Bad Advice Women Get: Grape Expectations

It’s not easy being a woman. We only earn $.78 for every dollar dudes earn, we have to put up with things like periods and high heels, and—maybe worst of all—we’re constantly being bombarded with advice from lady mags, lady sites, and lady-oriented talk shows that purport to know what we should be doing to get thinner, sexier, and happier. Too often their tips are questionable at best and downright moronic at worst.

So starting this week, I’m going to be taking a look at the advice that falls into the “moronic” end of that spectrum. If I can convince even one girl to reconsider whatever’s being professed in her glossy of choice, I’ll sleep a little better at night.

Let’s begin by talking about sex, baby. Everyone who’s seen a drugstore magazine rack knows that the cover of any women’s magazine isn’t complete without some headline like “BETTER BONING: 113 Sex Tips to Rock His World.”

I don’t know what you guys think, but I’m pretty sure those articles always end up containing variations on the same 15 generic sex tips (“Be confident and tell him what you want.” “Send him naughty texts during the day.” Lather, rinse, repeat). But sometimes, instead of being boring and predictable, the pointers end up being flat-out crazypants.

While browsing through Cosmo’s “9 Erotic Tips to Rock Your World—and His,” for example, I came across this tip from one Cricket Richmond, who apparently wrote a book called Secrets of Sizzling Sex in 1994 (although it’s nowhere to be found on Amazon):

“Freeze some grapes in a Ziploc bag. Once they’re ice-cold, put them in your mouth. Then begin oral sex. The temperature and sensation produced by the grapes while you’re giving him oral sex is incredible.”

Um… seriously? This reminds me of the time Cosmo told us that guys are really into girls putting donuts around their disco sticks and then eating them off. Can you imagine how awkward it would be to pause your hook-up to run to your freezer and grab a baggie of cold fruit—let alone how weird your partner-in-crime would think you were for trying to give him head while you had chipmunk cheeks? And doesn’t it seem inevitable that one or more of the grapes would fall out while you were trying to rock his world, creating a slobbery mess/the potential for wine stains on your sheets? I can think of no way that attempting a grape-job wouldn’t end in serious embarrassment for all parties involved.

Later in the article, Cricket also advises girls to use “a new, soft, manual toothbrush” as a sex toy and tells us to try wearing a long strand of pearls in the bedroom, running it along a man’s body and finally wrapping it “around his penis and sort of roll[ing] the individual pearls around and press[ing] them on his skin.” What’s with the props, Cricket? When did good, old-fashioned foreplay become boring? And even more, I’m not so sure my grandmother had penis-wrapping in mind when she shelled out for that string o’ pearls.

While I know that criticizing Cricket’s advice without trying it myself is a little bit of a cop-out, I’m pretty sure that most guys think doing stuff like this while you’re getting busy needlessly complicates what should be a pretty straightforward encounter. Shaking up your routine is all well and good, but there must be a better way to do it than putting a Crest Spinbrush where the sun don’t shine. Here’s some advice that might be a little more useful: most people who try to spice up their sex life by using everyday objects as toys are probably going to end up looking like idiots in the sack.

Thanks a lot, women’s magazines!



    1. J says:

      not going to lie, i tried it with an (just one) ice cube and he loved it.

    2. DateDaily says:

      Instead of grapes, which sound messy and like too much work, pop a Halls mint into your mouth and get to work. Sucking, then pulling out and breathing on it, will makes him harder than ever.

    3. JenniferUofR says:

      You should never put house hold appliances, food, or toothbrushes in your holes. There is a reason they make safe sex toy that are in fact made for your many holes.

      I heard you can also use altoids for oral. But putting any food on a penis then in your hole is a one way street to a yeast infection.

    4. Erich says:

      I like the cold tingly feeling I get when a woman uses ice. Ice I could see, cause you just take a cup with you or reach into your soda, but grapes???

    5. criolle johnny says:

      hmmm, freedom of expression as long as they agree with you.

      1984 has come and stayed!

    6. bl1y says:

      Want to rock his world? Have twice as much sex as you're currently having.

    7. […] Speaking of shady sex advice, CollegeCandy points and laughs at, um, Cosmo for their oral sex tip involving frozen grapes. […]

    8. Lingerielarry says:

      I think this article is bad advice…how can anyone criticize without trying? I believe to each their own, experimental is a plus when it comes to sex. How can you even write this article when you admit you should have tried it? And then this comment;

      What’s with the props, Cricket? When did good, old-fashioned foreplay become boring? Did you ever open your mind to think that people after being married for many years might get bored? You don't even have the right to write this article…except to criticize someone else. Have an open mind! and the fruits of love will ripen.

    9. Tarah says:

      Cosmo may give some ridiculous advice, but I still love to read it. Here's why living the Cosmo life is so great:

    10. Gina says:

      I think this article really says it all. It's brilliant. Everyone else seems to put this article down for "not trying anything new before you diss it".

      But honestly, lets get down to business here.

      1. The reason this article is valid is that it does make a point about how cosmo and other horrific magazines not only vomit out the same generic advice in different words each time, they brainwash us into thinking their ridiculous enthusiasm about sex should also be yours. Sure, it's a great read for humorous reasons, but who actually takes them seriously? (not to mention this writer does a good job of looking up sources).

      2. Any particular article that gives women some sex advice, love advice, and other vices, really don't know what their talking about. It's really all about bowing down to the man and sucking their boners. Nothing else?

      3. Seriously, there's more to life than just different sex, and I like how witty it is about how Cosmo has nothing else to sell but sex. Like it's something ABSOLUTELY needed in life. Sure healthy and fit is good, but not 105 ibs. for a 5' 10" woman. That's horrific. It's all about image to these people. And they could give two shits what you think.

      4. I would think I would feel ridiculous using items in the bedroom, or splitting the time from my significant other to go get some "grapes" from the freezer. Just get the job done and there. BAM. Insta-gratification.

    11. […] argue that the smile demand is as bad a piece of advice for women as telling them to introduce frozen grapes into their sexual repertoire. It implies that ladies should always be happy—or, even if they […]

    12. フェラガモ says:

      ご自身の体験談ありがとうございます。人それぞれ相性は必ずあるんだと確信できました。 フェラガモ

    13. ゴヤール 財布 says:

      ブラックも気品がありますしオレンジとパープルのサンルイ GM トートバッグ ブラックはエレガントな大人の女性に大変好評です。 ゴヤール 財布

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