Ask A Dude: Too Much Too Soon?
I find myself constantly single, and I’m wondering if it’s because i’m too “forward.” I’ve been told I’m the “dateable” type and that I’m pretty, but I think sometimes I tend to rush things with guys a little bit. For example, this guy asked me on a date a week ago, and it was great! I’ve known him for a while through mutual friends, and I was really flattered he asked me. We ended up meeting up that night at the bars and I went to his friend’s house, then he spent the night at my place (no sex, though). We’ve hung out a bunch more times, and I’ve met all of his friends, but every time we have hung out we’ve been drinking and have hooked up. I know I should probably be taking it slow so he takes me seriously or whatever that nonsense is about the thrill of the chase, but girls have needs too!
We haven’t had sex, and I’m not thinking we will anytime soon, but I would still like the attention. How do I straddle this line between, frankly, being horny and still feeling special and not like a hook up? This scenario has occurred more than a few times throughout my three and a half years in college, and i’m beginning to think I don’t know how to be in a relationship or how to get to the point of starting one. Am I doing something wrong?
Dearest Horny Hook-up,
There is a big difference between being “too forward” (which men tend to find undeniably sexy) and being “too rushed.” If you’re the former (a confident, outgoing woman who is not afraid to make the first move), and a guy isn’t into you… then there is something wrong with him (not you). If it’s the latter (which it sounds like it might be), there is still time to turn things around.
Figuring out the line between “hook up” and “relationship” is not too hard to do: one is easier than the other. Has this guy really had to put in any effort forth to earn these steamy make-out sessions? Has he really had to learn who you are, or what you like, before getting all of the perks (and a warm body next to him at night?) Yes, it’s true that you haven’t had sex yet (which is farther ahead than most of your college peers), but you are still giving away all of your “intimacy” without much in return.
Although everyone says that “relationships should be easy,” they don’t mean that they don’t take work. A relationship is wrong if you’re constantly doubting, guessing and wondering what the other person is thinking. A relationship is right (no matter how easily it comes together in the beginning) if you’re taking the time and effort to make sure it forms properly, with mutual understanding (am I sounding like Dr. Phil yet?)
The real question to ask is… what do you want right now? If you really want immediate sexual relief and the meeting of your needs… than stop psychoanalyzing what this guy thinks of you and get some (safely), with zero mental strings attached. But if you want to evolve into something more, then you might need to pull on the reigns (slightly), and try meeting in environments that won’t equate drunkenness or spooning. If you don’t want to feel like just another horny hook up, then stop being one.
– The Dude
[Got a question for Mr. Dude? (And, no, that doesn't include asking him out; homeboy is taken!) Ask it: email@example.com. He won't sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. He'll be 100% real dude, 100% of the time. So bring it on, ladies.]