Cosmo Says The Darndest Things: December Edition

So, I know this month’s Cosmo Says is fashionably late (blame it on a premature reaction to Tryptophan), but it’s here now. And you should be happy because not only was the December issue chock full of goodies, but now you have something to distract you while your little cousins run around your house screaming and you attempt to digest that 3lbs of stuffing you just inhaled.

There was an equally awesome/puzzling interview with Fergie (she looks great, poses in yoga moves and has dachshunds). The gift guide contained about 70% of my Christmas list (srsly, check out the Smashbox brushes on p. 100). There were tons of adorable mini skirts, and a ridiculous article where two guys keep diaries for 10 days about everything that goes through their minds. Spoiler alert: These guys think about sex a lot. These guys also happen to write exactly like Cosmo staffers. Hmm…

The crown jewel of the entire issue, though, had to be “Hidden Secrets His Hug Reveals.” Apparently, a hug can mean more than “not just a handshake, not quite a kiss.” Enjoy what Cosmo has to say about:

The Sneak Attack

Cosmo says: If he encircles you from behind, he’s totes “blanketing your body” with his love. Unless he does it all the time—then he’s too much of a pansy to hug you from the front.

Kari says: He better have highly recognizable cologne, because if an unknown dude suddenly wraps his arms around my chest, he’s getting a sample of that self-defense course my sorority held. Other than that, IDK about this “sense of oneness” that you’re going on about, Cosmo. I normally equate those three little words with meaningful eye contact and slow dancing non-ironically to “Forever young”…

The Rub

Cosmo Says: “You can’t see your back,” so rubbing it means he wants to nurture and protect you. Also, rubbing is sexual! So don’t be alarmed if he tries to get frisky. Or, he’s just doing it because he’s sad, can’t verbalize it, and wants you to rub his back (Awww).

Kari Says: Actually, I can see my back, thanks to strategically placed mirrors I use to straighten this one crazy piece of hair at the back of my head… Anyways, whenever I get a back rub, it’s usually because I explicitly asked for it, but my second assumption would definitely be horniness. And I’m not sure how to differentiate between the varieties of back rubbing (counterclockwise if he’s horny? Above the 5^th vertebrae if he’s nurturing), but for future reference, I’ll try to make sure he doesn’t look sad while he’s doing it.

The Pat

Cosmo Says: A) he’s not into you B) he’s mad at you or C) he’s encouraging you. Or maybe D) he just isn’t into PDA or E) he’s on his iPhone.

Kari Says: Thanks, Cosmo for narrowing that one down. If I was left to my own devices I probably would have thought for days about what his “pat” meant. In all seriousness though, the only semblance of rationality I can take away from this analysis is that if you don’t know him that well, pat = bad. If he’s your 5 star chick (or whatever the male equivalent of that is) pat = neutral…or ADD.

The Waist Wrap

Cosmo Says: No surprise here! Homeboy wants to knock boots. Pronto. Oh, and if he touches his forehead to yours, he wants to “merge his thoughts with yours.” Keeper!

Kari Says: If a guy casually hugs you around the waist (as most men do, considering they’re probably taller than you), count to ten before you whip out the condoms. If there is any hip gyration involved in the hug, then yes, Cosmo, you are right on track.

Alright ladies, what’s your fave hugging style? Do you think that guys go home after Beat the Clock and intently discuss their elbow placement during your embrace? Yea, me neither…