Ask A Dude: I Refuse To Be A Friend With Benefits

November 18, 2009 - 4:00 pm By The Dude
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Hey Dude,

I’ve done the Friends With Benefits thing, and, to say the least, I’m not cut out for it.  Now I have this amazing guy in my life who I consider my best friend, but I’m confused over how I’m supposed to know if he likes me as in a relationship sense or if he just wants to sleep with me.

He texts me quite often, even if just to say hi or to see what I’m up to, or make sure I’m feeling better when I’m sick.  We’ve gone out before with mutual friends and had a blast.  We’re both more of homebodies, so he comes over to my place now regularly and we hang out.  We’ve made out, but I end it before it goes any further because I don’t want the Friends With Benefits thing to happen.

So, how do I know?!

Thanks,
Confused

Hey Hey Confused,

Tricky situation, but let me Nancy Drew this mystery and break down the facts. First off, the guy wouldn’t text you or care if you’re sick if he just wants to sleep with you. Although texting might seem like a cop-out, in this day and age it’s a perfect vehicle for chatting someone up. Who even uses AIM anymore? Remember those days?

Secondly, it’s really great that you’re not putting out right away. Props. Not only are you protecting yourself and your feelings, but that also proves that he wants something more if he’s sticking around. This has clearly been running it’s course for a while; if he just wanted to get laid he’d have gotten frustrated and given up a long time ago. Guys are simple that way. Sure, we’ll pursue something that we can’t have, but if we’re just looking for a quick lay, there’s not a chance that we’ll text incessantly and baby you if you’re sick.

That sounds like he wants girlfriend material, not a few humps in a twin extra long. And throw a few bonus points to the relationship column if he’s hanging out with you and your friends.

No need to be confused, Confused. It sounds like homeboy is just a bit shy. Maybe you should help him step it up a notch and move the hang-out sessions to your favorite sushi spot instead of your dorm room futon. Or, if he’s not into the whole raw fish thing, you could just have “the talk.” I’m pretty confident he’s feeling the same way you are.

Hope that helps!

– El Dude

[Got a question for Mr. Dude? (And, no, that doesn't include asking him out; homeboy is taken!) Ask it: askthedude@collegecandy.com. He won't sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. He'll be 100% real dude, 100% of the time. So bring it on, ladies.]

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13 Comments   Posted in Advice, Relationships
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13 Comments on "Ask A Dude: I Refuse To Be A Friend With Benefits"

  1. Star says:
    Thu, 19th Nov 20091:26 am 

    Sounds like good advice except I don’t quite understand why people always say that if a friend-with-benefits type of guy only wanted sex they wouldn’t care about you. While I’m sure it could be true in some cases, often the person either does care because they could be a nice person who doesn’t want a relationship, or they pretend to care so you’ll sleep with them. At least that’s how it seems to me. The whole “he’ll be an uncaring guy who never calls” stereotype seems like it’s setting girls up to think that a guy who calls to ask them how their day went couldn’t possibly be a player.

  2. Leigha says:
    Thu, 19th Nov 20098:58 am 

    Yeah, I agree with Star. There’s no reason a friend with benefits can’t care about more than just sex. They could just be, you know, a friend…with benefits. Friends care, right? (And having talked to a guy friend about FWB before, he considers the friend part of things a prerequisite to the benefits part, so…)

  3. Casey says:
    Thu, 19th Nov 200911:21 am 

    Exactly Star and Leigha, There are “Friends with Benefits” and then there are “Fuck Buddies” and although they seem quite similar, they are actually rather different.

  4. namarie says:
    Wed, 25th Nov 200911:12 pm 

    Everyone realizes “the dude” is either gay or a chick, right?

  5. kope187 says:
    Mon, 30th Nov 200911:24 am 

    Guys are not friends with girls. We don;t care about American idol, top chef, or kate plus eight. we don;t care about how your girlfriend is sad because her boyfriend is a dick. Guys are friends with girls because they want to get laid or be your boyfriend. With the exception of gay men, take a look at your male friends and ask yourself honestly if he would sleep with you. I guarantee he would. We want to get laid. Its a status symbol to have women in our lives. Any man that tells you differently is either gay or he is lying to you. Prove me wrong=]

  6. Casey says:
    Mon, 30th Nov 20092:18 pm 

    kope187, you are oh so wrong :)

  7. Danny says:
    Tue, 1st Dec 20093:00 pm 

    What is being ignored in the original advice, (perhaps because of reasons meantioned by namarle) is this:

    Sure, he’s been okay with the girl not putting out, but, what is he doing on the side? Maybe there’s a serious attractiveness disparity that makes her a little more worth waiting for on his end. Maybe he’s just enamored with her. Whatever, the whole story isn’t out in the open.

    And, for the record, kope187 isn’t necessarily wrong; it’s just that some guys are a lot more out in the open about their intentions. Also, a lot of girls aren’t completely honest with themselves in regards to their relationships with their girlfriends. Why are their guy friends (quote unquote) any different?

  8. sauer kraut says:
    Thu, 3rd Dec 200910:21 am 

    The best friends are the ones who accept you for who you are, without trying to get the stick in on benefits.

  9. Dan says:
    Sat, 5th Dec 20095:04 am 

    Leigha’s on the money – if you’re friends – really – then he’s not just in it for the sex. Friends should care for each other, and more importantly for this situation, friends should be honest with one another. Friends with benefits only works if it’s mutual, so if you’re not comfortable having sex with a guy who’s not your boyfriend, talk to him about it. Yeah, it can get tricky, complicated, awkward. That’s what happens when you deal with things.

    Kope, your complete lack of charm nearly ruins your point. Unfortunate, because at its core it’s mostly true. Guys don’t divide between friends and partners as much as girls do, so we’ll tend to like you and want you, or not at all. That said, for several months I provided benefits to a friend, who did likewise. Later on she settled down, but we certainly had a good time. Still see her on weekends. Proof? You decide.

  10. Bret says:
    Mon, 7th Dec 20091:21 am 

    As a Dude, I have to say that of course he wants to have sex with you. That’s why he is hanging around and texting you. Beyond that, it sounds like he cares about you and is reasonably thoughful.

    So, why don’t you skip all of the drama and speculation and have the “how do you feel about me?” talk. He will probably be totally relieved to finally tell you how he feels about you. And, if he is just looking for some benefits, that will be obvious as well.

  11. Elen says:
    Thu, 17th Dec 200910:01 pm 

    I am a 36yr.old female and my male friend is 23. He started flirting with me at work, gave me his number and I texted him. We communicated outside of work for about a month in a half and flirted alot at work. He is spiritual, plays for various churches and spends alot of free time at church. He inquired about my religion and we discussed religon and still flirted at work. He let me know he wanted to sex me. I suggested that we should go out sometime.We did and had sex once. He then cut me off and I didn’t speak to him at work for a while.
    He tried to be my friend and i gave him a hard time. But made the biggest mistake by confiding in who I thought was my friend because she was very personal with me. She told a mutual of ours, who apparently was screwing him. He confronted me and I lied and he didn’t speak to me at all for 6 weeks. One day while we were both on our breaks , I had to ask him about our homegirl. He informed me of her whereabouts and we got off he hosed down my car and me then told me he missed me..
    We became friends again, getting closer but not sexual. I had an emergency situation and called on him to take a long roadtrip with me. He didn’t hesitate at all and called out from work. We had a ball on our trip,I met his close homeboy we all hung out, he even drove back with us. My friend and I had sex alot on the excursion he told me the truth why he cut me off because he was messing around with a girl I am still cool with and another worker at our job. He said it was too much for him. He asked why I lied because my feelings were because I liked him and I sensed he was messing around with the girl who was married.
    I left the job and he stayed in touch.We have been kicking it, hanging out and he has me going back to church for three months now with him every Sunday. My kids ask about him often and he and my son communicate regularly. He was there for us when my daughter ill for weeks. We have gotten closer emtionally and we often tell each other I Love U. He openly tells me personal things checks in daily and is more touchy and playful then before.He said I would know if he had a girl,and he faithful, because he doesn’t hold his toungue at all. I challanged him about being a player, he said that was then and he got caught up and he never wanted to do that again. He asks me alot of personal past relationship questions, even if i was ever married then told me i need to. He said he wants to someday. Then told me he needs a wife. WTF?
    Holla Back, Confused

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