Fist Pumpers Make Bank
I promised myself I would not fall head over heels for fist pumping and barber shop outings, but as quickly as you can say “duck phone” I was couldn’t stop watching Pauly D burn coal in a gas grill. Thus opening the doors for a new guilty pleasure to enter my life, formally known as the Jersey Shore. I’m as confused as you are. If you asked me a month ago if I would be constructing my Guido name on Facebook, I would have told you to go smush yourself.
I’m not the only one smitten for Jersey Shore. America has fallen in love with the guidettes and Guidos so deeply that 2.1 million people tuned in for the second episode. Tanning package well spent, Snooki. Vinny also just (drunkenly, I’m sure) leaked that the show will be coming back for another season of sweatbands and fist pumping in Seaside Heights, and the original cast members won’t be going anywhere. Except to battle it out on the dance floor, that is. And when they do, they’ll be making bank.
As in $30,000!
Yup, that’s what it costs to fist pump with the entire cast of Jersey Shore. And if you only want to beat the beat with your favorites, it’ll still cost you a pretty penny. Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, Pauly D, and Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi are all making a hefty $7,500 per appearance. Vinny, my personal fave, goes for for $3,500, and you can do a buy-one-get-one with Ronnie and Sammi for $3,000.
Insane, right? Who knew fake tans and crispy hair were in such high demand?
Why am I in college when I could be fist pumping for a living?
What does Sammi have that I don’t have? (Ronnie, I LOVE YOU)
And why on earth is Snooki (the pocket guidette) making so much more than Sammi?
OK, so that question is actually pretty obvious. Some of these fist pumpers are clearly worth more than others. Let’s break it down here.
JWOWW ($7,500): Her boobs and ensembles alone are worth 7,500 bones. Add that to the opportunity to battle her (house music only, please) on the dance floor and you can see why she’s one of the top earners.
Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi ($7,500): There’s only one word to describe why Snooks (or Snickers, as Ronnie likes to call her) is in such high demand: pouf. Everyone just wants to touch it.
DJ Pauly D ($7,500): Somebody needs beat up the beat. And duh, “nobody beats up the beat like Pauly D.”
Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino ($7,500): Honestly, I’m not sure why this guy is making so much money. I’d probably pay $7,500 to get this creeper away from me.
Vinny Guadagino ($3,500): He seems to be the most normal Guido in the house and, let’s be honest, we can party with normal people for free.
As for Ronnie Magro and Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola ($3,000 together), well, nobody wants to fork over the cheddar for a boring couple that will probably just make out in the corner then leave early to go home and think of names for their Guido babies.