone down on plenty of guys and it's really not a big deal if they are clean. Nobody is saying you have to be down there for hours at a time…most guys get bored of that, though they won't admit it.

  15. Star says:
    Mon, 23rd Nov 20098:14 pm 

    You guys are absolutely right with the just do it line. Any time a guy or girl wants oral you should just go ahead. Better yet, why not go the whole way? Any time he/she wants sex, just do it! Who cares whether you want to? After all, what you want isn't important!

  16. Jess says:
    Fri, 4th Dec 20095:40 pm 

    I love giving my boyfriend oral, for us it's a trust/love thing. But I can understand the whole not wanting to, I never gave my ex head. So for any of you girls in Maryland(where I'm from) who don't enjoy going down town, I think you would be interested to know that there's an old law still on the books that states it is illegal to give or receive oral sex anywhere in the state. Next time your guy asks, just tell him you don't wanna get in trouble haha, just know that means he won't be able to return the favor for you…

  17. Guido says:
    Mon, 22nd Feb 20106:23 pm 

    Trade her in for someone that enjoys it. Suck it like the antidote is in it. Get that 'tussin.

  18. Tom says:
    Mon, 22nd Mar 20104:04 am 

    Girls who don't bj are as sexually repressed as guys who don't reciprocate. You wanna deny your man such a simple pleasure and expression of your love, don't cry when he leaves you for someone who'd love to. Learn to love it too!! All sexual repression is learned mythology. Think for yourself girls!! It will empower you.

  19. Alex says:
    Sun, 6th Jun 20107:55 pm 

    If you have a genuine physical or emotional problem which makes it uncomfortable, dangerous or impossible to perform fellatio, then your man will understand. (He may not stay with you or he may cheat on you, but he will understand).

    If, on the other hand you're selfish enough to continuously put your wishes ahead of his in this matter, then SHAME ON YOU.

    A pity some women spend so much time figuring out excuses rather than pleasing their men. But I don't imagine you girls mind when he goes down on you, do you? I thought not.

    Is a two way street and if you're into putting up roadblocks the only driving you're likely to do is to drive him into the arms, (and mouth), of another….. and serves you right….

  20. RC says:
    Thu, 19th Aug 201010:37 am 

    Whats wrong with just a simple not tonight how about a raincheck?

    If your the type that is completely against it and your partner loves it then there are some choices to be made. How important is it and can there be a compromise.

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