It’s All Fun and Games Until You Live Together

"I'm smiling but if she doesn't take out the garbage soon I'm going to punch her in the face."

Did you ever wake up, peer out groggily from under the sheets at your roommate who is still passed out in her bed across the room, and wonder why the eff you two are living together? Sure, it seemed like a good idea last year when you perused flea markets for cheap futons together. It even seemed to still make sense just a month ago when you were first getting used to each others’ loveable quirks. But then one day, it just hits you, like a shot of tequila.

Who is this girl that you thought you knew?
Why does she do that weird sh*t all the time?
Most importantly, how are you going to survive the year without completely snapping and throwing a beer can at her head?

I really hope none of you are going through this, but if you are, I can relate. As I type this, I am being serenaded by Lauren, my cute-as-a-teacup friend and roommate. I’m not sure what song it is, but I’m fairly certain it’s from the musical, Rent (I loathe musicals). She has a lovely voice, and who doesn’t enjoy the occasional serenade, right? Well, it happens to me probably three to five times a day on average, and it’s ALWAYS when I’m trying to actually accomplish something school-related. I don’t know why she can’t sing at me when I’m procrastinating, painting my nails, watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia online, or just sitting around, which, realistically, is 75% of the time. Why is it always when I’m busy?

Even worse, often accompanied by the song is a brief dance number. Again, I like watching a dance performance as much as the next person, but when it’s a one-on-one situation – and considering I am not a horny guy in a strip club that recently turned 18 – it just makes me really uncomfortable. Should I laugh? Does she expect me to get up and join? Am I supposed to make eye contact? I usually react by giving a quick giggle, waving my arms above my head slightly, and then returning to whatever I was in the process of doing (usually online Spanish homework).

Is this proper etiquette for receiving a song and dance from one’s roommate? I wish I knew.

While most people find her frequent song-singing to be an endearing quirk, an “Oh, that Lauren!” type of thing, they don’t have to live with the human variety show. It’s a vastly different experience and no one seems to understand. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are things about me that Lauren doesn’t like. I’m certainly not the greatest roommate to ever inhabit Panther Hall and I’m sure I do plenty to piss her off. Does it bug her when I leave half-empty water bottles strewn about the living room? When I burn my popcorn to a crisp on purpose (I just like the way it tastes, ok!?)?

Is her daily lap-dance and evil form of revenge?

If I’ve learned anything so far this year it is not some complicated formula in my 11am Stats lecture, but the fact that living with a friend changes everything. You learn way more about that person than you ever thought possible and it is those little things (like their intense devotion to all things Broadway) that make you want to pack your things and move back into that 9X5 single in the dorms. But what do you do? Call them out on it (“Stop. With. The. MUSICALS!”) and risk a fight, or just let it go?

Can friendships survive the close quarters?
Is there a safe way to approach this?
Will I make it out of here alive?
Can anybody help me?!