It’s not easy being a woman. We only earn $.78 for every dollar dudes earn, we have to put up with things like periods and high heels, and—maybe worst of all—we’re constantly being bombarded with advice from lady mags, lady sites, and lady-oriented talk shows that purport to know what we should be doing to get thinner, sexier, and happier. Too often their tips are questionable at best and downright moronic at worst.
So starting this week, I’m going to be taking a look at the advice that falls into the “moronic” end of that spectrum. If I can convince even one girl to reconsider whatever’s being professed in her glossy of choice, I’ll sleep a little better at night.
Let’s begin by talking about sex, baby. Everyone who’s seen a drugstore magazine rack knows that the cover of any women’s magazine isn’t complete without some headline like “BETTER BONING: 113 Sex Tips to Rock His World.”
I don’t know what you guys think, but I’m pretty sure those articles always end up containing variations on the same 15 generic sex tips (“Be confident and tell him what you want.” “Send him naughty texts during the day.” Lather, rinse, repeat). But sometimes, instead of being boring and predictable, the pointers end up being flat-out crazypants.
While browsing through Cosmo’s “9 Erotic Tips to Rock Your World—and His,” for example, I came across this tip from one Cricket Richmond, who apparently wrote a book called Secrets of Sizzling Sex in 1994 (although it’s nowhere to be found on Amazon):
“Freeze some grapes in a Ziploc bag. Once they’re ice-cold, put them in your mouth. Then begin oral sex. The temperature and sensation produced by the grapes while you’re giving him oral sex is incredible.”
Um… seriously? This reminds me of the time Cosmo told us that guys are really into girls putting donuts around their disco sticks and then eating them off. Can you imagine how awkward it would be to pause your hook-up to run to your freezer and grab a baggie of cold fruit—let alone how weird your partner-in-crime would think you were for trying to give him head while you had chipmunk cheeks? And doesn’t it seem inevitable that one or more of the grapes would fall out while you were trying to rock his world, creating a slobbery mess/the potential for wine stains on your sheets? I can think of no way that attempting a grape-job wouldn’t end in serious embarrassment for all parties involved.
Later in the article, Cricket also advises girls to use “a new, soft, manual toothbrush” as a sex toy and tells us to try wearing a long strand of pearls in the bedroom, running it along a man’s body and finally wrapping it “around his penis and sort of roll[ing] the individual pearls around and press[ing] them on his skin.” What’s with the props, Cricket? When did good, old-fashioned foreplay become boring? And even more, I’m not so sure my grandmother had penis-wrapping in mind when she shelled out for that string o’ pearls.
While I know that criticizing Cricket’s advice without trying it myself is a little bit of a cop-out, I’m pretty sure that most guys think doing stuff like this while you’re getting busy needlessly complicates what should be a pretty straightforward encounter. Shaking up your routine is all well and good, but there must be a better way to do it than putting a Crest Spinbrush where the sun don’t shine. Here’s some advice that might be a little more useful: most people who try to spice up their sex life by using everyday objects as toys are probably going to end up looking like idiots in the sack.
Thanks a lot, women’s magazines!