I Hate You, Resolutioners

January 5, 2010 Posted in Entertainment, HaHa, Reality

[We originally ran this post at the end of 2008. Unfortunately it still rings true in 2010 so we're bringing it back for round 2. Share your own resolution gripes in the comments section below!]

I don’t make resolutions for the new year. Not only do I know I will not keep them, but I also know that anything important enough to give up on December 31st should probably be given up on any other day. I tried to give up cake once – what a disaster. Just knowing the 31st was coming and that I would soon be without my beloved buttercream sent me on a downward spiral that resulted with me, a fork and a missing Costco sheet cake.

The only thing I hate more than making New Years resolutions are the people that do. They are annoying, act all “holier than thou,” and make the first few weeks of every new year miserable for me.

The Gym Goers: Seriously, people, get off of my elliptical. I shouldn’t have to wait to get on my machine (that I have been using 5 days a week for the entirety of 2008 and 2009) just because you finally decided you’ve had enough with your muffin top. And, for those of you who don’t know because this is your first time at the gym, you are supposed to be sweating on that thing, not standing on it and texting your friends about the girl standing behind you giving you the stink eye.

The Smoke Quitters: Congratulations for finally kicking the smoking habit! I am proud of you – really, I am. But I am not there yet. This is not my year to trade in my black lungs for some shiny, healthy ones. So stop judging me and making that disgusted face when you walk by. You’ve given up cigarettes for .5 seconds and suddenly you can preach to me about how disgusting it is? You know you’d much rather be sucking down this sweet cancer stick right now. Don’t deny it.

The Healthy Eaters: Same goes to you, salad people. Sometimes I want a large order of sweet potato fries and I will not let you make me feel guilty. Besides, sweet potatoes are good for me!

The Money Savers: The economy sucks right now, so everyone is trying to save a buck or two. Good for you! Save that money! Earn that interest! But don’t get all cheap on me now and bring out the calculator when the bill comes at dinner, or give me a stack of your used books for my birthday after I got you a sweet new Kindle for yours. And, for real, stop talking about how little money you have. I. Don’t. Care.

1559333 CommentsI+Hate+You%2C+Resolutioners2010-01-05+22%3A00%3A02Noa+-+CU+Boulder on "I Hate You, Resolutioners"

Jess says:
Sun, 28th Dec 200811:57 am

I really hate this article.

haley says:
Sun, 28th Dec 200812:01 pm

me too. chill out

C says:
Sun, 28th Dec 200812:43 pm

Agreed. Just be happy for other people for their decisions and nobody can make you feel guilty or bad about yourself but yourself sooooo…dont hate on the people attempting to do something good for themselves

Amy says:
Sun, 28th Dec 20081:10 pm

I thought this article was entertaining. The gym thing is so true… I haven't gone in forever even though I've been paying for it, and now I'm telling myself I'm just not going right now because I don't want to be one of those people who goes for the first month of the year… really I'm just lazy.

Emm says:
Sun, 28th Dec 20081:53 pm

I'm gonna go ahead and say that this article is a good one. It's not pretending to be something it's not, it's just pure grumpy goodness.

A++++++++++++++ would buy again

Lauren, University o says:
Sun, 28th Dec 20083:04 pm

I find it hilarious. I mean, congrats on having resolutions, but that doesnt mean everyone should.

Marcia says:
Sun, 28th Dec 20083:36 pm

So you go to the gym five days per week and smoke?

Sara C - Fordham says:
Sun, 28th Dec 20084:20 pm

Word about the gym-goers. If you can talk on your cell phone while on the elliptical/treadmill, you're not working hard enough. This is especially rude when there is a line to use the machines.

Lisa says:
Sun, 28th Dec 20084:29 pm

Yeah, I liked this article. I think it's meant to be a little tongue-in-cheek/sarcastic.

Amen to the gym-goers. I go to the Y, and all I can think of is how much it's gonna suck when every teeny bopper and fat momma start to hog up the elliptical (women always flock to those why?) and treadmill. At least I'll be alone from them in the weight section, right?

All I know is I'll be less inclined to dislike them when they actually KEEP coming after February.

Kat says:
Sun, 28th Dec 20084:34 pm

oh em gee there's nothing worse than like, people wanting to exercise at MY gym. Geez.

amanda says:
Sun, 28th Dec 20084:41 pm

Wow excuse me for atempting to start my year off to a good start. I'm sorry "your highness" that us resolutioners inconvience you. Grow up.

Christine says:
Sun, 28th Dec 20087:07 pm

It's funny that you mention people who quit smoking. My dad's fiance quit smoking a month ago and now notices even the faintest scent of cigarette smoke. She's incredibly glad she's quit because she's fully realized how gross it is.

heather says:
Sun, 28th Dec 20087:23 pm

the comments regarding this article fully demonstrate how over-sensitive some americans are. grow some skin, and remember that people who blog online typically don't know you personally.

Katie says:
Sun, 28th Dec 20089:19 pm

Heather hit the nail on the head.

YES!

There is this one lady that I see every year from January 5th until the first week of March–trust me, she's memorable.

She's at least mid-30's, bleach blonde fried hair, and extremely wrinkled fake and bake skin.

I'd say she's at least 12 stone, and wears BRIGHT green spandex.

Having to see her every morning at 6 a.m. for two months for the past three years is awful. Simply awful. Thank goodness she doesn't break into anything more than a quick stride on a good day, or I think I'd toss cookies.

And the only treadmill available is always the one directly behind hers. ALWAYS.

e says:
Sun, 28th Dec 200811:34 pm

the thing is, we all know it's true. the people who hate this article only do because they see themselves in it.

i'm with the author: i don't do resolutions anymore. i had been the healthy eater/gym goer for too many years. anything you want to give up: just get your shit together and do it already.

Bella says:
Mon, 29th Dec 20087:47 am

Round of applause for "e." Wtf.

Lydia says:
Mon, 29th Dec 20081:40 pm

resolutions suck, as agreed with the author and 'e'!!!! I am one of those people who you rarely see on the cardio machine for longer than 5-10mins!! You'll see me more in the weights area (AMEN to Lisa!!! ). Those who try to hog the machine every singe time should really think about their exercise routine (full stop, and thumbs up to Sara C). Better yet, add some spin classes if you want a better cardio with resistance workout (period)

Becca says:
Tue, 30th Dec 20088:36 am

simmer down now folks, it's just a rant. I for one, despise people who get on my case about my resolutions. Just because you make resolutions, doesn't mean you need to get pissy with the author because they do not.

Sarah says:
Tue, 30th Dec 200812:42 pm

This article and the following comments were all much too amusing.

Jes says:
Wed, 31st Dec 20087:44 am

I understand that this article was meant to be sarcastic, and yet it obviously offended some folks, oh well… its a blog.

But I understand about the gym thing though. Its not that I'm not happy for people who decide to better themselves on January 1st, just that its kind of a slap in the face to all of us who work our butts off all year and suddenly have to deal with 100 extra people in the gym, that are always WALKING on every single treadmill for 40 minutes, when all I wanna do is get in my 10-15 minute run before weights. There are rules for when people are waiting to use the machines, and its just kind of un-courteous to everyone else.

But I am also curious if the author really does work out 5 days a week AND smokes… thats pretty damn counter-productive, lol.

(scratches head)

Sarah says:
Thu, 1st Jan 200910:16 am

Right before I read this article I went out for a smoke break and one of the guys I work with made a comment about giving up smoking for new years.

As long as I work in this hell hole there is no way I'm about to give up the one thing that keeps me from causing physical harm to not only my co-workers but also the snotty ass customers that I have to deal with on a daily basis

You guys need to chill out, its an article that you chose to read so quit bitching

I need another smoke break ; )

Kiwi says:
Thu, 1st Jan 20094:57 pm

Haha. While the gym goers might be really annoying, I don't know why you would want to discourage someone who's trying to make some changes in their life! I started going to the gym regularly just before summer, and I know that it can be really intimidating to learn the ropes. Having a bunch of people glaring at you just because you chose to find the motivation on January 1st isn't helpful.

thebooreport says:
Tue, 5th Jan 201012:14 pm

what about the Find-a-bf/gf-ers…

rachelle says:
Tue, 5th Jan 201012:36 pm

RELAX PEOPLE.doesnt anyone know how to take a joke anymore? i always go to the gym, but it IS crowded as hell in january! dont cry a river just because you're THAT girl who decided to start going. congratulations on changing your body. its a great decision, but youre going to be the butt of someones joke, so deal. i dont smoke, but if i were a smoker and someone gave me grief because theyd quit yesterday, i just might have to slap them. chill out self-conscious girls who have no sense of humor!

Lola says:
Tue, 5th Jan 20104:16 pm

I hate the gym goers, I really do. The ones who show up, take up space for two weeks but after that are never seen again. If I thought you stood a chance of sticking it out it wouldn't bother me, but you don't, so why bother going at all?

Bambi says:
Tue, 5th Jan 20104:54 pm

I totally agree with the gym-goers one, that made me laugh. That being said, I agree with the other comments; going to the gym every day and smoking is definitely counter-productive. Don't you start wheezing?

Another comment about the smoking that irked me was that you said you were not ready to trade your black lungs for healthy ones. Sorry to break it to you but you are stuck with blackened ones, no way to get them back again. I am only saying this because many members in my family are chain-smokers and I constantly worry about the state of their lungs.

Amanda says:
Tue, 5th Jan 20106:24 pm

Gym-goes is completely true! I mean by December the gym is practically empty and the group classes aren't attracting many and then you get back to school in January and BAM you can't even move in the gym! The good thing is that it all dies down in February lol!

Mary says:
Tue, 5th Jan 20108:52 pm

this is an awesome article, and here is why!

You spoke your mind, and probably many others!!! kudos!

You made people who DID not agree with you, Debate! Woot! Get those brain juices flowing!

You totally made my night, because Hell, resolutions like those you talked about are totally not realistic if made, like, in one week and people ALWAYS expect INSTANT gratification!!

I, myself, have made GOALS to meet, in three, six, and 9 months time!! Yay!! I will NOT, however, tell you about them. Know why? Cuz it doesn't matter! They're Mine!! I'll take care of them on my own!! : D

Yayyyyyyyyy congrats on your well written, and debate inspiring, Article. Happy Freakin New Year : )

Peace, Love, and Happiness

xoxo Mary

Erika says:
Tue, 5th Jan 201011:07 pm

I love this article, it's so true about the gym. I've gone to the 3 different Y's around me trying to escape the crowds of preteens & pre menopausal mothers & workaholic dads going through their mid-life crisis'. Honestly people don't make me suffer for your lack of motivation.

And who isn't going to "eat better/save money", those aren't resolutions those are daily struggles, if it's going to be a resolution at least get creative with it.

Casey says:
Wed, 6th Jan 20108:19 am

This article is old. I remember reading it last year.

but anywho, I haven't even tried going to the gym yet this year (still kinda getting over my new years hangover. Ugh!) but I know it's going to be packed with resolutioners, and I just don't have 2 hours to spend doing what usually takes me an hour because a million people decide they finally want to make some changes. No, I'll wait till next month, when they've all given up, to resume my regular workout schedule.

Heather says:
Fri, 8th Jan 201011:57 pm

Uhm just because you smoke doesn't mean you're unable to exercise.

Rurik says:
Wed, 19th May 20104:28 am

Tell us what you're thinking...