Overheard: The Best of The Best Of 2009

(Hey, readers! We sure had a good year, didn’t we? You all sat through Overheard once a week, every week, and nobody sent me any hate mail or bomb threats or horse heads! I’m impressed, readers, and as my thanks to you, I’ve collected some of my favorite Overheards from 2009. Read on! And don’t forget to share what you’ve heard lately. Leave it in the comments or send it on over!)

(Girls studying math in the library.)

Girl 1: … So you just do your FOIL and multiply out.

Girl 2: I don’t get it! I don’t know how to do math.

Girl 1: You know, first, then outer, then the inner, then last?

Girl 2: Oh! You mean making rainbows!

(Two guys in a liquor shop.)

Guy 1: What are we looking for?

Guy 2: A guy, like, four liters wide. Name is Carlo. If you punch him, he leaks wine everywhere.

(Two guys, finding seats in an auditorium.)

Guy 1: Are we just gonna use our jackets to reserve these seats?

Guy 2: I guess so. We can’t rely on Meghan to mark them with her urine.

(Woman, to her son, in a CVS.)

Mom: Look! Thanksgiving! You’re not scared of Thanksgiving, right?

Kid: Waaaah!

(Woman in a breakfast restaurant.)

Woman: Look! It’s the chronosaur! He’s a time-traveling dinosaur who fixes history’s mysteries!

(Two students in geology lab.)

Guy: Hello, Mr. T-Rex. So, you’re a dinosaur. What’s your favorite color?

Girl: … Blllluuue.

Guy: And what’s your favorite movie?

Girl: Space Jam.

(In a public bathroom)

Parent: Now wash your hands in the sink. Use soap! Now dry them.

Kid: No.

Parent: Use the drier.

Kid: No, no no no!

(Sound of drier.)

Afterward, kid:  I couldn’t even hear my screams.

(Folks in the dining hall.)

Girl: Why do you keep socks in your pocket?

Guy: My mom always yelled at me whenever my socks fell out of my pocket.

(Two guys, talking at library workstations.)

Guy: Me and my girlfriend are gonna be getting crazy this weekend. We got my mom’s van. We are gonna need to censor, like, an entire 48 hours.

(Girl, at a computer.)

Girl: Guys, what’s “galactorrhea”? Is that where you sh*t entire solar systems?

(Guys in the hallway, one with a grocery bag.)

Guy 1: They’re doing a food collection in the lobby.

Guy 2: Oh, cool. Do they take mold?

(A bunch of people sitting around a campfire.)

Girl 1: Marshmallows are kinda gross, when you think about it.

Girl 2: I think it’s a good kind of gross. Like tiny, edible fat people.

(Bookstore employees talking to each other.)

Employee 1: I had this dream… dozens of tiny cows! They were the cutest things, just running around everywhere, getting stepped on, stuck in doors. They were bite-size.

Employee 2: They were Tinybeefs!

(Guy, watching four girls move a table out of an apartment.)

Guy: Hey, uh, can I help you girls with anything?

Girl: Yeah, you can spend nine months carrying unborn humans in your belly for us.

(Two girls in a pizza restaurant.)

Girl 1: Nothing big is cute.

Girl 2: One foot toddler? Cute. One hundred foot toddler? Gross.

Girl 1: Wait, one foot toddler?

(Guy chasing a mosquito around with newspaper. Girl watching.)

Guy 1: Get back here, mosquito. You’re going to mosquito school. At mosquito school, you die.

Girl: He paid a lot of money to go to mosquito school!

(Guys turn around as another enters a party.)

Guy 1: Oh, sh*t, it’s chili schnapps guy. Don’t bring that sh*t here.

Guy 2: What are you talking about? This is peach schnapps.

Guy 1: No foolin’ me, man. That’s straight up chili .

(Girl, gesturing wildly to her friends.)

Girl: It’s Reverse Nursing! You suck babies in through your nipples!

(Girl, walking a dog in the park, meets a guy.)

Guy: Hey, I like your dog.

Girl: Thanks. He’s Arfken, dog wizard.