I Didn’t Know…This Could Happen

Like most weekends, I spent my Saturday afternoon curled under a blanket in front of my TV. But unlike most weekends, I spent my Sunday buying a 3-pack of pregnancy tests, running home, chugging a bottle of water, and taking every last one.

By Noa

How could a day of TV lead to pregnancy, you ask?
It can’t. I mean, I guess it could if someone else was under that blanket with me…and we were watching porn, but I was alone.

And I was watching TLC’s, I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.

This show is not new, but it was my first time watching. And unfortunately for me, there were quite a few episodes on back to back. And I was too lazy/scared stiff to change the channel.

The premise of the show is simple (and pretty obvious from the title): real women who did not know they were pregnant have babies. Sometimes in toilets.

While the dramatizations are hilarious (seriously, where do they find these actors?), the actual events are not. Nor is the fact that there are enough women in the world dealing with this to turn it into an actual series. And did I mention that one woman pulled down her leggings to find a baby hanging out in there?

OMG it’s terrifying.

But much like the train wreck that was the 2 hour premier of Jersey Shore, I couldn’t look away. Hours passed and there I was, clutching my stomach, watching women have surprise babies. By the end of the day, I was crying, my stomach was hurting, and I was craving potato chips. Naturally, I convinced myself I was with child.

I barely slept that night, visions of shoving a baby into my teeny dorm room flooding my mind. When I finally gave up on sleep at 7am on Sunday morning, I ran to CVS. I grabbed the 3-pack of tests (one wass not enough seeing as many of these women took a test and it came back negative), a bag of chips (because my pregnant hormones wouldn’t rest without some salt) and a bottle of wine.

“Wait… baby can’t have wine,” I thought to myself. I put the bottle down, grabbed some natural fruit juice instead, ignored the judgey look from the cashier and ran home.

The good news is, assuming I did everything right, there are no buns in this oven. Or hands. Or feet.
The bad news is there is a giant bag of chips in there. And I have to come up with another way to explain the 10 pound weight gain these past 3 months. And I’m pretty sure I’ll never be able to have sex again.

Thanks, TLC.