The Best Invention of The Century: Alcohol Pills

December 3, 2009     Posted in Cool Stuff

Are the red ones Smirnoff?

One life lesson I have learned all too well in my time as a college student is that everything is more enjoyable with a buzz-on. Not just parties and movie nights in the dorm, but class lectures, dates, exams, family reunions…you get the picture. It’s much easier to tolerate old Aunt Ida when she’s spinning a little bit.


By Brianna

But sadly, living buzzed cannot be a constant in my lifestyle, as it leaves me struggling to keep off the freshman 15 (which is really inexcusable since I am a senior). That was until some geniuses invented the best thing to ever happen to humanity: alcohol pills.

Can I get a What What!?

That’s right. Russian scientists have developed a process of changing alcohol into powder, which then gives you the ability to eat it, snort it, or put it in pill form. Now, while you wont find me huffing vodka anytime soon, I do think this pill idea has a nice ring to it.

Not only will I be able to stop fasting all week in preparation of my Friday night binge drinking fest, but I can also spare myself the pain of chugging watered down beer and shots that taste like rubbing alcohol. I’ll also add an extra 2 hours worth of beer pong, table dancing and ridiculous photo shoots to my night with not having to visit the bathroom every 20 minutes or stand in line at the bar every time I need a refill. And I can set up my pre-party playlist without fear of ruining my laptop when drunkenly I spill my pills all over it!

It’s like a dream come true!

The only thing that would make this better is if those same Russians could figure out a way to get a Jimmy John’s Beach Club into pill form so I didn’t have to wait in that line at 2 a.m. on my way home. But until that happens, I’ll totally take a 12 pack of Bacardi pills. Just wash one down (or make it a double) and I’ll have the smoothest Rum and Diet ever.

20 Comments on "The Best Invention of The Century: Alcohol Pills"

  1. Brittney says:
    Thu, 3rd Dec 20097:07 am 

    While this is obviously tongue-in-cheek. The sad thing is that people probably really do this. :(

  2. Erin says:
    Thu, 3rd Dec 20097:13 am 

    This sounds extremely dangerous to me. A pill that gives you an alcohol buzz? Sounds like an easy addiction in the making. And a new easy way to drug someone.

    At least when you drink copious amounts it takes time… in this case you could OD in a much shorter period of time. Plus I think it sends out the wrong message- drinking is a social activity, and if someone is just popping pills for the buzz they don't have a very healthy outlook.

    I'm all for heavy drinking without the side effects, but I feel like this drug will be abused and could cause some serious problems.

  3. Miggity says:
    Thu, 3rd Dec 20098:20 am 

    Your move.

    http://www.ultimatehatelist.com/2009/12/top-10-st…

  4. Eleanor says:
    Thu, 3rd Dec 20099:28 am 

    Yeah this seems like a terrible idea. The bad taste of alcohol has a very positive effect – it helps limit how much you drink in a certain span of time.

  5. Kelly - Simmons Coll says:
    Thu, 3rd Dec 20099:40 am 

    These sound amazing, for people who can use them responsibly. And really really scary for those who can't. But then again- isn't all alcohol dangerous when used irresponsibly?

  6. Kevin - The ex-playe says:
    Thu, 3rd Dec 200910:13 am 

    If used responsibly this could be an ok idea – but lets face it. How many ppl already get way to tanked just tryin to pre-drink before the bar? If u add a pill to the mix, they wont be able to measure your count, the alcohol will hit you faster than you anticipate and the chances of having an even higher Blood Alcohol Level. Booze has that after taste so you can help time out your drinks, get rid of that "after taste" and you have a bunch of ppl gettin wasted irresponsibly. Personally, I really hope these dont become street legal. If its easy enough for kids to get booze now, wait until u see kids poppin pills just go get buzzed.

  7. grace b says:
    Thu, 3rd Dec 200911:32 am 

    I'm really having a hard time dealing with this post preceding the "be kind to your body" post. C'mon now CC.

  8. Dia says:
    Thu, 3rd Dec 20096:11 pm 

    "when drunkenly I spill my pills all over it!" hahaha i doubt they wil be available in the US anytime soon, but its still funny

  9. Nel says:
    Thu, 3rd Dec 20096:20 pm 

    Also, ppl pre-drink as a social thing.

  10. mollination says:
    Mon, 7th Dec 200912:35 pm 

    HAHAAHAHA! I love that college candy isn't afraid of being funny (you can snort them)! God, please never change this site. I know you still get the tightwad-stick-up-their-ass-commenters that are all "That was an irresponsible remark", but I find it effing hilarious.

    P.S. I should have invented this shit. I thought of this (haven't we all) when I took my first drink at 14. This is awesome, where can I buy them?

  11. E. says:
    Sat, 12th Dec 20099:06 pm 

    Drunk people trying to figure out how many alcohol pills they can safely take? Yeah, that sounds great… :-/

  12. Breanne says:
    Sun, 27th Dec 20098:41 pm 

    TO: mollination

    Fucking amazinggg, 100% with everything you said.

    Stupid people, if you don't like it, don't say something that'll just make you look dumb in others eyes.

    Just do us all a favor and either get a life and stop trying to change other lives, or just talk about your problems to someone who gives a hoot.

    By the way..

    snort it.. haha amazing.

  13. Isla Watson says:
    Tue, 11th May 20108:29 am 

    i would not be using Diet Pills that much because they are sometimes dangerous specially if they come from China.'~;

  14. wangli123 says:
    Thu, 21st Jul 201110:41 pm 

    the article is pretty good ,with concise language ,with good expression ,we always looking forward to hrearing for him again wholesale authentic jerseys

  15. PillPopper says:
    Fri, 27th Jan 20123:27 am 

    i'm a pharmacy school student and as much as I wish this story was true, it's not.

Tell us what you're thinking...