Want Some Placenta On Your Face?

Mmm. Afterbirth...

I’m all for living an organic lifestyle. There’s simply no reason not to. But I draw the line at smearing birthing excrement on my face.

Gross, I know, but Hollywood is telling me that the new fountain of youth comes from the very beginning of youth itself.  So alert the media: the new craze for the beauty-obsessed is placenta facials.

Just to make sure we’re all clear, placenta is a temporary organ joining the mother and fetus. It transfers oxygen and nutrients from the mother to the fetus, and permits the release of carbon dioxide and waste products from the fetus. But don’t worry, the facial itself is “ordinary-smelling.” Phew, because I smelling like afterbirth and fetal waste is the real problem here.

Although it may be vile, placenta is rich in proteins and zinc, so it can’t be discredited just because it came out of someone’s birth canal.  And it’s not like weirder things haven’t happened.

I blame Victoria Beckham. She told the world she was rubbing bird poop on her face and the next thing you know people are scraping fresh droppings off their windshields and saving it for a nighttime facial treatment. I believe this was at the same time people were using bull’s semen as a leave-in conditioner. That just leaves me wondering how said semen was protracted. All kinds of nasty.

Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if there is a rash of Placenta Snatchers showing up bedside at the birth of children everywhere, led by none other than Joan Rivers. Protect your placenta, new mothers.

Oh, the things people will do for beauty.