Tuffy Luv Sez: Your Actions Are Your Own

December 8, 2009 Posted in Advice, Relationships

вопрос? Pregunta? 问题? Question?! Email TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com and Aunt Tuffy will do her best to answer that shiz!!!

By Sara

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I am currently in a long-distance relationship for 7 months. We dated for nearly 2 months before we flew home to our separate cities, and are keeping our relationship steady by phone calls, IMs and emails.

However, something has been bugging me a lot. I met my current BF on study abroad, and before we got together I was cheating on my then-BF with another guy. I made excuses to justify my cheating on my ex with this guy: he made me feel attractive in ways my ex never did, the excitement and rush of doing something wrong, and loneliness of being away from home. After all, he did pursue me aggressively, but I eventually broke down. I did not initiate the affair. Soon enough, I realized what I did, and was utterly disgusted with myself.

At that point, my current BF and I were starting to become more than just good friends. He’s different from the any guy I’ve met before because he is genuine about having a relationship and he took things really slowly. I was starting to have real feelings for him, and began to seriously reconsider what the hell I have been doing all this time with the cheating. I called it off with the guy I was cheating with and swore to myself that never again will I go back to him.

Several months have lapsed now. I am happy in my current relationship. My current BF never found out about this guy (even though the two guys have met before). But somehow I have this nagging feeling that I should let my BF know about this. I learned from my mistake and swore never to return to that again. But now that I’m again in a long-distance relationship I’m afraid that my current BF might cheat on me. I know there is no reason to think this way because I trust him more than anything and we have both flown more than 20 hours both ways to visit each other over the past 3 months. I’m afraid of karma. I’m hoping that by telling him it will relieve me of the burden of holding this secret inside me, and make me less guilty for what I did. Also, when my ex finally returns, I will also apologize to him in person, and hope to bury the past behind me.

Tuffy Luv, what should I do?
– Reformed but afraid of karma

Dear “Reformed,”
Girl, you should be afraid of karma because you got a whole lotta shiz coming to you for what you did.

Okay, first, before I unleash the Wrath of Tuffy, let me just say that I want to commend you on trying to make amends. It is admirable that you’re going to apologize to your ex, since you don’t really gain anything from that. So I give you credit for that.

But that’s about where my sympathies end.

To be honest with you, I don’t believe that you wouldn’t cheat again. First of all, it’s only been a little over half a year. You haven’t exactly been sober for long. I hope you continue on this path, because it sounds to me like you really do mean well, but so far you haven’t proven anything. So don’t go giving yourself a halo for 7 months of being cheat-free.

My advice to you would be to, yes, tell your boyfriend what happened. But, please, do it over the phone. Don’t do it in an email, where it’s easiest and most hurtful. And don’t wait till he flies 20 hours to see you. Frankly, he deserves to know this before he flies the 20 hours.

You haven’t done anything wrong to him. So, like, you don’t have to feel guilty for that. But you did start the relationship off on a very dishonest note, especially since he knows the other guy.

And, frankly, your “justifications” for cheating are lame. So I wouldn’t mention that to him at all.

If you want to try to keep this guy without entirely losing his trust, I suggest you come completely clean to him. But also tell him how much you care about him and that you would never cheat on him.

Of course, history speaks volumes, so whether or not he chooses to believe you is his choice.

Maybe I’m being too hard on you. After all, you know what you did was wrong and you’re trying to do something to right it. And really, I applaud you for that. But it’s this little line that really grates my cheese: “I’m afraid of karma. I’m hoping that by telling him it will relieve me of the burden of holding this secret inside me, and make me less guilty for what I did.”

Repeat after me: You will always be guilty for what you did, because you did it. Cheating is not the worst crime in the world, but it certainly doesn’t show great character. Learn from your mistake and don’t do it again, come clean to your boyfriend, and apologize to your ex–these are good things to do, and I’m proud of you for knowing that and for doing them. But please, don’t think it undoes anything. Everything has consequences.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

477999 Comments2009-12-08+18%3A00%3A21Sara+-+NYU on "Tuffy Luv Sez: Your Actions Are Your Own"

Casey says:
Tue, 8th Dec 20098:21 am

It's not uncommon that cheaters get paranoid that their partner will cheat, It's a side effect of the guilt.

Star says:
Tue, 8th Dec 20099:40 am

This seems like harsh advice. Why don't you just go ahead and tell her that because of one mistake she is a horrible person who can never change her ways and deserves everything she gets? It's one thing when a girl is still cheating and you set her straight, it's completely different to tear down someone who is trying to change. Way to be a bitch, and not in the "you need to hear this" sort of way.

If I'm reading her letter write she cheated on her PAST boyfriend not the current one. Maybe she should discuss this eventually (though I would do it in person and not long distance) but why does she need to feel so guilty about telling her current boyfriend right away?

Maggie says:
Tue, 8th Dec 20099:59 am

I think Tuffy & Casey are right. "Reformed", an important part of any good relationship is openness. You should be able to tell your bf everything–the cheating episode included. And yes, people who cheat are more likely to be paranoid that their significant others will cheat too–the mentality is "If I did, why wouldn't they?" You should make sure you have a long talk w/ your bf about this issue & discuss all of your concerns. Good luck!

Candie says:
Tue, 8th Dec 200910:14 am

I dont think Tuffy is being too harsh at all. So many girls blame guys and say things like "all guys are the same! they're all jerks! you cant trust them!" but when a girl does the same thing, its somehow different just because she wallows in guilt?

Erich says:
Tue, 8th Dec 20091:04 pm

Not all girls wallow in guilt> I have an ex who has cheated on everyone shes ever dated. How do I know? We have two kids together so yes, I still have to see her and whenever she breaks up with someone, she calls me to say she's sorry, but she aint changed.

I agree with Tuffy, you wanted your instant gratification and now you are sorry only cause you may miss out on this great guy, should of thought about that commitment you made.

S says:
Tue, 8th Dec 20092:29 pm

for the sake of her current relationship…. no don't tell. it has nothing to do with the current boyfriend, why make him paranoid and jealous? discussing relationship history is a BAD IDEA regardless and bringing cheating in the picture is even worse. whatever she has done is on her own conscience, but it shouldn't involve the guy.

Casey says:
Tue, 8th Dec 20097:43 pm

S, while discussing details of past relationships isn't advised, if you plan on having a serious relationship with a person they should know YOUR history, which includes some information about your dating history. If she doesn't tell her current boyfriend, who she mentioned knows the guy she cheated on her previous boyfriend with, then he's likely to find out that she cheated and will trust her even less than if she tells him herself. The fact that she told him right from the get go will prove to him that she realizes she made a mistake and that she's trying to start this relationship out right, with HONESTY. No she didn't cheat on him, and he had nothing to do with her previous relationship, but good relationships are built on trust, and admitting faults before the other has a chance to find out, perhaps years down the road when they have already invested years into a relationship, is doing the right thing. If she tells him now he can decide if he wants to stay with her since she's making an effort to change and be honest, or if he would rather not be with someone who has previously cheated. It's best that he hears it from her.

This is an extreme example, but, if you were dating a guy for a couple years and one day he told you, or you find out, that he killed someone, even if it happened before you met him and he's never done it again, how would you feel? You would likely feel as though your entire relationship is a lie, that he's not the person you thought he was, and you'd likely be angry that he entered into a relationship with you without telling you that important detail about himself.

Personally, I would never want to date someone who's cheated. Not only because I'd be afraid they would cheat on me, but because like I said earlier, people who have cheated often get paranoid that their partner is cheating. And I don't want to constantly be accused of something simply because someone else has a guilty conscience. So that would definitely make or break a relationship for me and I would like to know before I invest a lot of time and emotion into the relationship.

Emmy - Loyola Univer says:
Sun, 20th Dec 20094:18 pm

Do not tell your current boyfriend. That is a horrible horrible horrible idea and will only serve to stir up trouble in what sounds like an otherwise good relationship. Just learn from your mistakes and don't cheat again.

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