Breaking News: Ivy Boys are Weird

‚ By 

See? Weird.

Talk about the British Invasion.

Yesterday, this post on Jezebel pointed me towards this utterly, utterly ridiculous Times of London article that claims college-bound British ladies are increasingly enrolling in American universities—primarily to meet “Ivy League educated males.”

The article is crazy enough that it blames “hit shows such as Gossip Girl, The OC, Dawson’s Creek and even Twilight”—yes, that noted television program, Twilight—for the pseudo-phenomenon it’s investigating. Author Luisa Metcalfe also cites Ivy League hotties including Barack Obama, Jake Gyllenhaal (both of whom went to Columbia. I’m just saying), and “aspiring Dartford College student Dan Humphrey” as bait for English girls.

I repeat: Dartford College. Never mind that Gossip Girl’s Dan actually ended up going to NYU, or that he originally wanted to go to Yale, not “Dartford”—Metcalfe actually writes the word “Dartmouth” just three paragraphs after she initially mangles the name of the beer-happy New Hampshire Ivy, so how did the term Dartford even make it into the final version of this article? Don’t they have copy editors across the pond?

And even if this article is right and female Brits are really applying to American universities just so that they can meet guys with argyle sweaters and perfect teeth—not, you know, because they want to get a good education at a top school—I have to speak up.

I’m sorry to burst your bubble, mates, but here’s the truth about Ivy League guys: they are weird. At least, the straight ones almost all are.

The only long-term boyfriend I had at Columbia once tried to make his own beer by boiling hops and wheat, then letting the mixture sit for a week. My best guy friend on campus, a chemistry major, straight-up watches videos of scientific graphs on Youtube sometimes. My brother, who went to Yale, used to have “books and hot sauce” listed as his interests on Facebook.

Metcalfe quotes Dr. Dona Matthews, who used to work at New York’s Hunter College Center for Gifted Studies and Education, as saying, “In order to get in to any of the Ivies — in addition to exceptionally high academics and SATs — they have to be athletic and they need to demonstrate exceptional social abilities.” But if Ivy League guys are all “athletic” and “social,” I’m the freaking Pope.

Sorry, girls—although there are a few Nate Archibalds scattered across Ivy campuses, the vast majority of dudes who attend the Ancient Eight are quirky at best and just plain odd at worst. So are the girls, actually. That’s one of the things I love most about Columbia.

If I wanted to find a Prince Charming in college… well, I guess I’d try transferring to some school in England.

Comments