What Can Your Computer Do For You?

By Brittany

True Life: I’m completely dependent on my computer. It’s my life source, as sad as that sounds. But honestly, it can do EVERYTHING. And when I say everything, I mean it. I bet you didn’t know the extent of your computer’s power. With one simple USB port, the world is your oyster.

Heated gloves:  It’s 3:30 a.m. in the basement of the library, you’re studying for your last exam before winter break and there’s a draft blowing past you. You’ve already donned your collegiate Snuggie, but that isn’t enough.  As you ferociously type away on your computer, your hands are frozen to the point of no return. What can you do? Plug in a pair of handy-dandy heated gloves to your USB port. Your computer heats the gloves and you can finish the rest of your English 101 term paper in peace.

Lava Lamp/Disco Ball: Sometimes when the mood is right and you’re feeling frisky, you get that urge to plug in your lava lamp or disco ball and start an impromptu dance party in your dorm room. But of course, all of the outlets in your room are already occupied; anymore and the R.A. is going to fine you for a fire hazard. No worries, a USB disco ball has solved your problems and you are once again the Lord of the Dance.

Coffee Maker: With a USB-powered coffee pot you’ll save yourself the $1.3 million you spend yearly at Starbucks. It’s a time-saver and really just convenient. And if you need extra beer money for the weekend, bring it to the library with you and start selling cups of brain juice from your cubicle. A win/win!

Eye Massager: Say what?? What the eff is an eye massager? A medieval torture device most likely. But, if you think about it, there may be something here. Long hours of staring at a blank Word document can make ones’ eyes grow weary, especially for contact-wearers. The glow of your computer screen can put a strain on your eyes. And if I can plug in a USB-powered eye massager, why not? Just be sure not to use this device under the influence. I do not predict good things.

Missile Launcher: Because everyone gets a little stir-crazy from time to time. Plus, I think a small-scale rocket launch attack on the hottie sitting next to you could be a great ice-breaker. Who doesn’t love a flirtatious missile to the head? Great story to tell the grand-kids.

Vibrators: Now you can charge up the ol’ Rabbit on the go. Whether you’re in class, the library, the local Starbucks, you can be sure your vibrator will be ready for you. I’m actually not really sure what a USB-powered vibrator is good for, but it sure is comical. “Sorry, Professor. Don’t mind me. Just charging up for later!”