The Best Invention of The Century: Alcohol Pills

Are the red ones Smirnoff?

One life lesson I have learned all too well in my time as a college student is that everything is more enjoyable with a buzz-on. Not just parties and movie nights in the dorm, but class lectures, dates, exams, family reunions…you get the picture. It’s much easier to tolerate old Aunt Ida when she’s spinning a little bit.

But sadly, living buzzed cannot be a constant in my lifestyle, as it leaves me struggling to keep off the freshman 15 (which is really inexcusable since I am a senior). That was until some geniuses invented the best thing to ever happen to humanity: alcohol pills.

Can I get a What What!?

That’s right. Russian scientists have developed a process of changing alcohol into powder, which then gives you the ability to eat it, snort it, or put it in pill form. Now, while you wont find me huffing vodka anytime soon, I do think this pill idea has a nice ring to it.

Not only will I be able to stop fasting all week in preparation of my Friday night binge drinking fest, but I can also spare myself the pain of chugging watered down beer and shots that taste like rubbing alcohol. I’ll also add an extra 2 hours worth of beer pong, table dancing and ridiculous photo shoots to my night with not having to visit the bathroom every 20 minutes or stand in line at the bar every time I need a refill. And I can set up my pre-party playlist without fear of ruining my laptop when drunkenly I spill my pills all over it!

It’s like a dream come true!

The only thing that would make this better is if those same Russians could figure out a way to get a Jimmy John’s Beach Club into pill form so I didn’t have to wait in that line at 2 a.m. on my way home. But until that happens, I’ll totally take a 12 pack of Bacardi pills. Just wash one down (or make it a double) and I’ll have the smoothest Rum and Diet ever.