Comments on: Single. And Getting Dragged Back In

By: santorinihippie13

santorinihippie13 — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 15:10:44 +0000

Look you can only be friends with a guy if:

1. You are no longer physically attracted to him

2. You are no longer romantically attracted to him

3. You would not be jealous if he dated someone else

If you say that all of those things are true, then I would go in cautiously. Otherwise, steer clear! You're only setting yourself up to be hurt again.

By: foxjacket

foxjacket — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 13:34:35 +0000

Emmy: The relationship you had with him sounded great. Then it abruptly ended. You moved on, seemed to heal, seemed to get on with your life. Then he contacts you, says he wants to be friends. All those emotions come rushing back, and despite that, you DO want him in his life. So, how do you do this while still making sure you’re not stepping into a landmine?

I think, first, don’t assume things can go back to how great they used to be. You’re different people now. You would basically have to re-establish a friendship, which is tricky because of the history you have together. The key word here is boundaries. What do you want? Maybe you can meet for lunch once in a while or something. But don’t let things get too close too fast. Go into this wanting a friendship, and remove the possibility of a relationship completely. The tricky part is to not let old habits take over; you have to form new ones together, which takes effort.

But maybe you need more time before you can be friends with him. I’m kind of weary of his motives. He says he wants to be friends, and _maybe more_. His intentions have to be totally, totally above board and it doesn’t sound like they are. Maybe it’s best for now to leave things be, and in a couple of years, just call him to see how he’s doing, with no expectations for anything. I remember Dan Savage saying that you need at least 18 months to cauterize all the wounds from a breakup. Then you’re able to meet up again as friends, with no underlying intent for “maybe more”, and be genuinely happy for each other’s relationship status (whether it be single or attached), and have NO interest whatsoever to get back together. I hope you can get to that healthy state!

Krystine: Well, a couple of weeks have passed since you broke up, but it sounds like you need some time to heal from the break up, like a couple of months. Then when you’re ready, you can have a discussion about how you feel: you want to be friends, you were best friends, and you want that, but you KNOW you can’t get back together because it won’t work for whatever reason. And just let him think about that for a bit. And then discuss how your friendship will look like, to prevent yourselves from falling into old patterns. Again, doing so takes effort.

By: Lessa

Lessa — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 19:17:20 +0000

i'm in this situation, right now. i'm trying to be friends and talk to him, because i know that having him in my life is something that would be nice, even if it isn't romantic. i've started to be interested in other guys, and the love i had for the ex boyfriend is gone. But i also know that its dangerous territory because those feelings could rush right back if we have a heart-to-heart moment. I just have to constantly remind myself that they are feelings based on comfort and security, and that we have both changed as people so if there was a relationship again, it wouldn't be the same one, or the same type of one, and things would need to be different. I dont like thinking that i would want to be with him one day, but i'm not ruling it out. I just have little reminders to myself to let myself know that i shouldn't let things get out of hand. But keep in mind there is nothing wrong with talking occasionally. The problem is after you stay up till 3am on the phone and he still "just wants to be friends". Proceed with caution, but don't rule it out yet.

By: Elizabeth

Elizabeth — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 00:27:47 +0000

I dated someone for a year and a half. He dumped me. I lost 20 pounds, I lost months of my life laying in my bed watching Grey's Anatomy because nothing about my life seemed worth getting up for.

He also wanted to be friends and I thought I could. You and I both know that you don't want to be friends. Friends support each others relationships, is that what you want? My ex and I were "friends" for almost two months and in my mind I thought I was winning him back. Until I found out he had been talking to someone for the last month of our "friendship" and then one day I woke up and he had moved on (had a new girlfriend which he wanted to tell me all about) and I was still stuck as his "friend." The whole tieme I had been analyzing every text, every move he made, he was using me as a filler, until he found someone else. Guys aren't hard, if he wanted you back he'd work for it. Don't make my mistake. I look back and see that I could have easily walked away, and now, one year later, I could have been the one in the healthy relationship, but I'm not because I let him drag me around and spent so much time dwelling in the past that I never stepped forward.

"The past is gone and the future never gets here."

By: Danny

Danny — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 04:03:29 +0000

If you're making a genuine, legitimate effort to ask for advice; advice which you will, at the very least, heed, if not follow whole-heartedly, then my advice to you is to call him back, and, with no malicious intent whatsoever (and you can even go so far as to say so) inform your ex that you do not want to have anything to do with him. Even toss out a, "Perhaps that will change in the future, but, until I let you know otherwise, it hasn't changed, so please, do not contact me in any way again. Thank you, and I'm sorry."

This very clearly states your position, and lets you know one very important thing:

Where you stand with him.

If, after your request, he continues to attempt to contact you, then he obviously does not put your simple wishes above his own and is only attempting to get back in touch with you to fill his needs; be they physical, emotional, psychological, or whatever.

If you have truly set the past aside, then what I am suggesting should not be difficult. He has to be completely released into the wild, with no contact from either of you. Then, if, down the road, you happen into him again, and are a different; wiser, person, then perhaps you can give it a second shot…

…but my advice is to contact him in the manner described above, then avoid him, and a relationship of any sort with him, forever.

Good luck.

By: Kimberly

Kimberly — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 02:22:56 +0000

I'm in the same situation. I was in a relationship for two and a half years, a year of it "unofficial" (we go to school six hours apart and he felt it wasn't worth it). He wants me back in his life, and I saw him this past week for the holidays and I realized I'm not ready to be close. I can't get hurt again like I did.

What I'm saying is only do it if you are over him and take baby steps like only talk to him every once in a while so you can see where you're really at and if you're ready to be friends.

By: samantha

samantha — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 01:15:46 +0000

be very, very careful. i was in the same exact situation as you, probably on a lower scale though. we didn't go out for as long, and your relationship with your ex seemed deeper, but we still liked each other a lot and had a good relationship when it was good between us. when we broke up, i was heartbroken, couldn't eat for awhile, had to rediscover my life and get myself back on track, which took a couple months and was unbelievably difficult for me. i thought about him every day when i woke up and before i slept and i cried every day for a long time after we broke up. eventually, time heals everything though and i was able to get over him and we became friends. i still had feelings for him, but they started diminishing bit by bit as time passed. i really wanted to be good friends with him, so i worked hard to focus on that. it worked out for awhile, and i was genuinely happy when he'd tell me about girls he was interested in or new things in his life…out of the blue though, he kissed me one day and started telling me he had all these feelings for me etc and ALL that hard work i did trying to get over him diminished and all my feelings for him came back. he is a great guy, but eventually he did the same thing again. said he couldn't handle a relationship with me, even though he strung me along for the SECOND time. i was livid, and still am. i wish to be his friend again sometime in the future, but now i know for sure never ever ever to fall into such a trap again. so my advice to you is to be sure about your intentions before talking to him or getting close to him again…and know that even if you make a solid decision, it's still subject to a lot of risk. good luck.

By: krystine

krystine — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 19:08:15 +0000

I have class with him though! And it's a class that's only offered once a year. How do I make this work?

By: Candice

Candice — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 17:20:01 +0000

DO NOT DO IT.

My ex and I were together for 5 years and the breakup was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. We have been broken up for almost two years and I'm STILL dealing in the back and forth with him. It's making it extremely hard to get on with my life. I have cut him out so many times and he's come crawling back wanting to be friends or more saying he misses me and I let him back in. Then comes the pain.

It will NEVER be what it was before. You will never have the same relationship. It could be better or it could be worse but it will never be the same.

Please take it from me, I'm there right now and have been for almost two years. Think long and hard before you get back in touch with him. I honestly wish I had.

By: Candie

Candie — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 16:01:50 +0000

Don't do it, girl! You're stronger than that.