This Is Not Helping Your Career, Lindsay Lohan

By now you’ve probably seen the pics of Lindsay Lohan’s latest photo spread for Muse Magazine. I am going to need the name and address of the person who told Linds that it was ok to look like a crack whore, because I would like to personally punch them in the face. This isn’t exactly the image Ms. “I’m too good for rehab” Lohan should be striving for, what with all of her great press recently. And I don’t even think she looks hot. So now I’m just baffled and slightly angered.

Honestly, I have more than a few problems with these pictures.

First of all, there is nothing sexy about having your butt cheeks hanging out. Paired with your greasy, damaged hair, that picture is disturbing in a way that even Stephen King could never hope to conjure up.

Secondly, the perils of simultaneously smoking and fornicating are numerous. I not only fear for your life, but for the life of that 10-year-old man-child you are slaying. I think it’s customary to light up after intercourse, not during. That is one form of multi-tasking that I do not appreciate being exposed to young, impressionable minds.

And finally, while the photoshoot was all about artistic integrity, that is not what I see when I look at any of these photos. What I do see is a hot mess engaging in some dirty threesome action in a crack den. Just because you’re sporting some smudgy, black eyeliner doesn’t make you sultry. In this case, it just looks like you’ve been up all night partaking in illegal drugs and taking whacked out pictures of yourself. Which is pretty much a Tuesday for Ms. Lohan.

If you wanted to surprise us, Lindsay, perhaps you should have done a classier shoot. Something involving a turtleneck, maybe? Perhaps baking in a kitchen? Because we all already know you’re A-OK with sex, being “exposed,” and showing your lady parts to anyone with a subscription to Us Weekly.