Breaking Rules, Not Roles

December 5, 2009 5:00 pm     Posted in Advice, Relationships  Jackelyn - San Francisco State University g+ page

romantic couple


By Jackelyn

Alright, we’ve been through this familiar phase one too many times. There’s that cute guy in your English class, you make eye contact, exchange a few words, and then you call every single one of your friends to fill them in with excruciating detail. Then, a few weeks go by, nothing happens, and this routine soon becomes much too unexciting for you.

So…what happens next?

Is it okay to wait for English cutie to make a move, or should you be that bold girl who walks up to him and shatters his expectations? And if you do make that “forbidden” first move, does that mean you’ll be making moves for the rest of the relationship? That you’ll be in charge? That he can just sit back and enjoy the ride?

That’s what some people think, but I am not one of them.

I’m a big believer in going for what I want, because if not now, then when? If that were me, I wouldn’t hesitate in asking English cutie out to lunch because I’ve really got nothing to lose.

The problem is, many people fear “breaking the rules” of typical relationships or taking charge changes each partner’s roles in said relationships, too. Many people also fear that a woman who makes the first move is then in control of the relationship as a whole and no longer needs to be courted or romanced.

I simply do not agree. Despite the fact that I may ask out English cutie, when we do go out, I will still expect him to open the door for me, treat me like a queen, and, most importantly, to make the next move if he likes me back.

No, I am not a stuck up girl who expects every guy to bow down to me. That’s ridiculous. What I mean is that I am confident with myself and I know what I deserve from guys. Simply because I decide to change up the game does not mean that I have decided to lower the level of respect I both expect and deserve. Why? Because having a guy open the door for you does not mean you can’t open it yourself, it means that he thinks you’re amazing enough to go out of his way and do it for you.

Sure, saying that guys need to maintain their respective role in the relationship can conflict with gender stereotypes. I understand that. But does the modern woman becoming more confident and self-assured mean losing the respect that was once there? Are all the go-getter type of women suddenly seen as less respected, intimidating, and less than worthy of a little romance?

The answer to these questions will never be clear cut, but one thing is for sure: regardless of what changes our dating world is going through, it is important to realize that no woman should ever lower her standards just to keep herself in the game. It’s not the things that guys buy you that represent the respect in a relationship, but simply their behavior and mannerisms around you. I’m not saying dump him if he refuses to pay for your dinner or doesn’t bring flowers on the first date, but just follow your gut. Does he make you feel special or are you always initiating the moves?

For example, I once dated a guy where I made the first move in getting his contact information. Yet, after the relationship progressed, I noticed that he always forgot our month anniversaries, only called every so often, and consistently put his friends before me. This was definitely a red flag of disrespect! I was constantly questioning my happiness with him because I was more content hanging out with my friends than going out on a date with him. Not willing to be the relationship ring leader (or the only one who was even really there), I ended things with him. I went into the relationship because it was something I had initiated and wanted, but I left the moment I felt unappreciated.

So ladies, do your thing that makes you unique and exceptional from the rest. Be fearless in making your moves, flirting your way to his heart, and following your gut. But stop for a moment and make sure you’re getting as much back as you’re putting in. It’s fine to take charge (in fact, it’s exhilarating to go for what you want!), but you deserve a whole lot in return.

And to all those guys who can’t take a hint, get this: I may not be shy to ask you to hang out, but that doesn’t mean you should stop trying to court me like the gentleman you are. Bring on the flowers, dinner dates, cute texts, and late night phone calls…if not, I’ll find someone else to put the moves on.

14 Comments on "Breaking Rules, Not Roles"

  1. jessie says:
    Fri, 4th Dec 20094:37 pm 

    jackelyn, i somewhat agree with you, but on the other hand you have proven yourself wrong right in your article.

    you made the first move and the guy never stepped up. your only example is a time that this DIDN'T work. how is that supposed to prove your point?

    perhaps im just jaded from a similar experience, but i think we independent women would like to think that we can break rules, and that the relationship will still be somewhat conventional, but in the end this really won't happen. I'm sure that that it is possible in some circumstances, but i think more often than not that it doesn't work out. I think that we deserve the right to make the first move, and we should not feel bad about taking it, but we should definitely do it with caution.

    in short, i do not think im being old-fashoned or shy when i say that if a guy is interested, he should have the balls to start the relationship. If he doesn't, why should i expect him to man-up the second we start dating?

  2. Jackelyn - San Franc says:
    Fri, 4th Dec 20095:19 pm 

    Jessie,

    My example was used to prove that I am able to step up to the plate and ask a guy out, but I am strong enough to leave when he's not respecting me. I wasn't trying to give an example where it worked – I was trying to giving an example where it didn't work and what we're supposed to do when it doesn't.

    We are living in a time where the lines between what guys & girls are supposed to do are becoming blurry. I agree, we should approach this with caution, but what I'm saying is that why should we have to wait for him to come to us? If we want something, then what in the world are we waiting for?

    He may or may not man up when you guys are dating, but that's just something you have to wait and see for & respond accordingly. Who's to say that guys always have to initiate the relationship?

    & I understand, I've been jaded in the same experience more than once. But, my point is to stop waiting around for a guy to ask you out. You say that more often than not it doesn't work out…well, I think it's worth the chances to find out if this guy may be the one time it does work out. Guard your heart, but open up yourself to the world of opportunities out there. You never know, some guy may break those expectations of yours.

  3. Sarah says:
    Fri, 4th Dec 20096:54 pm 

    I think it takes a huge amount of strength to tell yourself that you need to get out of a relationship when things are going bad, because I know a few people are try to stay in a relationship with someone even though they feel absolutely miserable with the other person. And I think you are a very inspirational person, Jackelyn, to want to take charge of a relationship instead of waiting the guy to take the first step and stressing over "does he or she like me or are they just being nice?"

    And I don't think that taking the first step in the relationship should ever be limited to the guy not being a gentlemen because the girl took the initiative to start the conversation. Or that the guy should do things like open doors because he thinks that the girl is the girl and therefore acts girly and fluffy. But I really like the overall idea of your post and breaking the rules doesn't necessarily mean breaking the roles. :)

  4. Dan says:
    Fri, 4th Dec 200911:19 pm 

    You're touching on subjects with deep roots here, and your writing was fair to them. Unlike every other CollegeCandy post I've read, I didn't even get the urge to troll this one. As much. Anyway, I'm not here to feed your ego.

    There's a certain charm to a girl making the first move, but it's not solid ground. It works out best if you don't know each other yet – he might not have noticed you at first, but he will now. If it seems like he's interested but not taking the first step, it's not a good sign. It's not always easy for a man to step up, but it's what makes us men. That, or he's a flirt. That's rare.

    From there you alternate between fallacy and common sense. The relationship game is changing – as always. There's nothing wrong with holding your man to the white knight paradigm, but a modern woman's going to have to apply the same logic to herself or fall into hypocrisy. You said "having a guy open the door for you does not mean you can’t open it yourself, it means that he thinks you’re amazing enough to go out of his way and do it for you." I couldn't agree more – just make sure to do the nice little things for him.

    As for the go-getters, here's nothing wrong about being "confident and self-assured" as the woman in the relationship. Those are basic human traits, and for that reason I'll change the language. Confidence is sexy – being bossy, demanding, or selfish is not. Guys have no problem with confident women, but it's easy for a girl to come off as one of the above. To be safe, err on the side of – submissiveness is such a touchy word these days – niceness. Cuteness. Shoot doe eyes. It may not gel with knee-jerk feminism, but guys have been sucking up pain, holding in tears, and lending coats for as long as coats have been around. Fair trade. Keep your confidence, but save the rough edges for the workplace – you catch more flies with honey.

    Anyway, you close good. Follow your gut, don't be afraid to make a move, don't be afraid to move on. Just remember – be nice back, and be nice in general. Do that, and I don't see any reason not to treat you with respect.

  5. Casey says:
    Sun, 6th Dec 20099:44 am 

    If a guy is really into you then he'll make the first move. If he doesn't he's probably shy or has self esteem issues, in which case I don't want to date him anyway.

    The best solution is to make your feelings known, guys tend to not pick up on little signals so you have to be pretty straight forward for them to get it, but if you make your feelings known to him and he feels the same in return then he will ask you out. If he doesn't, quit wasting your time cause he's not into you. This way you get exactly what you want and you don't have to worry about screwing with gender roles. It really is that simple.

  6. b says:
    Sun, 6th Dec 20095:00 pm 

    Casey is 100% right, in my opinion.

    I enjoyed most of this article- but forgetting one month anniversaries isn't a big deal, LOL. Most people don't remember them… Myself included. If my hubby were to come up to me and be like happy 35 month anniversary, I'd probably just laugh, not really think it was sweet.

  7. katielawrence says:
    Sun, 6th Dec 20095:48 pm 

    good article

  8. Jackelyn - San Franc says:
    Mon, 7th Dec 20096:43 pm 

    I'm glad you guys are enjoying it. I love all the points that have been brought up & it definitely sheds new light on the situation.

    I think in the end, it all depends on how a person feels in the situation. Whatever your gut says, you must act accordingly.

    & b, we were in such a short term relationship that in the beginning, it felt like the months mattered x] But I agree, months in a long term relationship don't have as great as an effect!

  9. Bobby says:
    Mon, 7th Dec 20097:00 pm 

    I picked up on another comment that someone else wrote, and I've got a question for the girls out there..what are girls' signals that us guys do not pick up on? For example, I went on a date with a girl. I thought she was interested. We had dinner, and we went to watch a movie. While at the movie, I attempted to put my arm around her..she moved away. If they liked the conversation you had, and you were fairly straightforward in the fact you liked them, what did i miss?

  10. Casey says:
    Mon, 7th Dec 20097:59 pm 

    I agree with that Jackelyn. In every relationship I've had, before we hit the one year mark, we always count the months :) , but considering they're just months and not REALLY that important, I wouldn't get upset if he forgot one (hell, I always forget them after the 6th month, lol) And most guys tend to not find the significance in stuff like how long you've been together, their main concerns are if they and their partner are still happy, but then sometimes you get one of those guys who's really sentimental and cares about that stuff even more than you do, every couple months I'll get a random text from my boyfriend like, "Happy 22nd month anniversary baby!" they're sweet, but I just have to laugh.

  11. Lucifer Sam says:
    Tue, 26th Jan 20107:47 pm 

    Love the article <>. I agree that a girl should get out of a relationship if she doesn't feel appreciated, and most importantly respected. As a guy, seeing a girl stand up for herself is ironically heartwarming. My whole perspective of her is repositioned because now i know she has enough self-respect to not put up with my bullshit. Once a girl looks out for herself in this way, she begins to exude a sense of confidence and independence that cannot be influenced by others. Her self-image becomes all her own.

    But then again, its easy to see you think about things way too much. If you had fun adventures and you learned something…it was worth it.

    P.S. The JR Celski article was humorous. Reading it, i could picture Miss J with a girlish giddiness, grinning from ear to ear. I mentioned him to all the filipinos at work. You've started a frenzy.

    P.P.S. Happy 5 Month Anniversery!!!

  12. Lisa says:
    Mon, 15th Feb 20106:42 pm 

    In Atlanta, GA, where I come from, these gender role stereotypes and gender-based rules about dating still exist. Guys are supposed to be in charge of the dates such as asking for dates, paying, making phone calls, e-mails, driving, etc., whereas girls are supposed to be passive, coy, and submissive and allow the guy to be in control. If the girl initiates things assertively, confidently, friendly, and innocently, she's viewed as a whore or slut, aggressive, desperate, pushy, etc. It's no wonder there's a lot of local TV news stories about date rape and/or violence, including date rape drugs, because women are always being passive and not assertive enough and men are always being aggressive, dominant, controlling, and pushy. It's terrifying! There's only a few people that can break out of those stereotypes, which really stinks.

    But then again, I learned after two healthy dating and relationship workshops sessions at The Art Institute of Atlanta that gender role mannerisms in dating and relationships are potentially hazardous and that it's not wrong for a girls to make decisions at all and that guys must not be intimidated if they do.

    The bottom line, like what some of you said is to trust your gut and also play it safe as well.

  13. Stephanie Pena says:
    Sat, 3rd Apr 20106:19 pm 

    Jacky, You are amazing. We go-getters deserve the best and should be treated as so. I started doubting myself just this past week, but thanks to your article, I have regained my confidence.

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