All I Want for Hanukkah is a Nice Jewish Boy

Almost as good as latkes. Mmmmm.

Put on your yarmulke, it’s time for Hanukkah! (Chanukkah? Hhannuukkka? I’ve heard there might be a silent “j” in there somewhere…)

Everyone’s favorite Maccabee-inspired, latke-flavored, menorah-lit, better-than-Christmas—yeah, I said it—holiday starts tonight at sundown. And even though I’m hoping to get a few specific gifts this year, there’s only one thing I really want to find wrapped in a giant box on Day Eight: a nice, Jewish boy. I don’t think it’s too much to ask; I go to school in New York City, for Moses’s sake.

But I’m not the only one who should be angling for some Semitic lovin’ this holiday season. Dating Jewish boys is the best, and everyone should do it. Why? Well, I’m glad you asked:

-  They’re funny. If you need proof, Wikipedia has 228 pages in its “Jewish comedians” category. Sure, a lot of them—Woody Allen, Al Franken, Howard Stern—aren’t exactly dreamboats. But Seth Rogen, Michael Showalter, Jon Stewart (real name: Jon Stuart Leibowitz), and plenty of other dudes are the whole package: Jewish, funny, and cute.

- Even if your Jewish guy doesn’t have a quick wit, he might have a Jew fro, which is probably hilarious enough to compensate.

-  Jewish dudes have so many neuroses that your quirks will seem tame and adorable by comparison.

-  They know how to treat a lady. Between the guilt and the daily dealings with a Jewish mother, these boys have learned the rights and wrongs when it comes to interacting with the lady folk.

-  They’re also used to dealing with a big, dramatic, sometimes-embarrassing family, so they won’t freak out when they meet your folks.

-  And speaking of family: if a Jewish guy’s mom likes you, you’re set for the rest of the relationship (and I’m not just talkin’ about all the good cookin’ coming out of her kitchen). My mom still asks my 25-year-old brother why he isn’t married to the girl he dated his sophomore year of college. I think she might even still have weekly phone dates with her.

-  When they get older and start to lose a little hair up top, they can just cover it up with a yarmulke and no one (especially all your girl friends) will be the wiser.

-  Jewish guys come with Jewish holidays (lots of them), which come with Jewish food: kugel, blintzes, bagels and lox, brisket, challah…

-  Maybe best of all, according to the Torah, it’s a mitzvah (good deed) to have sex on Shabbat, a.k.a. Friday night and all day Saturday. Sure, this is only technically true for married couples, but I doubt your Jewish beau will care.