5 Hollywood Hunks We Don’t Want In Our Beds

December 15, 2009 12:00 pm     Posted in Entertainment, HaHa  Brittany - University of Richmond g+ page


By Brittany

If we’ve learned anything from this whole Tiger Woods debacle, it’s that some women simply can’t resist the glory of sleeping with a celebrity. And who can really blame them? You put Chase Crawford in front of me and there’s no telling what I would do in order to get him undressed and into my bed. And if it takes heavy drugs and a blindfold, so be it.

In fact, I can say that for a lot of celebrities. A girl can dream, can’t she?

But the fantasy doesn’t extend to all of Hollywood. There are a few celebs that I would rather not have anywhere in or around my lady parts. For example:

John Mayer:
This was a tough one for me because I’m a sucker for anyone who can serenade me – especially if it’s in a limo on the way to a Hollywood party – but there are a few other factors that I had to take into consideration. For example, let’s all say it together now: MAN-WHORE. John Mayer’s dating track record reads like a phonebook, and that’s simply not promising for our future together. And maybe I could look past that for a night of passion, but I simply cannot look past the faces he makes while on stage. If he looks like this while singing, I shutter to think what he looks like in bed.

Alex Rodriguez:
Because, really, is he that hot? I feel like I’ve been misled. I don’t know what everyone else sees, because very time I look at his picture, I just feel like there’s something not right there. And honestly, that damn Yankee has slept with every female in NYC. Plus, if the rumors are true and he and Kate Hudson are through, well he is just an idiot and I don’t mess with idiots.

Robert Pattinson:
I’d be seated on a throne of lies if I told you I wouldn’t happily fall into bed with Edward Cullen. But Robert Pattinson, on the other hand, just doesn’t do it for me. His greasy locks are always standing at great heights, which leads me to believe he showers less than twice a week. And I’d like to take him to a tanning bed, just once or twice, to give him a little glow. Or skin pigment at all. He’s nearly translucent at this point and pasty isn’t a good look on him.

Chris Brown:
R.I.P. Chris Brown’s sex life. Assault pretty much put the nail in the coffin of that guy’s life. It’s too bad, too. I used to imagine what our wedding would be like. He was going to sing “With You” to me at the reception, now I just want to punch him in the genitals.

Justin Bieber:
My best guess says that this 15-year-old pop star is still holding on to his precious V-card. And as awesome as it would to take a celebrity’s virginity, I’m not into statutory rape. I’m not that fame-hungry.

11 Comments on "5 Hollywood Hunks We Don’t Want In Our Beds"

  1. Star says:
    Tue, 15th Dec 20097:46 am 

    Lol! Loved this article and I'm so glad someone else agrees that Robert Pattinson just isn't the kind of hot I imagined for Edward Cullen.

  2. Amanda says:
    Tue, 15th Dec 200911:41 am 

    Agreed Star, Edward is supposed to actually be good looking. Don't know what the casting directors were thinking.

    I still and probably will never understand the appeal of Justin Beiber…..looks like a chipmunk.

  3. Amanda says:
    Tue, 15th Dec 200912:02 pm 

    John Mayer is quite an ass in real life. I worked as a cocktail waitress at a casino in Las Vegas and to say he was beyond demanding would be nice. Also, he wouldn't speak to anyone. We had to go to his manager if we wanted a response.

  4. Juani Ramirez says:
    Thu, 17th Dec 20094:09 pm 

    I think that they did good in choosing Robert Pattinson to play the role of Edward Cullen. I think he plays the role just perfect and truly think that him and Kristen belong together they are both great actors. As far as his looks he looks just the way he should perfectly normal and attractive.

  5. nancy says:
    Sat, 19th Dec 20091:14 am 

    I agree with star as well!! If you actually read the books you'd realize that Edward Cullen is supposed to be THE most beautiful guy ever and, sorry, but Robert just doest cut it!! I know many twilight fans that were truly disapointed when the movie came out because of that!!

  6. jonchristie says:
    Sun, 20th Dec 20091:09 pm 

    I think Robert looked pasty in the movie because his character was a "vampire". Vampire's are supposed to have that x-tra pale look and the red lips. As far as the hair, its supposed to look greasy and the grease is the product used. They start with clean hair and then start adding the product to spike it up. You couldn't do that with dirty hair.

  7. ............. says:
    Sun, 20th Dec 200910:46 pm 

    Hmmm…. It might have been a more compelling article if you'd *actually* included a single Hollywood Hunk in it….

    FAIL!

  8. ............. says:
    Sun, 20th Dec 200910:51 pm 

    As for all the Twilight comments – Pattinson IS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR Cullen material; never was, never will be. But wanting to give him a Yank perma-tan is hardly the answer… In fact, that is never the answer to anything aside from the question "How could I look like more of a wannabe dickwad?"

    If you have beef with his pallid appearance, consult the people who fucked the production of the movie up its ass ten times in a row and then sent it to the theaters bewildered and falling apart at the seams.

    Either that or take your head out of your own ass for a second and realise that the boy is British…. The sun don't shine here that often, sweetie – and really, no one wants the so called 'sun kissed' look that seems more akin to the 90's 'You've been Tangoed' adverts.

    Now, go do us all a favor and go do something worthwhile with yourself… Either that, or be better at writing such an attempt as this one.

  9. Ink says:
    Tue, 9th Mar 20107:11 pm 

    wow this girl "……" is mean, seriously.. more like horrible.. the tanning thing is a joke! fod god's sake.. i was just supposed to compliment the article, (great stuff by the way, cracked me up :) ) but jeesh…

    And also, all you girls, start using the term man-whore a bit more! :D for me? maybe we could slowly get rid of the worst dating injustice there is.. :)

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