There are many difficult decisions we women must make at different times throughout our lives: tampon or pad, Brazilian or bikini, Pantene or Herbel Essense, Gossip Girl or The Hills? Difficult, difficult decisions.
It wasn’t until recently, however, that I faced one of the toughest short term decisions of my life. Or night. This choice would affect it all: my looks, my weight, and my potential for pulling some major booty.
Here was my dilemma: Do I wear Spanx, the best body shaping underwear that eliminates panty lines and takes about 10 pounds away from my curvaceous bod, or do I wear the sexy, skanky, black lace thong?
I know I’m not the only girl out there who has pondered this perplexity. And I am definitely not the last. So, what should you do? Let’s break it down:
Spanx make that tight dress fit perfectly and suck you in at all the right places. Problem is, body shaping underwear looks like this, or worse, like this. They’re like granny-panties-meet-military-armor with the dangerous potential to scare away any guy who finds his way down south.
Thongs, on the other hand, are straight out of every man’s fantasy. They are a guaranteed turn-on and a real flag raiser (if you know what I’m sayin’…). But they also leave everything hangin’ out…and jiggling.
Spanx make you look good, which, in turn, make you feel good and beautiful and confident enough to walk up to that fellow you’ve been eying and spit your best game.
Thongs are thin strips of material that ride uncomfortably high, making them nearly impossible to ignore as you go about your business all night. Jiggling.
Spanx require a full-body workout to get on and off. And when you finally do roll (yes, roll) those suckers down your legs (which is impossible to do while still maintaining some semblance of sex appeal), you’re left with deep red lines across your stomach. Hotness.
Thongs only require a slight tug (with teeth) to remove. They also happen to be easy to stuff back into your purse for the long Stride of Pride home. Jiggling.
You can see the dilemma. There’s really no true winner. It looks like the only option might be the old “I’ll meet you outside in a minute”/run into the bar bathroom and break a sweat taking off those Spanx and go commando before he has a chance to look up your skirt maneuver.
Sigh. It’s not easy being a girl.