Sexy Time: Monogamy Schmonogamy

Ann says:
Thu, 3rd Dec 20095:19 am 

I really don't understand why people do this. You should just recognized your relationship for what it is, over. Stop being co-dependent, and let him go so you can finally be open to a new man that you won't need to let sleep around in order to keep him.

Marisa says:
Thu, 3rd Dec 20095:36 am 

I've read a few articles about open relationships/open marriages recently, and I am amazed that people are able to do it. I couldn't imagine sharing my current boyfriend with anyone, nor could he imagine sharing me. However, we're fortunate enough to live in the same city, the same apartment, in fact. However, I realize how difficult it is to have a long distance relationship. When I was 17, I met someone who was on vacation who lived in another state, and we started talking on the phone everyday. Three months later, he told me he loved me, but that he was seeing someone else at the same time. Although I was crushed, we weren't in any type of relationship, didn't have the means to see each other often (I was in Hawaii, he was in California), or have any plans to move close to each other. This is the way it had to be. So I started seeing other people, but none were as serious as his relationship. Long story short, he ended up breaking up with gf (6-8 months later) and we tried to maintain a long-distance relationship which eventually ended really badly. After this, I vowed to NEVER have an open relationship/long-distance relationship again. There was way too much jealousy and hurt during it and even when we were supposed to be exclusive. Even if you two make it through an open relationship and eventually end up together in the same place, it may be hard to repair the damage that can come from being with other people. I've also read that in many open relationships, it's only one person that actually ends up acting on the freedom they have to be with other people, so your boyfriend's jealousy if you have others and he doesn't or you alone with ben&jerry's while he's with others on Friday night is quite possible. Just be very careful, because it most likely will be a lot harder than being lonely.

Bunchkins says:
Thu, 3rd Dec 20097:41 am 

I love that in your ideal world/real world scenarios, it's always the guy who will leave you, break your heart, meet someone, etc. Couldn't it be just as likely that you will meet someone?

It seems like you're trying to paint a picture in which he's who really brought up the open relationship idea; did you have any say in this? Is it something you might want? You need to really consider your own stance, and not let some man tell you what's what.

Jen says:
Thu, 3rd Dec 20099:28 am 

I think your last example proves that jealousy is complicated and you might be more subject to it than you think. Talk it out with him when your in person is my advice. Just don’t be surprised if it breaks up your relationship.

Kelly - Simmons Coll says:
Thu, 3rd Dec 20099:31 am 

Bunchkins- I wrote it from my perspective, so my "real world" fears are about him hurting me. If I ended up meeting my soul mate (who lives in Boston) and had to dump him… still ideal world! Well, you know what I mean.

Polyred- I agree with everything you said, my main worry is that I'm just not strong enough to handle the jealousy. Plus, if he did meet someone else he wanted to pursue a relationship with, having the power to tell him not to see her wouldn't fix it (me telling him he can't doesn't change how he actually feels about her or me). I think if one of us really did end up wanting to pursue another relationship, it would show that our relationship wasn't that strong to begin with. BUT I'm not sure I'm ready to risk finding that out just yet.

Everyone else- thanks for all the advice and input.

Emily says:
Thu, 3rd Dec 200910:06 am 

I say end it stay in touch and if in the long run your meant to be together it will, just because you can't make it work right now doesn't mean it ever will, and often dating other people will help you grow as an individual not on half of a couple. Case and point my sister and her husband met in 8th grade, they dated all through high school and broke up when they went to different colleges. They both had serious relationships while in college, but stayed good friends. Now they're happily married. If your meant to be together these things have a way of working themselves out.

Star says:
Thu, 3rd Dec 200910:57 am 

I think an open relationship is perfectly natural to consider. Most people have the knee jerk reaction to shy away from it when actually it makes perfect sense. I had an example of this before. I really liked a guy and he liked me back, but we weren't together very often. I wanted someone to flirt with and hang out. I met a guy who was in the same situation and we had a wonderful time. We didn't sleep together, it was more of an emotional relationship but we both still had feelings for our partners (who agreed to this in the first place by the way, it wasn't cheating or anything like that).

For me it was very helpful. Of course, sex wasn't a factor at the time and yes there's always the risk that one of you finds someone else. But if you can both find someone to spend time with that's just a friends with benefits, it's a wonderful idea. Especially if the other person is already in an open relationship, then no one is lonely!

Also, people who say you're co-dependent because of this are wrong. People need love and friendship and someone to connect with whether physically or emotionally. I'm so sick of people who like to toot their own horn and claim how awesome they are because they think they can survive without other human contact. The whole "you should learn to be independent by being apart from someone" is bullsh*t.

You can be perfectly independent while in a relationship. The world is too caught up in the attitude that any minor problem is a sign to run for the hills, or that any relationship outside the normal, perfect white middle-class Christian male and female couple is wrong.

Polyred says:
Thu, 3rd Dec 200910:59 am 

Ideal World: We remain completely in love, and anyone else is just a casual fling.
WORST CASE SCENARIO: He meets a new girl and wants to pursue a relationship.
Sensible solution: It’s unlikely he’ll want to drop you within 5 minutes of meeting new girl. So before it becomes serious, you talk every step of the way, and if it looks like something too serious, you can voice your discomfort and ask him to stop, at least for the time being, and work out what’s ok with you and why it was a problem in the first place.

Ideal World: We are able to have casual sex with other people without any repercussions to our relationship.
WORST CASE SCENARIO: One of us can’t handle the jealousy and it’s too late (and we’re too far away) to fix it.
Sensible solution: see above.

Ideal World: There are no STDs!
WORST CASE SCENARIO: He picks up gonorrhea from one of his ladies and gives it to me the next time we’re together.
Sensible solution: you make absolutely sure you both play SAFE. Seriously. That shit is important. And get tested regularly, and establish boundaries not to cross (for you to determine).

Ideal World: Our families don’t find out, or are incredibly open-minded and support our decision.
WORST CASE SCENARIO: His mom will forever think of me as “that ho who was sleeping around on her son.”
Sensible solution: Don’t tell your families if you’re not comfortable with that. I can’t think of any way this particular info would come up in casual conversation with his family.

Ideal World: I meet tons of boys, but he’s too busy with work to meet any girls.
WORST CASE SCENARIO: He’s on dates every Friday night while I’m at home making love to Ben and Jerry.
Sensible solution: see first solution.

My conclusion: Open relationships probably require more “work” than monogamous ones, seeing as you always have to TALK about things. Every thing. Every time.

And it can be scary to be faced with new feelings, to confront jealousy, and/or frustrating if you have to take it slow for the sake of the other although you’re fine with it.

But it can also be very much what you need. It can be a blast, with a world suddenly so full of new exciting possibilities.

Only thing really important, is that you talk about it a lot and make sure you’re on the same page every step of the way. And be prepared to respect your boyfriend’s wishes and comfort level, and have faith he’ll do the same for you.

Me? I couldn’t go back to monogamy…

Star says:
Thu, 3rd Dec 200911:01 am 

Also, if you and your dude can be happy like this then why in the world should you break up with him and be miserable? If you do realize you can deal with an open relationship, it will only make you both stronger whether you stay together or not. Personally, I would choose being happy over breaking up and being miserable and alone. Break ups do happen and I'm not saying to do this just to avoid being alone, but if it actually makes you happy then by all means go for it!

sauer kraut says:
Thu, 3rd Dec 200912:17 pm 

Open relationships are for people who are either afraid/unable/unwilling to commit themselves to another person, are nihilists, or both.

Nessa says:
Thu, 3rd Dec 200912:51 pm 

Makes sense, do whatever makes you feel comfortable and yes you'll have to talk about it A LOT with your main squeeze

but OMG I laughed for like 10 minutes straight when you said he'd be out on dates and you'd be making love to ben and jerry!!!! =D

Maggie says:
Thu, 3rd Dec 200912:52 pm 

I'm in a long-distance relationship & know many people who are in one too, so I understand how sucky it can be sometimes. If BOTH of you really feel comfortable with having an open relationship & have talked it over thoroughly & decided that it's the best option, then go ahead and do it.

However, if this guy is someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with (or at least the next few years of your life with), then you owe it to the both of you to try to make the relationship work without getting involved with other people. This is just my opinion, but I think that having an open relationship now would raise problems later down the road, unless you guys are super comfortable with the idea of your significant other sharing intimate emotional & physical moments with other people.

Also, I think that having a plan for the next few years (i.e. agree on moving to the same city after college) & for every day (when to call/webcam) would help ease the shittiness that is the LDR. Also, if you want more orgasms, I'd recommend a really good vibrator/dildo (& a body pillow to cuddle up with). I know these aren't the most attractive options ever…but they'll help a little if you really want to make the relationship work.

Erich says:
Thu, 3rd Dec 20091:54 pm 

OK, I wasn't going to say anything at first, but seriously you need your haed examined.

I know we are all different but you asked for our opinions so you have to take the good with the bad.

First– IMO I think you're completley off your rocker to suggest that you should sleep with someones else cause you live 3000+ mi from your man. So by your thinking we can come to the conclusion that it would be OK for all the deployed soldiers wives to cheat. Correct? I mean whats the differnce, your man is fighting for a future with you and the soldiers are fighting for you to think about yourself first and not your man. I got an idea, how bout the soldiers just think of themselves and not worry about our freedoms only thier own. You're prob thiking that this is a little different, but its not, its just on a bigger scale. If everyone thought the way you did then we'd be more fucked than we already are. You want instant gratification or better yet you want to have your cake and eat it too.

I think you need to step back and look at this from a diff perspective.

Lets say for instance you and your man decide to have this open relationship now and in a few yrs get married, so one day he starts sleeping with his secretary? Now what? You and he had an open relationship, you mean to tell me that would be OK?

Someone once told me women are like monkeys, they hold onto the vine until they find a new one. To me this is exaclty what you are doing.

I think if you respect him then the best thing would be to break it off and go your seperate ways and hey who knows maybe down the line when you are ready for a serious relationship he will be there.

Kelly - Simmons Coll says:
Thu, 3rd Dec 20094:07 pm 

Star & Maggie- thanks for the helpful comments. You both offered awesome insight.

Erich- A mutually agreed upon open relationship is different then cheating behind someone's back.

For Everyone:

I think it's important for people to realize that just because monogamy may be our cultural standard, it is not always the type of relationship that makes people happiest. Being in a non-monogamous relationship doesn't make you a bad person, just like being in a homosexual relationship, friends-with-benefits relationship, cohabitating before marriage, or any romantic situation outside our cultural norm doesn't make you a bad person. Please respect that people have different preferences and make different choices about their lives.

mer says:
Thu, 3rd Dec 20097:41 pm 

I say…. different area codes = not cheating

if you both agree on it… no problem… i know people in marriages who have kept it an open marriage… (mainly because they were bi and really big horn balls…. but hey)

I say there is a lot of fish in the sea…. but just in case the one you caught isnt the best out there…. that's why you bring extra fish hooks

Erich says:
Fri, 4th Dec 20096:01 am 

@ Kelly that maybe so, I was simply making an example. And whether or not you agree isnt the point. The point I am making is that you want your cake and eat it too. Whats the point of being with someone if you're gonna have sex with someone else. Not to mention you are not talking about a one time thing or a situation where you are both present. You are talking about you and he being in diff places when this takes place.

Star says:
Fri, 4th Dec 20097:42 am 

@Erich:

I think that people are taught that love conquers all and if your love is strong enough you won't have feelings for other people at the same time, or you won't feel lonely when the other person's gone for a long time. This is not true.

This is the American myth of love. It has never existed and it never will. It's just like the myth of the "good old days" which never existed either. Relationships are very complicated things and no matter how much you love someone, you will never be in a relationship so perfect that you never question your love or look at someone else or wonder if it's worth it or not if for some reason the two of you have to be apart for a long time.

Also, if you think men don't hold on to bad relationships until they can find someone new then you're the one who's off their rocker. It's human nature and both men and women do it. This isn't about her wanting to find someone else. This about the TWO of the them (her and her boyfriend) finding a way to be happy and make their relationship work. If anything it means they're willing to try for each other instead of just running away.

Jon M says:
Fri, 4th Dec 20097:45 am 

I think there's a reason that open relationships are not really the cultural norm, just like 'friends with benefits' relationships are not the cultural norm. Not because anything is morally wrong with them, but because they just don't seem to work out. To quote Seinfeld, "People have been trying this since the beginning of time, what makes you think you will do any better?" (George).

Open relationships sound really, really nice. I mean really, I would say that most people, if they had the choice, would want to have them. What's not to like about being with someone you love plus testing the waters as well? Unfortunately, open relationships just don't seem to work, and that's why we *sigh* often have to make the sacrifice to just be with one other person. It just seems like human beings can't really deal with the whole multiple partner thing. You mentioned in your article that you worry he would be going on dates every night with you sitting at home… But say you both were meeting tons of other people and having great sex. Would this be a good situation? When you talked to one another, would you talk about this great guy you met? Would you be okay when he talked about this fantastic lay he had?

If you can push through something like that, that's fantastic and pretty amazing, but I've seen countless numbers of my friends get really hurt in long distance / open relationships, enough to be very cautious about the whole idea. What about a 'we're together when we're together (in place), but we're apart when we're apart.' — and that means that there can be no talking about what happens when apart!

Erich says:
Fri, 4th Dec 200911:05 am 

@ Star– I totally agree that men do hold onto bad relationships, thats not what I was implying. I was simply saying that she wants to have her cake and eat it too. And you are correct men and women watch porn, go to strip clubs etc. So I cannot argue that both dont at some point question how much they love some one. All relationships are hard work. Even the positive ones I have with my children are hard work.

Back to my point, it is my firm belief (once again IMO) if you are going to be having sex and dates (non platonic) then you should just call it off. I dont see how this could possibly work. Women and men both have jealousy issues and you can tell me till you are blue in the face that this wont eefect thier relationship down the road. But it will.

Think about the big picture, lets say for ex me and my girl decide to have an open relationship (which I would never agree to) and lets one of us didnt go on any dates, but one did and later on in life we get into an argument, do you really think that wont be brought up?

Or better yet lets say that her boyfriend meets this amazing woman and decides to leave her for the new girl. How will she handle that? Will she scream and yell at him? Will she be upset? Im sure she will be upset, but she would have no one to blame but herself, she allowed this to happen all cause she wanted instant gratification. And before you say well its just sex, no its not. People tend to get emotionally attached at some point. And then what, you are no longer sharing your emotions w said boyfriend or sex. So why should one stay.

And to be honest, I think that she doesnt respect him enough to say peace I have to do my own thing.

Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but when I am in a committed relationship, I am committed to that person and relationship. What ever happened to honor loyalty and commitment? Is this something people stopped teaching thier children?

E. says:
Fri, 4th Dec 20091:56 pm 

If you're looking at starting an open relationship while hoping that you get to sleep around and he doesn't, it seems unlikely that you won't have jealousy problems.

SB says:
Fri, 4th Dec 20092:16 pm 

Worst idea ever. Just got out of my open relationship because it was just too hard. Jealousy is way more stronger of a force than love sometimes, especially when you're scraping the bottom of the barrel. Love is the strongest emotion in my opinion, but things are blurred when you are so far from each other. I was seeing more boys than my guy was seeing girls, and it killed him to hear that I was in the position to find a new guy each weekend, and subconsciously affecting OUR relationship. Even if you get with a dozen guys who you can't remember names or faces of, you may jeopardize the possibility of having a future with the guy you truly love. Plus, let's analyze it realistically: would this be an open relationship that lasted for a short time period between you guys being physically together, or would this ideally last for the years between you being apart? An open relationship can work in certain situations, such as being in a foreign country temporarily (less than 6 months, I'd say), but if you're looking to be in an open relationship for let's say, your entire college career, will that REALLY work? You sometimes have to sacrifice your happiness NOW for the possibility of a future. If you are really meant to be with your guy, you will end up with him. But, complications of an open relationship can prevent so many things. Growth. Experiences that may ultimately make your relationship with him more healthy. Necessary change. Honestly, an open relationship is a nice way of saying, "I still love you, but I'm not willing to be with just you nor am I willing to completely be alone." Which sucks.

Good luck!

S says:
Sat, 5th Dec 20098:09 am 

has anyone thought of the "other" people? what if a girl falls in love with him and he'll have to pick between her and the long distance gf? or the other way around. seems like it can get complicated really really fast

Dirk Diggler says:
Sat, 5th Dec 20095:35 pm 

Straight up bad idea. Besides, if you both are ready to hook up with other people, doesn't sound like the relationship would last 4evah anywaz.

Star says:
Sat, 5th Dec 20096:53 pm 

Another point to consider when deciding is that your choices influence your life. There is no magical "fate" that pulls the right people together. "Fate" doesn't cause things to happen in your life, you do. Pick what makes you happy and if you two want to be together then you can make things work out with whichever choice you make. Fate has nothing to do with it because we all determine what we want and do our best to get it. I point this out because people tend to think things like "I shouldn't have to try because if this relationship is really meant to work it will work out in the end on its own." It's up to you to decide what's best and what you want to happen, then take control.

Mike says:
Mon, 7th Dec 20095:58 am 

The only "open" style relationship I was in worked out pretty well, and looking back was one of the healthier relationships I was in – in its own way. What I mean by this is that we were sometimes brutally honest with one another about what went on and there were no secrets but we never really had any fights or jealousy issues there.

I can recall much more jealousy issue fights in monogamous relationships that I was in, where I remember vicious fights over imagined trysts. Eventually via advice and pressure from friends who convinced me this lifestyle was not sustainable or healthy, I broke it off in favor of a monogamous relationship which lasted 5 years and ended in the girl cheating on me with another man (I did not stray).

I think that you just need to consider if the two of you can get along without concerning yourselves with the societal norms. I see a lot of people here saying there is no way this can work etc etc – but I doubt if many of them have been in this situation themselves and at the end of the day *any* human relationship is going to have its troubles monogamous or otherwise.

This lifestyle is a thing that is common in many european countries as well. Ignore these people who pontificate and say "This can work" or "This can't work" and figure out if this can work for you and your mate =)

I also include the blog of a local writer here who has an open marriage, in case anyone is interested.

http://blogs.creativeloafing.com/dailyloaf/rebecc…

Kate says:
Mon, 7th Dec 20099:24 am 

Don't do it. Really, really do not do it. You will end up hurting yourselves and other people, it cannot be good. Either just flat out break up and see other people, and you can date at another time if you are meant to be together or stay together and suck up long distance. Long distance is hard, but so worth it sometimes. If you work at it, it can be so exciting and rewarding. But just pick one, I have yet to see an open relationship that has worked.

Meg says:
Mon, 7th Dec 20099:33 am 

This pretty much sounds like the worst idea ever.

Buy a vibrator and get posse of gay friends to make you feel special.

Amalia says:
Mon, 7th Dec 200912:30 pm 

I think that it can work if it's with the right two people. But I think it only fair to warn you that it can also turn into a big mess. My ex is from NC and I'm from NY and this summer he was in Australia and I was in Brazil so I hear you on the long distance drama. Not only could we not see each other, we couldn't call or text either. So long story short, it can work, but make you sure you are very very clear on the set-up. Communication is key in general but especially in open-relationships. And sad as it may be, know when the negatives are outweighing the positives. Good luck! =)

Hillary says:
Mon, 7th Dec 20092:54 pm 

That last ideal world/real world was the red flag for me. My long distance boyfriend and I were somewhere between being broken up and being in an open relationship for awhile. He didn't want an open relationship, I think mostly because he thought it would be easier for me to get laid than for him. Which I turned out out to be true, mostly because of where he was working (remote area.) If one of you is getting more action than the other, it could be a major problem, so the ideal SHOULD be that you both do well. Or that you don't tell each other. (Probably the best option.)

Anyway, we're monogamous again for now. Maybe someday we can try opening it up again, but I'm not sure he'd ever really be able to handle it.

I think it can definitely work out with the right people, I have friends with successful open relationships. The killer is when one person has kind of been talked into the idea. You both need to think this is what you want, and you both will have to work hard to make it work.

And I second what someone said, that these things will work themselves out if they are meant to, no matter what you do. (Although that doesn't mean you should sit back and not go for what you want.)

JohnE says:
Wed, 9th Dec 200910:35 am 

An open relationship can work. It is extremely unlikely. I can tell you it will not work for you. If you would not consider an open relatioship if you were living in the same city it won't work if you are living apart. The issues and complications of an open relationship are many and you both need to be the kind of person that can live with them or it will be doomed to failure.

Dan says:
Thu, 10th Dec 20091:39 pm 

Some of Those Questions Guys Are Afraid To Ask Girls

http://www.precioustimeny.com/blog/?p=6997

Sarah says:
Fri, 11th Dec 20091:10 pm 

What is it with people and not being "the norm". Why is monogamy so hated on lately? Love DOES exist. Human nature revolves around love. And I am not talking about Neanderthals or animals or anything of the sort, I am so sick of people saying that in nature there is no such thing as monogamy. You know what? In nature some animals eat their freshly born children. Some animals eat poop. Does that mean we should all do that too? Love is basic but relationships are not. They take time, and work, and will. It sounds to me that you and your boyfriend are really not good for each other right now. It is possible to love someone and just not be able to be with them. That will sure as hell hurt less than the jealousy and pain you would have to go through if the open relationship thing doesn't work out. Seriously, think about what it is like to have sex with him…could you imagine another girl experiencing the same thing? Because you are going to have to think about all of these details ALL the time. Hell, she may even be better in bed than you are and then what? To me Open relationships are ridiculous. There is no such thing. Essentially open relationships are just a disguised form of dating. Have a little respect for yourself.

Kelly - Simmons Coll says:
Fri, 11th Dec 20092:30 pm 

Sarah: Trust me, no one is better in bed than I am.

Sarah says:
Sat, 12th Dec 20096:12 pm 

lol i'm glad that is all you got out of my comment.

steph says:
Sat, 12th Dec 20097:52 pm 

first off an open relationship sounds really contradictory dontcha think?? if your having a relationship with someone that means your committed to them and by being "open" doesnt give someone the right to have sexual relations with someone else. I think the best thing to do is break it off, take a break, obviously neither of you are strong or capable enough to be in a relationship that doesnt include anything sexual which is sad, cuz if you 2 were truely as in love as you state you are this wouldnt be an issue and furthermore if you two are actually as in love as you say you are, then the break will do nothing to your relationship, if its meant to be it'll happen again right? Good luck! :]

Evan says:
Sun, 13th Dec 20091:45 pm 

I'm a fan of consensual non-monogamy, and all those who say "it just can't work" are simply ignoring the countless examples where it does work. No different from claiming that gay couples are all doomed – it is simply confirmation bias.

My concern, however, is that non-monogamy requires a foundation of absolute, 100% trust in each other, both ways, no exceptions. It is not a solution to distant horniness, because it requires constant communication and complete openness – two things I think would be difficult to achieve at such a distance. Moreover, non-monogamy is not a solution to relationship problems; rather it requires a relationship that is on rock-solid footing to begin with.

Long distance relationships are hard enough, and harder yet during college when you're basically living in a meat-market – I don't know any couples who survived through college. I would seriously consider cutting him – and yourself – loose.

That said, every relationship is different, and you have to make these decisions, and learn the lessons, for yourself. If you can, get some of the many great books on open relationships, and read them with your boyfriend. They'll give better advice than a bunch of strangers on the internet.

Patty says:
Sun, 13th Dec 20097:33 pm 

If you really want to make it work, transfer colleges. Or just deal with what is going on. Open relationship is NOT going to work, and I think you proved it to your self by listing these things. Because we do live in the REAL world.

Milly says:
Mon, 14th Dec 200912:23 pm 

Open relationships are great, but I honestly don’t think they’re the solution for your problem. They require a lot of trust from both parts and lots of talking too. They also require lots of time together, which would be difficult for you since you’re in a long-distance relationship.

I’m in a open relationship right now and it’s working better than all the monogamous ones I ever had before, but we spend time together almost everyday and are totally OK to talk about anything to each other, especially the other people we hook up with. We’re cool with the whole ‘seeing other people’ thing because we agree that it’s perfectly healthy to Love more than one person and know that hooking up with another person you like Will not lessen our Love for each other.

However, (and please, do correct me If I’m wrong) I get the feeling you’re doing this out of loneliness. You guys miss each other and since you live apart you’re thinking about ‘seeking comnfort’ with other people. Personally I think it would only bring you even more apart, but if you can’t find anything else to save your relationship maybe you should give it a try, just for a while and see if it works. Just think about WHY you’re considering doing this in the first place.

toddyenglish says:
Sat, 26th Dec 20098:29 am 

My advice?

I think you should put the kabosh (sp?) on this relationship. Your main issue isn't polyamory (open relationships)and jealousy…This is about not being able to make a long distance relationship work, bottom line.

The fact that you are using an open relationship to fulfill your physical needs is an indicator that the LDR is not working.

Sweetie, call it what it is…Over.

Matt says:
Sun, 27th Dec 20096:29 am 

These types of arrangements work best if you DON'T talk about them with each other.

Either break up or find a way to love him, even though you know he's laying pipe all over town lol.

Trust me. You'll be a lot happier with what you don't know!

Doug says:
Tue, 29th Dec 200910:51 am 

Open relationships can work, especially as a temporary thing during a long distance work/school created separation, but they only do for a real minority of people.

For relatively brief separations of no more than a year continued monogamy with temporary celibacy is probably least risky to the relationship. However the danger of undetected cheating is great. If undetected I think the danger of the relationship ending as a result of the girl cheating is much greater — because for most women, if she does find another regular sex partner who really does it for her, the chances of her feelings of bondedness and love for her new man, and consequently much less for her old one (which happens way more often in women than men with regular good sex and companionship) are great. Sure the guy could have the same thing happen but at the end of the day he's likely to make a rational choice of which women he prefers overall, all in, with feels of loyalty to the one he'd promised it to giving her a real edge. (Now if the original relationship had real problems and really he was out of the first girls league pretty much, the risk goes way up for the girl.) So celabacy brings a big risk of cheating, which is likely more damaging to the relationship than openness is, because of the breach of trust issues. Girls are much more likely to blame their cheating on deep problems in the relationship that they've just fully realized after the cheating fact as well, as a mechanism for not blaming themselves. Guys are used to blaming themselves for cheating; that the should and must is constantly hammered into guys' heads in our entertainment media culture but not into girls heads, where it was probably something wrong with the relationship because supposedly girls are far less inclined towards cheating. That dichotomy may be fading in college age etc. but only gradually.

Another solution is to officially break up, but remain best and genuinely in touch friends with benefits when you can visit each other, with a promise to give restarting the relationship a chance when you would be able to live in the same area.

Doug says:
Tue, 29th Dec 20095:45 pm 

PS The woman in this header pic is in her late 30s.

So why did you pick her? Totally inappropriate.

Jasmine says:
Tue, 29th Dec 20097:02 pm 

Seriously! What is the point of being in a relationship if you're going to be with other people?? There is no point. If you guys are not able to stay true to each other, even if it is a long distance relationship, maybe you two shouldn't be together? True couples share everything with each other, and you can't be totally comfy with each other if you hooked up with some guy last night and are still thinking about it! There is no such thing as no commitment when you have sex with someone. EVERYONE gets jealous, no matter who. If they don't get jealous or hurt, they probably don't care about you as much as you would like to think. Open relationships are bullshit!! Either stick together or don't, if you can't handle it!!

Tan says:
Thu, 7th Jan 201011:52 am 

Some people are better equipped to handle different types of relationships. Just because it doesn't normally work out for most doesn't mean that it just won't work. Otherwise, there really would be no such thing as an open relationship. There have been instances of higly successful open relationships, they just aren't very, pardon the pun "open" in society. Just like it's very rare that the majority of people actually start using archaic techniques and methods. There is an unlimited amount of ideas and desires that people have, which means that everyone's points of views and opinions should be tolerated at the very least.To each his own is what should be said here, instead of saying you've lost your damn mind.

been there says:
Sat, 13th Feb 20106:10 pm 

Speaking as someone who has (unfortunately) endured endless long distance relationships I think that while you are thinking through your situation you have neglected to consider the other people you would be involving…If you're willing to consider hooking up with other people then I think that your relationship with the boyfriend might not be as strong as you think it is, and that the distance may have finally won out. Think about it; how would it make you feel to think of your boy out on a date with/kissing/having sex with another girl…If you're really ok with that then maybe you and the boy don't have much of a relationship left. You can't stop him from meeting a new girl and wanting to pursue a relationship…and what about that new girl…what if SHE wants a relationship…its not fair not to consider the other people you're adding in to the mix. I am not trying to burst your bubble but i think that an open relationship will only lead to a long and messy breakup later on…maybe you should consider taking a break to figure out if you really want to try and make the distance work before you both run around and try hooking up with others to make up for lost time.

Michael Australia says:
Sat, 27th Feb 20101:09 am 

simple

Have a monogamous relationship

Have an open relationship

Do what you want meh to anyone else's view. Choose either that is right for you and your partner.

So very very simple.

Oh and don't go writing on the Internet for advice like this as you can see the prissy sex police or the perverts fight endlessly over which is better when the truth is it's up to you, your partner and not 6 billion internet users.