Behind Every Relationship…Is a Struggle for Power

December 16, 2009 3:00 pm     Posted in Relationships  Brittany - University of Richmond g+ page

Whenever a new romance blossoms in my life, I can only enjoy it for so long before I start to fear the inevitable. Sure everything is rainbows and snuggles now, but what happens when you reach that certain point? You know the point I’m talking about; when things are more than casual, but neither of you are ready to discuss delving into a relationship quite yet. Most people would say, “talk about it, you idiot!”  But you know (and they know) that’s never as easy as it seems, and sometimes it’s too soon to lay all the cards out on the table.


By Brittany

So instead, I opt for the harder path.

All of my gut instincts (and any dating book ever) tell me to pull back a little, don’t seem too attached too soon, don’t scare him off. Play it cool and he’ll come running because guys love the chase (or so I hear). I want so badly to be in control of the relationship, to have our future planned out on my terms, to have him want me more than I want him.

To hold all the cards.
And so ensues the inevitable power struggle.

I honestly believe that at the core of every relationship, at least in the beginning stages, is a battle for power. Sure there are feelings and snuggles and witty texts back and forth, but what really drives the relationship train is the quest to have the upper hand. We want the security of knowing we are in control of our own destiny with this other person that somehow has gotten a stronghold on our heart. And the other person is doing the exact same thing.

So if someone has to hold the power in the relationship, it sure as hell better be me. Right?

The power position seems to be the answer to so many of the natural fears the come along with opening ourselves up to another person. The fear of rejection, the fear of them finding someone else, the fear of ending up broken-hearted – all of these worries can be settled by knowing you have his heart (and balls) on a string. And how do we do this? We play games.

I’ve flirted with other guys in front of him. I’ve waited 24 hours before returning a call or answering a text. I’ve even gone as far as to mention going out to dinner with a “new friend.”  And he reciprocates the same mind games with me. All of these tactics are just sick and twisted methods of testing our feelings for each other, without having to put ourselves out on the line or wear our hearts on our sleeves. Instead, we’d rather take stabs at each other until one of us cracks. Mature.

Having the power in the relationship is like some sort of super-drug, one that you don’t ever want to run out of. But we have to remember what we all learned in D.A.R.E: drugs are bad. You can spend an entire lifetime trying to figure out the best way to play it cool, to be mysterious, to be the bad girl that you think he wants. But when all the games are over, and you’ve tried and failed to reach whatever future you envisioned for the relationship, everything always boils down to communication. Honest communication.

Hopefully one day I’ll get there. Hopefully I’ll eventually stop purposely not answering my phone to make him squirm, or putting up vague Away Messages to make him think about me. Hopefully one day I’ll back down from my quest for total relationship domination.

But when your heart is in the mix, it’s hard to let just anyone get their hands on it.

13 Comments on "Behind Every Relationship…Is a Struggle for Power"

  1. Q says:
    Wed, 16th Dec 200912:34 pm 

    I don't know what you're talking about… A power struggles seems like an unhealthy thing and shouldn't be present at all.

  2. Kelly - Simmons Coll says:
    Wed, 16th Dec 200912:51 pm 

    I used to play games, but I think my current relationship is so strong because we skipped that stage. Neither of us played mind games. We liked each, let each other know, and have communicated honestly about everything since. I would never go back to playing games in any future relationship, nor would I put up with someone playing games with me.

  3. Nina says:
    Wed, 16th Dec 200912:51 pm 

    Very well written :)

  4. nessa says:
    Wed, 16th Dec 20091:42 pm 

    SO TRUE. I loved this article, my life in a nutshell.

  5. kaley says:
    Wed, 16th Dec 20091:51 pm 

    me and my boyfriend are actually really passive with each other, we don't need to be in control, when i looked at the title, it kind of baffled me

  6. S says:
    Wed, 16th Dec 20091:55 pm 

    doesn't always happen this way. mind games might make you want the other person more (want what you can't have) but would you really want to be in a relationship with someone who's trying to manipulate you this early? for me it'd just signal insecurity and i'd be really suspicious of him. plus i'd start to get annoyed if he'd take ages to reply on my txts and stuff like that.

  7. Sarah says:
    Wed, 16th Dec 20093:46 pm 

    Playing the mind games is seriously like some kind of addiction, even though I've yet to get any sort of pleasure or good feeling from it. It's something we're always told we have to do ("play hard to get" "make him jealous" etc), but things are so much easier without it! the current relationship I'm in works just fine without the games, but it's still soooo difficult to break myself of those bad habits.

  8. Exceptional Losses says:
    Thu, 17th Dec 20095:06 am 

    I love this article. I know exactly what you're talking about and I don't see this addressed too often, but it does happen. Not with everyone, but it happens.

    It's so easy for other people to reject anything they read on this site (seen it way too many times) without clearly thinking about it and evaluating. However, my current relationship started like that: playing little mind games. All of my past relationships were total duds (and so were the men), but this time it was different. I was hooked instantly to this person, yet I didn't want to throw myself at them just yet. I imagine they felt the same way. So? So we played mind games with each other to test it out.

    Years later, we've grown out of that and are still together and going strong.

  9. BG says:
    Thu, 17th Dec 20097:42 pm 

    i agree @exceptional losses. everyone on this site does love to disagree. ugh.

    anyway, i love the article & i completely agree. everyone is always trying to have the upperhand so that they're not the one who's ended up hurt. honestly, i do this all the time. i guess in my past relationships, i have been in situations where i am always the one getting hurt, so recently, i've decided to turn the tables. i want to be the one to ignore the calls, to be the wall post they anticipate, and to be the girl that they want but they can't have. why? because as long as i am in control, as long as they don't have me, they will never have the chance to break my heart.

    and just like you, i'm waiting. i'm waiting for the day that i can find someone who i don't need to do that with. someone that i completely and fully trust enough to not have mind games. ahhh, this article was just what i needed. thanks! :)

  10. belle says:
    Mon, 21st Dec 20099:06 am 

    if it's a real relationship, you shouldn't want or need to play games. but good luck!

  11. mollination says:
    Wed, 23rd Dec 20096:30 am 

    My current relationship went in the opposite order. I liked it because there were no games in the beginning. I thought he was going to be too clingy for my liking (i HATE that) but he wasn't; he was perfectly available. He let me know he liked me, he seem interested, he cared/listened, but he didn't overdo it and bug me. Then we started "officially dating" and I equally let him know I was invested, and then all the sudden he started pulling away. Now it's games-city, and he's all hot and cold. It's effin bs. I hate it. Why does it always have to be something?!

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