Welcome to Marijuana University

"Dude, I have a 4.0 at Cannabis College"

If you’re like me, chances are you glanced at your calendar today and then did a double take, thinking, “It’s been December for a whole week? How the hell did that happen?” For every student, the pressure is on: finals are fast approaching, and we’ve all got about a million pages to read and two million more to write before we can reach the holy grail of winter break.

By Hillary

All that stress is enough to make a girl want to scream. But if you went to Med Grow Cannabis College, chances are that right about now, you’d be feeling a lot more mellow.

Yes, that’s right: Med Grow Cannabis College. As this article helpfully explains, at MGCC, “marijuana is the curriculum: the history, the horticulture and the legal how-to’s of Michigan’s new medical marijuana program.”

See, the Wolverines’ home state recently legalized medicinal pot, and now 24-year-old Nick Tennant has started a thriving business that teaches wannabe Nancy Botwins how to plant and nurture their very own strain of Mary Jane. Class time can also include a crash course in baking with weed (recipes include “crockpot cannabutter, chocolate canna-ganache and greenies (the cannabis alternative to brownies)”).

Okay, so MGCC isn’t really a school—it’s a six-week program that costs $485 to complete rather than a two- or four-year-long process that ends in a BA. But can you imagine what it would be like if Cannabis College was an actual institute of—if you’ll pardon the pun—higher learning?

Classes at CC might include “Watching Spongebob Squarepants 101,” “How Different Things Feel When You Touch Them,” and “Philosophy”—hey, some things don’t change. Their sports teams, the Fightin’ Stoners, would be supported by an adorable mascot called Jasper the Jumping Joint. The dining hall would stock nothing but Cheetos and those little powdered sugar donuts. Seth Rogen would be the graduation speaker at every single commencement. Instead of finals, CC would just end the semester with a big party that culminated in the entire student body hotboxing the library.

It all sounds kind of magical, at least until I start thinking about what CC attendees might be qualified to do after they graduate. None of the potential careers that come to mind—working at a Taco Bell drive-thru window, operating the bumper cars at a local amusement park, being a philosophy professor—sound particularly appealing to me.

I think that pot is a little bit like creative writing: something that’s fine to do recreationally, but not something you probably want to major in. So Michiganders, feel free to enroll in Cannabis College; I think I’ll stick with good, old-fashioned stress.