I Was “The Other Woman”

Lately, everyone is talking Tiger Woods. From my friends to Perez Hilton to legitimate newscasters, the world is abuzz with this scandalous story and every single person has an opinion on the matter. Which is usually negative… and usually directed at the many women Tiger cheated with over the years.

And all this talk has brought me back to a pretty bad time in my life.

Unfortunately, I had a “relationship” (using that term loosely here) with a guy who was already in a pretty serious relationship with someone else.

I know what you’re thinking: “what. a. slut.” I’ve heard it all before, believe me, from being called a home-wrecker, to being made fun of for being “such a skank.” But here’s the thing – just because I had something going on with another girl’s boyfriend does not automatically make me a terrible person. While in many ways it is completely justified to talk badly about the girl on the side, it is unfair to put all the blame on the “other woman,” especially without hearing their side of the story, too.

So here’s my story:

I am a normal, shy college girl who really, really, REALLY liked a guy. I’m talking head-over-heels, think-about-him-every-second-of-every-day kind of like him. It was actually really pathetic to watch, especially when I would doodle our names together in a little heart while I was studying. But you know the feeling and I know you’ve felt it too – you just need to be with that person no matter what.

When he first started pursuing me, I tried to ignore it, because I knew he was unavailable. But in the end, I just did not have enough willpower. I was young, a little more stupid, and a lot less mature. I wanted to be with him enough that I didn’t care about anything else. And, in a terrible way, it was kind of thrilling to have to sneak around to see each other and to keep our relationship a secret. Especially since I was never the type of person anyone could see doing that (I was voted “Most Shy” in high school, people); it was exciting to be acting so different. And I can’t ignore the self esteem boost of (wrongly) feeling like he liked me enough to cheat.

For me, this wasn’t just a stupid hook-up that didn’t mean anything. I really liked this kid and being with him made me happy. And – yes, I know this sounds like a lame excuse – but he also spent most of our time together talking badly about his girlfriend. He told me she treated him badly, she was never around, and that she had actually cheated on him once before. He said he wanted to end things with her but felt like he couldn’t because they were in a weird place. There was a part of me that really thought he was going to break up with her, which made what we were doing a little bit better.

In the end, it didn’t matter how exciting or thrilling it was, and it didn’t matter how much I liked him. I finally woke up one day and realized that if he really liked me, he would have broken up with his girlfriend and never put me in that position in the first place. Even more, I finally put my blind feelings for him aside and took notice of how terrible the entire situation made me feel. Yes, contrary to popular belief, some of us ‘other women’ do think about the girlfriend, and we do feel horribly guilty.

It got to the point that I couldn’t think about the boy anymore without thinking about his girlfriend. I thought about her every time I was with him, every time he was with her, and every time I thought about him at all. When I would watch the lengths he would go to to deceive her successfully, it would make me sick to my stomach. After watching him lie to her first-hand I knew I couldn’t be with him anymore. I ended things right there.  In retrospect, I really wish that I had had enough guts to call her and tell her everything, because she deserved to know the truth, but I didn’t and their relationship continued just the same. I still feel guilty about it even now.

I know how everyone feels about the ‘other woman’ in any situation and I understand why people feel that way about her. I mean, no one wants to be or deserves to be cheated on. But I think it’s important to hear both sides of the story. The other woman isn’t always some cold-hearted bitch out to steal someone’s man. Sometimes she’s just a girl who has gotten herself in way over her head. Sometimes she’s not proud of what she did. Sometimes she gets hurt, too.

Cheating is a terrible way to deceive someone, and I am sorry that I ever helped someone do that. I am not trying to justify my actions in any way, because I knew going into that relationship that it was all wrong, but I had overwhelming feelings and I let those feeling cloud my judgement. I think that’s something everyone, even those who have been hurt by cheaters, can understand.



  1. Nicole says:

    It's so nice to hear you come out with your side of the story. Sure what you did was wrong, but you had good intentions. You can't help who you love and sometimes all logic just goes out the window. I'm really glad you did the right thing and left the jerk.

  2. Kathryn - Georgia Te says:

    This was a good article. I mean, everyone makes mistakes, and as long as you eventually realized it & learned from it, that's perfectly acceptable. No one's perfect!

  3. summer says:

    i'm still in a situation that's very similar to yours. it'll be three years of it at the end of march. it sucks, but i'm glad to see that the whole world doesn't think of me as some home-wrecker monster. it's very weird for me to be in this situation because prior to it i was in a 6 year long relationship. so i know how it is to be on the serious girlfriend side of things too.

  4. Leah - Ryerson Unive says:

    I really enjoyed your story. I was recently in a situation sort of like this except the guy told me he had broken up with his girlfriend. I had my suspicions, but I liked him too much to ever call him out on it. It really just sucks to fall for a guy that deep down you know won't end his relationship.

  5. Emma says:

    Wow you just described in almost perfect detail the last two years of my life. I was in exactly the same situation, it's good to know i'm not the only one who was drawn into something like that.

  6. bella says:

    Well said Jessica :) I applaud you for that.

    Even though most of us probably heard what you said before, it's nice to remind others that the "other woman" isn't a man eater.

    It seems like you learned your lesson after this, and we all make mistakes.

    I just hope for all the other readers out there to have stronger will power, espicelly after reading a story like this and knowing the typical scnerio.

    If a guy really liked you and he was decent enough, he'd break up with his girlfriend just to make it right and be with you. 'Nough said x

  7. Ace says:

    I know where you're coming from. I was off an on with a guy who was in a long distance relationship for over a year. I finally threw down the law and walked away and he did come around and break up with her. Now I realize though that he never cared about her, and I'm not sure he's ever cared about me and even if he does, how can I ever trust him?

  8. Erich says:

    @ bella– If a guy is decent he will not pursue someone while dating another. Just sayin

  9. Rae says:

    I was in a similar situation, I am also a really shy college girl. One of the big issues I had with the whole thing was that I can never date this guy now. Even though I like him, he cheated on his gf (with me) and I would never be able to trust him enough to date him. Weird how things turn out…

  10. Ann says:

    @summer get a life and a real boyfriend!

  11. bella says:

    Erich, thats what I meant, sorry I didn't write it clear enough x

  12. Bailey says:

    I have conflicting feelings about this. First, I understand where you're coming from. I was the other woman once because an ex of mine didn't tell me he was seeing someone else over the summer, someone I didn't know, and he initiated something with me that same summer. The second I found out, I cut things off. I understand. It's a horrible feeling, one of the worst.

    I was okay with your post until the last line. "I think that’s something everyone, even those who have been hurt by cheaters, can understand." I disagree with that. Someone who has been cheated on by someone they thought they truly loved cannot understand.

    No matter how much I cared about someone, knowingly and willingly encouraging cheating in any capacity is one of the things I hate most in the world. Maybe it's because I've been cheated on several times (none of them were decent guys, not even close), but I really don't care what the situation is. I've been cheated on emotionally and physically, in every possible way by multiple guys, and I promise you that however bad you felt, the girlfriend feels at least a million times more rejected, more disrespected, more insecure, more unwanted, more everything. I promise you.

    I'm sorry this happened to you, and I hope you've come out a stronger person. But it's really hard for me to say that "it's okay because he acted like that when you were together." Clearly you don't think that anymore, and I applaud you for that – but at the same time, I could never knowingly put anyone in that situation.

    I'm really sorry because I know I sound cold-hearted, but I can't say that I understand. I understand wanting to be with someone so badly it hurts, but I can't understand not having the integrity to stay away from someone who's already committed. I understand this comment will upset people, but I have to say my side on the cheating situation.

  13. Roberto says:

    yeah man, that was messed up, even with your side of the story

  14. Kelly - University o says:

    I love this article. While I've never been in that situation, it's awesome that you shared your side of the story that most people don't ever hear. It's hard for a lot of women, especially those who have been cheated on, to put a personality, a mind, and feelings on the "other woman".

  15. Amy says:

    No, it isn't fair to put the blame entirely on the other woman. You don't owe the gf anything; it's her bf who made a commitment to her and is betraying all of their friendship, love, and trust. But I must admit I don't understand the point of your article. No one is perfect, I realize that. You're not a skank, but it was a skanky thing to do. You're not a terrible person, but it was a terrible thing that you did. You said you felt guilty and thought of the gf, but it seems like she's more of an afterthought and your reason for ending it seems like it got rid of the guilt for YOU and made YOU feel better. I'm sorry but if you actually thought of her first then you wouldn't have cheated in the first place. And your comment about how you realized you couldn't be with him after seeing him lie to her straight-up, how do you not see that you're just as involved in the lie as he is? Is it somehow better that you did it behind her back? Regardless of how badly you need to be with this guy, it doesn't justify anything and it doesn't fix at all what you did. Not trying to make you feel bad, and it's good that you learned from your mistake. I just don't understand the point of the article explaining things from the other woman's POV. Well, I guess some girls can read this and not do the same thing in the future but we all know there are always girls out there who will cheat with a man in a relationship. I know this probably sounds harsh, but I'm kind of annoyed by reading the opening where you say things like you're not a horrible person and your side of the story as if being weak and shy and whatever justifies you hooking up with the dude. It doesn't.

  16. Cate says:

    Totally in this situation too! I felt bad once I saw a picture of the girl, (I guess it made it more real…) and so I quit talking to him all together.

  17. Lisa says:

    i'm a firm beleiver in not blaming the other woman. The GUY is the douchebag. It sounds like you were vulnerable, and we all know it would be ridiculously hard to say no to a guy we really really like, and he used you. So, no, I don't think you're a big slut or homewrecker.

  18. Erich says:

    Actually its both parties involved that deserve the blame, the girl and the guy. I too have been cheated on, but I blame the ex for pursuing it and the guy for disrespecting me and my fam. Anytime sometime cheats or is helping its disrespecting the other, regardless.

  19. Sam says:

    It's very interesting to read the other side of the story, but I have a difficult time understanding (probably due to being cheated one once or twice before..) why you would willing go into a relationship with someone already in a relationship. Their willingness to break the trust and commitment of a relationship shows they have no true understanding or want for a real relationship; and if this is the case, why go after someone like that unless you too also do not want a real relationship? And additionally, why not save the cheater's boyfriend or girlfriend and just find a friends with benefits situation?

  20. Marcus says:

    I understand your reasons but it's still kind of pathetic. The fact is, your doing something that you know is guarenteed to really hurt another person. That cannot be justified under any circumstances.

  21. katie amanda says:

    i've come to learn regardless of the sitatution it always becomes the female (all females involved, at that) fault. the other woman pursued, the girlfriend in the current relationship is a bitch. but hyou know the man knew what he was doing when he pursued and he knew what he was telling both parties.

    i've been there. twice. not dating but hooking up.

    the first guy told me he was in an open relationship and i believed it because i had seen him hook up with other females. we hooked up and his girlfriend eventually found out. i never felt worse about anything else in my life. but what could i do? i couldn't take it back.

    the second guy was a friend of mine who i had casually been hooking up with two years, between numerous things. it sounds dumb, it sounds trashy but its college and it worked. we couldn't date because it was too complicated. his new relationship wasn't official yet (or so he told me) and he wanted to be with me one last time. the entire time i thought about her and it felt bad but you know all i had to go off of was what he said.

    i don't know i think its one of those situations that only people who've been their can understand.

    those who haven't, don't be quick to pass judgment because we're all human and you never know if you'll be there.

  22. Nina says:

    I honestly don't think that the 'other woman' should have ANY blame whatsoever.

    The thing is, it is the guy who has a responsibility to his gf/wife. The girl with whom he is cheating, is just someone who happens to be screwing the guy. She has not made any promises of faithfulness, nor is she responsible for someone else's lack of faithfulness.

    So, in a way, I find it weird that anyone would place blame on anyone other than the guy. Sure, you can hate the other woman – in a blindly irrational manner – but never more than the guy. The girl didn't break any promises to you. Simple.

    Finally – it's really interesting…. It seems that there's quite a difference in attitudes in how 'the other woman' is perceived in the US, as compared to Europe (specifically, the UK).

  23. Tazza says:

    Where's the line then? If the woman can be called a "homewrecker" and "skanky" for dating a guy she knows is in a relationship, what about the girl who dates someone she knows her friend has a thing for? What about someone who professes feelings for a guy in a relationship and he immediately leaves his girlfriend to be with this person? No cheating–but certainly a betrayal of trust in both cases. In both situations someone is hurt. I think it's tricky to cast blame on the other woman (or other man). They're pursuing their feelings and if they are single, they are free to do so. It is the responsibility of the person in the relationship to say no. I'm not sure they're blameless but I certainly would never call them names. Most of us devote a lot of time to searching for love. If it really is so hard to find, I understand the difficulty in saying no even if the person you're falling for is in a relationship.

  24. Leah says:

    @katie amanda: You're right that people who have never been there shouldn't pass judgment. But what do you mean "you never know if you'll be there?" I know for a fact I will not cheat with someone in a relationship. I might develop feelings for a guy who's taken; that's possible. But I also know I'd stay the hell away from him as anyone with morals would also do if there's a possibility I might make a move. And your "dumb and trashy" (your words, not mine) choices has more to do with you as a person than it does with being in college. I am in college and I, my friends, plenty of girls I know don't waste our time on guys who are taken.

  25. Casey says:

    To people saying the "other woman" shouldn't have any of the blame. How do you figure? If she knows the guy is in a relationship she is just as much to blame as he is. Had she said no (like she was supposed to) he couldn't have cheated in the first place. He didn't cheat with himself (And you can use the argument "had I not done it, he would have found someone else" but at least that someone else wouldn't be you, and if everyone turned down the taken people there wouldn't be any cheating). Keeping a guy from cheating isn't the issue, nor is it any of our jobs, but keeping YOURSELF out of the cheating is. Yes, HE made the commitment. Yes, it's HIS girlfriend. But when you hookup with a person you know, or have an idea is cheating, you are just as guilty as they are because you knew you were screwing a taken person, and that's just as bad as you yourself cheating.

    I've brought this up on a similar post, but what ever happened to sisterhood? Women promote sisterhood constantly, yet when it comes to issues of cheating, girls (operative word) like to throw out, "I don't owe her anything", "It's not my responsibility to keep her boyfriend from cheating". But as women we should look out for each other, because if we don't, the guys certainly aren't going to.

    But even if you don't respect your fellow woman, at least respect yourself enough not to sleep with a guy who is obviously a liar, a douche bag, and doesn't care enough about you to end their relationship to be with you.

  26. alana says:

    Preach that ish, Casey. This girl's post disgusts me. She's going on and on about being voted most shy and likes the excitement, then talks about how it gives her a boost. Too bad she feeds her ego by pecking at another girl's self-esteem. Elevating yourself by pushing another person down, you should feel so proud, Jessica. I agree with Amy, even ending the relationship benefits you and not the girlfriend so don't even pretend like you thought about her. But you kno what they say about karma. You're not the best-looking girl and your personality doesn't sound that great, let's just all hope the girl your future partner cheats on you with thinks of you as much as you did of the girlfriend.

  27. Becca says:

    As someone who was cheated on, I have no respect for you. And you clearly had no respect for yourself if you did this. You talk about how bad this made you feel while you were actively screwing over someone else's life.

  28. jackie says:

    What is up with girls getting a self-esteem boost and thinking that the guy MUST like them a lot if he's willing to cheat. Newsflash, men like sex and girls! It shows bad judgment, not love for you. Tiger cheats on his wife (who's a 10 without makeup) with 4s and 5s (at their best). Maybe you should be worried about why he pegged you as the type that would fall for his I'm-with-someone-but-I'm-soooooo-into-you mindf*ck games. It's hard to face, but it's not because you're that gorgeous, honey.

  29. MissAmbiguous says:

    What I would like to know is what happens when the GF confronts the OW (assuming she does). Then what? That's a WHOLE other ball game. What should be said? What SHOULDN'T be said? How should the other woman respond?

  30. Jessie Lea says:

    Wow…Alana… way to show what an upstanding person you are! "You’re not the best-looking girl and your personality doesn’t sound that great". Yikes. I truly hope that was an errant comment and not a true reflection of your own personality.

    Kudos to the author for writing a thought provoking piece. Personally, I do feel the blame generally should be shared by all parties involved, including the original girlfriend. For my explanation of why I will use the story in the article which has the cheating boyfriend, the original girlfriend and the other woman.

    The cheating boyfriend should take the bulk of the blame. He made the commitment to the girlfriend and pursued the other woman (and according to the story above, did so relentlessly until she agreed).

    The other woman is aware of the situation and, despite her feelings for the man, she should be above partaking in "the forbidden fruit". Thus the next largest portion of blame falls to her.

    Finally, we have the original girlfriend. A very small (and I mean extremely small) amount of blame must go to her. Typically, the girlfriend has some inkling that something is not right and chooses to ignore those feelings. This is similar to how the other woman chooses to ignore her feelings of guilt and continue the relationship.

    A final comment for those who say they will never be "the other woman". It may seem impossible; however, no matter how strong your morals, beliefs, etc. are you may be swayed from your stance by falling in love with someone who is unavailable. If someone develops feelings for you, even if they are never acted upon and you don't return the feeling, you have become the other woman. You just don't know it.


    I have never been the other woman nor have I been cheated on. These are my humble opinions based of the experiences of others, including friends and family, who have been on both sides.

  31. alana says:

    Yea, I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote that. It was mean. I think I started reading her article with genuine curiosity and then by the end I was so disgusted with her whole "we're misunderstood people" approach.

    But I will never be the other woman, even though you don't agree Jessie. To fall in love takes time; at the first inkling that you might be attracted to a married/taken person, you need to take a step back. If the guy makes a move, you have the responsibility to reject him (even in a cruel/humiliating way) until he gets it. I personally feel a cheater will just move on to cheat with someone else, and there will be girls out there who will hook up with him but it doesn't have to be you. There is also a huge difference between unknowingly becoming the other person (guy develops feelings for you but you don't feel the same) and actually cheating with him. Intentions do matter, and to intentionally wreck someone's relationship is all sorts of trashy in my book. I don't see how you can say they're the same thing.

  32. Savannah says:

    I enjoyed your story and seeing things from a perspective I never considered. I hope you realize now that things may have turned out a lot different for you if he realized you would not stoop to that level. If you showed him you had enough respect for yourself to not be hidden or be the “other women”, who knows, the way he complained about his girlfriend is maybe insight to if he would have flat out dumped her for you or not (had you not shown him he had the best of both worlds). I don’t mean to lecture, just reflecting from personal experience- if you raise the bar, guys will meet it. And even if they don’t you’ll still have your dignity in tact.

  33. hannah says:

    i was nodding the whole time while reading this.. i was recently in a similar situation, but at first i didn't know he had a girlfriend.. i was a total shy girl, new to the city for college, and had never had any kind of relationship before.. after a few weekends of haning out non stop, he told me he was in a relationship with a girl from other country and we should remain friends.. i had strong feelings for him and tried, but we both gave up and hooked up again..we went out every weekend and talked all the time, but he told me he was moving away to study abroad.. and now i know he moved in with his girlfriend..

    maybe its my fault for getting myself in this situation, but i can tell you the person who's hurt the most is me

  34. […] – Finally, we took a moment to hear the other woman’s side of things. […]

  35. Jen says:

    I can see where some people are upset about the other woman's POV, but I think what she had to say was justified. I have been cheated on before as well but it doesn't make me think that all the "other women" are horrible, sure some of them are prob. man eaters and don't care about other people. However, some other women were first misguided by the guy and vunerable and believe that he will leave his gf bc he complains about her so much… I also think that there are people who are very hurt by being cheated on and or have never been even in the possibilty of being the other woman so they don't understand and choose to lash out on "the other woman." Yeah many times the other woman feels guilty but she holds on because the man gives her false hope. I think unless he leaves, the other woman will eventually realize this isn't going like he said it would and she will quit seeing him. (Just fyi I am refering to this based on him being in a relationship not marriage). I think I would feel differently about the situation if the man was married. I don't think that all women are vunerable when they are the other women but I think vunerable women are targeted. I am saying this because I think I am vunerable sometimes and I feel I am being lied to and misguided by a man who has a gf. He led me to believe he wasn't seeing her when we first started seeing each other, but then he said she just wouldn't let it end. He says he is unhappy but that she is crazy and he is waiting for her to dump him… I have been on a cloud believing his crap but I am beginning to think he is just saying things to try to keep me around. He also said well things will eventually be found out. I feel like he wants to get caught or something… uh yeah so she can take it out on me.. no way! I know this is wrong but I think every human has done something that they know is wrong but they did it/ hopefully they stop it but yeah. So I am making the decision to not see him like that. But what I want to know is what the heck is going through his head? Is this a game to him? What are his intentions in all of this?

  36. katie says:

    I'm in this same exact situation right now, and he is very forward about pursuing me and I just found out he has a girlfriend. I keep saying how this is wrong, and he doesnt seem to think it is, and sadly i end up giving in because I like him so much. Up until now, I always felt spite towards "The Other Woman" when i hear stories of cheating, but its not so black and white. Now I think the guy is mostly at fault and it's hard when you're being told so many things by him. I feel the same as you and this is something most people would never believe i would do. I think we just have to remember it isn't all our fault and doesn't make us terrible awful people.

  37. Maggie says:

    Jessica, props on writing a thought-out article. And readers, I'm impressed that you guys managed to have a relatively civil discussion about the topic. You guys have hit a lot of the points that I was thinking of, so I just want to say that I don't condone cheating whatsoever. I think a lot of people, especially underclassmen, are still in a high school mentality, where relationships are more of a phase than a commitment to another person. From that perspective, it's easier to understand why things go downhill and people get hurt.

    That said, it seems like many of the girls who are "the other women" fall into 2 categories – cruel, man-eating bitch or naive girl with low self-esteem. I have nothing but disdain for the former…but for the latter, you girls should really have more respect for yourself and get some standards. Guys who cheat on their girlfriends (including those who are having trouble in their relationships) are not the most upstanding people you'll ever meet. Sometimes they target girls who they think will give in easily…and it seems like several of you have proved them right.

    Everyone has their own opinion, and there's not much that I can do to really push mine onto other people. I just hope that the cheaters and the "other women/men" realize that they're hurting a flesh-and-blood person with feelings and a heart. Maybe it's time for more of us to abide by the Golden Rule.

  38. ing says:

    At first I was glad to see all the support pouring in from everywhere, but it made me want to remind all you 'ladies' out there who are gaining understanding of this dark, ugly, manipulative side of womanhood that you are forever marked as the other woman for the rest of your life. To the guy, to the girlfriend, and probably yourself – and all the judgments, stigmas, names, looks, curses, swear-words, and STDs that this behavior carries can absolutely, and unapologetically be applied to you … no matter your individual reasons or personality.

  39. Tawana says:

    pshhhh so skanky. i mean seriously???????????? how insecure were you?

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  41. […] zero tolerance for women who do. I know it’s being a good girlfriend if I sit and listen to your man problems, but when it’s another woman’s man your whining about, I’m just not that […]

  42. Abbie says:

    I stumbled on to this article and had to read it…much like not being able to look away from a car accident. You don't really want to watch but you do anyway. The worst kind of rubber necker.

    To the original article writer I hope you really have learned that your a better person. That old saying of "if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you" has some truth to it. Intimacy, real intimacy, is more than just sneaking around and feeling good IN THE MOMENT. It is a commitment beyond RIGHT NOW. That is something that as a youth you just don't know until you experience, as you did, the opposite of intimacy (which is what your bf was betraying – the intimacy he supposedly had with his gf).

    As to those others: anyone who thinks they are not responsible to the gf or wife or significant other would feel differently if it were them being cheated on. What kind of world do you live in that personal accountability can be so easily shucked aside? But that is a pointless argument to make against those who feel so entitled and have strong narcissistic tendencies. All I can say to those with that way of seeing things is: Good luck with life because you will never have a truly intimate relationship because you already mark yourself as a crappy mate because you are just self centered to see beyond YOU.

    You may not "owe" the gf fidelity but do you owe yourself some responsibility? STDs are making a nice resurgence thanks to all those flighty "hook ups" and not "owing the gf" anything. You're helping to spread the incurable (like cervical cancer which is caused by an STD or herpes which never goes away) and line the pockets of pharmaceutical companies.

    So the gf assumes that there is fidelity while her bf is out screwing the next available and handy girl (who stupidly feels blessed for any attention) passing around STD's like they're party favors. I think you owe yourself and you owe humanity some personal responsibility and accountability even if you don't think you "owe" the gf anything. Jerk.

  43. Emilee says:

    To those girls that say what Jessica did was terrible and all she should of cared about was the GF.. are terribly wrong.

    You have no room to talk. ZERO. Unless you have been the other women, and you fell hard for this boy thinking he truly cared for you.

    I told the girlfriend what i was doing, being 100% honest. At first she accepted it, then totally changed her mind and accused me of lying, for 5 months people keep telling her what was going on, she didn't believe anyone.. In a way, though i know what i did was wrong, it's the gf's fault in some way for being so nieve. I knew he was a lier. and i told her, but she still believed him. And she still does. I was with him, for the first 5 months of their relationship, they hit the year mark in february, and theyre still together. She denies everything i told her.

    No one should judge unless they've experienced something like this FIRST HAND. And i told myself over and over i would NEVER do something like this. But i did and you could too.

    Never say never.

  44. abbie says:

    "I told the girlfriend what i was doing, being 100% honest. At first she accepted it, then totally changed her mind and accused me of lying, for 5 months people keep telling her what was going on, she didn’t believe anyone.."

    And who were you to her? Were you friends, someone she knew and should trust? Or were just someone who randomly tells her a story about her bf whom she should trust?

    "In a way, though i know what i did was wrong,"

    You're not sure if what you did was totally wrong? Tell me, would you have felt that it was right if it was your bf who was screwing around with another woman? Would you have just shook it off like it was only kind of wrong?

    "it’s the gf’s fault in some way for being so nieve."

    Do you have any idea how completely messed up the logic is? So the one who is taken advantage of, lied to…EARNED what happened because she didn't take the word of someone who she didn't know (I assume) and didn't have a reason to trust about her bf who she thought she knew and could trust. That is naive? How is trusting someone earning lying, cheating and being victimized? I would say that you were also naive.

    Whether or not you like it you made a choice. You are going to have to live with it. What you did was wrong. It was hurtful. You can try and justifying it however you want but there really isn't a good reason. She didn't earn any of this crappy treatment. That is like blaming a rape victim for being raped.

    "You have no room to talk. ZERO. Unless you have been the other women, and you fell hard for this boy thinking he truly cared for you."

    If it makes you feel better, I was a crappy person and made that same choice you did. I learned from it. I didn't justify it. It was a really terrible thing to do to someone else. It is something that I've had to live with and maybe some day I'll even forgive myself. The gf didn't forgive me, even when I offered an apology. She didn't have to forgive me. I didn't deserve it.

  45. R says:

    First, I want to say that I don’t think the Other Woman should be at fault. Like it’s been said before, she has no duty to the original girl. I can say with complete honesty that the only way I would ever get mad at the Other Woman was if it was family or a friend of mine.

    I have been cheated on. My last boyfriend went to an 8 month training school in another state and married some other girl after 3 months of knowing her. We were together for 2.5 years and had talked about getting married one day. It damn near killed me when I found out (and he didnt have the decency to tell me; his colleagues did). I have NEVER once blamed his (now) wife. HE was the one who was supposed to be faithful to me, she never had any commitment to me.

    I’ve recently moved back to my home state and started hanging out w/one of my very good friends. I’ve known him and his family for almost 16 years (we grew up together). Last weekend his older brother and I fooled around. His brother has a girlfriend that I am fully aware of.

    I’m not making any excuses. I’m in my 20’s and I have recently gotten out of the military, and I worked with mostly men, so I know how guys are. My friends brother was relentless when we first saw each other again, and I have been attracted to him since middle school, and that spark picked back up when I saw him again. I know my friends family does not like the girlfriend, and there are extenuating cirumstances and I know that the brother is very unhappy. I dont know why he doesnt leave her. I dont know if that make-out/groping session we had will ever lead to something more or not, but I don’t owe his girlfriend anything. You cant help the feelings you have. I never thought that I would be Other Woman, and I certaintly never thought I would ever be capable of having even a one night stand. I’ve only fooled around with and slept with one person and that was my ex.

    My point is that you never know what you are capable of, and maybe you should think about that before you judge ANYONE, whether it be the author of this article or the Other Woman herself. I know that some men and women enjoy poaching, and like the thrill of being secretive and doing something that is taboo. The way I think of what happened or might happen in MY experience is that maybe if I hadn’t left for the 5 years that I was away, maybe we would have ended up together. I dont know, but I can tell you that I’ve never even thought of taking another womans man. Sometimes it happens, and honestly if anyone is to blame, it is the person who has a commitment to another person.

    I guess if this makes me a slut or a whore, then I’ll let my higher power judge me for it.

  46. Sarah says:

    Just wanted to say that i am glad that i read this. i am in the exact, i mean EXACT spot that you were in right now. Im torn. I feel very guilty but my feelings for him are way to strong. Its complicated. I never wanted to be "the other woman." But sometimes, thats just how things happen. Hopefully one day SOON i will wake up like you did and realize that if he liked me enough, he would have left her for me. Well just wanted to get that out there. Thanks, this really helped! :)

  47. Ashlee says:

    Thank you for this story. I've been in this exact situation for a year and I pray everyday that I will find the courage and strength to end things for good.

  48. Erika says:

    I'm so glad you posted this because I've been a situation very similar to yours. I've been having trouble dealing with my guilt especially because I haven't told ANYONE about what happened. Not even my best friend. It's just kind of overwhelming sometimes to bear such a large secret. I still feel badly even though my relationship with the guy ended badly. I feel guilty like I used him but I know that in the end i was not thinking with a clear head and he was so who's really to blame right?

  49. Jessica says:

    This POV was interesting… and all the comments as well. I do believe the person in the commitment has to take the most of the blame and can NOT be trusted. The other woman, although deserves some blame, some times has to be looked at on a case-by-case basis.

    My experience is a little ambiguous. There was this guy that I really liked and enjoyed spending time with. We ran with the same circle of friends. I knew 100% he was single from his own word, his facebook, his friends. He took my virginity two years ago. Since then we've gone back and forth between being friends and being "more than friends". Eight months ago we decided that we cared for each other enough to be an exclusive couple and see where it went. I was always leery of his ex-girlfriend because he told me how she treated him, and how his friends perceived her and their past relationship. While I was away at training I finally found proof that he had been emotionally, once or twice physically (she lived far away), cheating one me. I broke up with him as soon as I came home. I didn't even want to be his friend anymore since I couldn't trust him.

    But it makes me wonder if they had been "together" all a long and I was just a body to fill the void, or if old feelings came up and he realized he wanted to go back.

    Its a little hard to tell who is really the other woman, but the one at fault was the guy who played us both.

  50. Nola says:

    You gave ur side, but still think you're a good person. I don't buy this crap from ppl. If you could knowingly hurt someone, you are a terrible person, hey i can admit i am, so why can't you and so many others? If you expect ppl to come on here and applaud you for spilling your guts about how you got your happiness at the expense of someone else's unhappiness, you're wrong. Plz spare me the half remorse.I know your kind.

  51. autterpop says:

    This is the email stream between myself and ‘the girlfriend’ once I realized I had been duped, called the guy out and he got abusive towards me.

    To Girlfriend:
    I don’t know you and definitely torn on writing you, but if I was you I’d want to know what lame shit a guy is pulling on me and the countless amount of lies he might be telling me….on top of the fact he keeps accusing me of writing you, so finally I am now.

    Maybe you guys have an ‘open’ relationship where you’re free to sleep with others, etc. Honestly, your relationship with Joey shouldn’t be any of my business, but he made it my business by going out of his way to meet me, pursuing me since late June, hanging out, sleeping with me and intensely planning a 2 week trip with me that we ended up canceling.

    Yet, lie after lie has come out over these few months. When I questioned him about other girls, he said I was the only one he was talking to and vehemently denied he had a girlfriend. It came to light that I had in fact walked him to the train when he went away with you for 4th of July, the night you were waiting at Hunter, while he was off meeting me. Then he texted me that whole week while he was with you and made plans to meet up again. After learning all this stuff, I was literally sick to my stomach, but again he swore over and over again that he didn’t have a girlfriend and that you were not his girlfriend (bible), among other things. Whenever he wasn’t available by phone, he must have been seeing you and vice versa. At one point when I asked him about it, he showed me texts to prove he wasn’t with you and were ‘on break’, but seeing that you ‘don’t do breaks..worst idea ever’, apparently he does do breaks whenever he thinks it convenient..or just as he is about to go meet another girl. He didn’t show me this stuff until we had already hung out and were involved. The lies continued and I found out after the fact that he would see you on a Saturday and then me on Monday. I’m thinking there might be other girls as he made a joke once that he was talking to 3. And my suspicions only rose when he wouldn’t be friends on FB..but had told me he had already ‘stalked my profile’. Funny now I see your picture together as if you were a happy, super in love couple.

    Again. Maybe you are fine and dandy with this. Maybe that’s the arrangement you have. I’m not the kind of person who is. I do exclusive. It makes me sick to think someone would go out of their way to mess with someone’s mind and emotions…but that is what he has done to me for 2 months. And yes, I’m angry. My heart is still fragile from a devastating breakup I had last year and the last thing I needed was this guy messing with my life. I asked alot of people how I should handle this and they all asked if it was me, would I want to know if I was you. Others said, maybe she doesn’t want to know or maybe she’s ok with it, or maybe she will turn it around on you. Whatever way it is, now you know. Maybe you guys are meant for each other. I can only imagine what he is telling you or has told you about me or what he will tell you about me now…but what’s written here is a truth that I felt needed to be told. And whatever he might tell you about me just might not be the truth. I guess who am I for you to believe? But honestly, why would I even be concerning myself or be this upset if this wasn’t true? All of us girls deserve better.

    Good luck, because from what I can tell he is a real dog. And it’s really too bad. He seemed so charming and sweet.

    From Girlfriend:


    Thank you, I really appreciate you letting me know. I would have done the same… I was just wondering if you guys really had slept together or you’re just saying it because you’re angry.

    Response to Girlfriend:
    Sorry to say everything I wrote is the absolute truth. All of it. I didn’t make anything up just to make it up or because I’m angry. Mainly, I’m angry that there are people out there that think it’s ok to treat people like this.

    I actually tried to CC him, but there was no way to do that on FB…but it’s good you emailed it to him. I think he needed to read it. After getting a rapped voicemail and 25 missed calls last night, I finally gave in and spoke to him after he promised he wouldn’t cuss at me or be abusive. Of course he cussed at me and was abusive. He never once apologized for doing the things he did and continues to deny he has done anything wrong, that it was all a JOKE. Well my heart and head are not a joke. And I’m sure yours aren’t either. I clearly told him that trampling on people’s hearts and trust isn’t cool in my morality book.

    He is always a master at trying to making you feel bad for him…which because of my sensitive heart I always did, wanting to believe people were full of truth and good intentions. I had told him how fragile my heart was and he seemed to feed on this…because what an easy target! Lucky me. He may care about you, but I guess wants his cake and eat it too, and from what I gathered was proud of his achievements at the time. Now he’s mad at me for not taking his shit and bursting his bubble and of course said some really nasty things and threatened me. After all he denied with me, I am sure he is denying to you what I have written and is turning it all back on me.

    He thinks that I manipulated what I wrote, but I truly called it how I saw it to be. I mean when everything is built on lies, one doesn’t even know what is the truth or real anymore…and you keep hoping for the best. He was also really concerned that I had written that I saw your picture together ‘now’ and that I had in fact seen it way back in July. It’s true I saw it before, but that is when he denied having a gf and that he wasn’t with you, never saw you and more things I don’t need to pass on. There is always more to the story.

    But what really gets me is he came looking for me, answered my dating ad and he was the only one I responded to out of a hundred. FML. 1 out of 100 odds. He was super charming and texted me everyday for weeks luring me into his world until things got more and more heated…and here we are. Yea. FML. I’m sure you are saying the same thing. Sorry to be the messenger too, but I just couldn’t stand for it. It’s really depressing.

  52. courtney says:

    I think that maybe the guy is to blame in the beginning for initiating it, but I think that if you find out about the girlfriend and continue to see the boy, then you’re equally responsible.

  53. Juliaskids says:

    Reads like this man was single. Had he been married with children would have lack of self control still win out over morality?

  54. landofpop says:

    Yea. I would say I was equally responsible for trusting him. I didn't continue to see him after I 'found' out or had proof of the girlfriend. If you read closely, he initiated everything, saying he was looking for a relationship, wasn't with anyone, hadn't been with anyone in months, yada yada yada…I mean he intentionally misled me. Are you supposed to put everyone you meet through a lie detector test when you first meet? I'm pretty street smart, logical and analytical and yes, I GOT PLAYED. He was charming and super sweet, consistently pursuing me for two months, giving attention, wanting attention. When I saw any sign of something suspicious, he vehemently denied there was a girlfriend, said they had never been boyfriend, girlfriend and that she had moved in May. I had no other proof of anything and had no mutual friend to bounce it off of. When I finally had proof and confronted him (and mind you…stopped seeing him), he still denied it and turned ugly and abusive on me. That is when I wrote the girl I found out about..which was of course through facebook. Not from anything he had shared or shown me. I guess we all have to do our homework before ever trusting another human being. And while we are doing this homework…we then become the crazy suspicious one.

    As to Julia's comment. It doesn't take marriage to make you not single. Committed, monogamous relationships means you're not single. If she and him had an 'open' relationship, then maybe he would be considered single…and I was leaving that open to debate when I wrote her. Apparently that wasn't the case though. She wrote me more after this…but I think she's staying with him..the lying, cheating, deceptive dog that he is. Good luck with that.

  55. autterpop says:

    and oh yea, forgot to say i felt compelled to write that letter to her (above)to alert her to what had been really going on, so she can deal with it as she sees fit. but also to finally once and for all get him to stop calling me. once he found out i wrote her is when he called me non-stop 25x until I answered for his last hurrah; said he hoped i would be alone forever and still claimed he hadn't done anything wrong. in his book, lying, misleading and toying with a girls heart and mind, while cheating on his gf is not wrong. this boy wreaked alot of havoc on my life. and try as i might, this was the only thing that actually put a stop to it.

  56. SOUL4REAL says:

    This is an emotional thing when a woman get mad at the other woman.when you have matured you understand that the other woman is being lied to,he's the corporate,he's the one in the relationship, the other woman only goes by what he have told her. Men have been doing this for years,women have got to wake up to the truth,STOP getting mad at the other woman,get mad at your man!If your man is cheating,you don't need him anyway,let his a** go! Some men think they are some type of god,but they are NOT, they are only human beings. Once he leave,he out of the relationship,DON"T take him back,because you are setting yourself up for him to cheat again,it's like giving him permission to go and cheat on you.WAKE UP WOMEN,TIME DOESN"T WAIT ON NO ONE!

    1. Black Iris says:

      But the other woman should be smart enough to realize he's lying, unless she's really young.

    2. cat says:

      If that were the case, the wife should be smart enough to know he's lying too…

  57. lustorlove says:

    i'm currently going through something similar. im in college, only 19 and i've been flirting with a guy i know has a gf. a couple months ago he took my virginity after a night of drinking, we both felt horrible but now we're back to flirting and always get close to sleeping together again. she's a terrible gf, treats him like shit, never visits him and blames him for everything. with a gf like that who wouldn't cheat.
    of course i feel terrible but at the same time she should treat her bf better. i'm so confused.

    1. lustorlove says:

      RE: i'm currently going through something similar. im in college, only 19 and i've been flirting with a guy i know has a gf. a couple months ago he took my virginity after a night of drinking, we both felt horrible but now we're back to flirting and always get close to sleeping together again. she's a terrible gf, treats him like shit, never visits him and blames him for everything. with a gf like that who wouldn't cheat.
      of course i feel terrible but at the same time she should treat her bf better. i'm so confused.

      answ- wake up you werean easy fuck and stupid
      abvous believes anythng told
      he went with u b/c you give up more

    2. Black Iris says:

      Don't judge his girlfriend. You don't know her side of the story.

      What you do know is that he is a bad boyfriend. He is treating his girlfriend badly. If she's treating him badly, he needs to stand up to her or get out of the relationship. He hasn't and he probably likes being with her for some reason.

      Get away from him. He won't treat you well.

  58. Kate says:

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    Now we just need you to tell us all about that affair! We don't need names. Just all the tantalizing juicy juice… Funny stories, quirks, secrets and lies, we want to hear it all. If you live in the tri-state area (New York – New Jersey – Pennsylvania), and are available to film on July 6th (Or want to refer someone who IS), give us a call with the dirt!

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  59. Megumi says:

    hays.what a tragedy..i can relate on all of the post above..It's really hard to back out , when girls accept the guy even though in the first place she knew that his already committed..every day and night all i can do is cry, i know this is my own stupidity but i really don't how to end it. Loving him and being loved by him is the best thing that happened to me, though i don't really know if everything that he said to me is the truth..what can i do? I want to die, why can't I just leave him alone. I didn't dream to be the "The Other Woman". What i want is to be love by a person whom i know is really sincere in everything he says or do….Can someone help me take out the stupidity out of my system..

  60. anonymousspeaker says:

    i could realte to this alot its not the other women falut it just simply happens it exciting at first but after while you get some sence into yourself that you dont want to be the second girl in a mans life

  61. Lisa says:

    I found out I was cheated on while I was pregnant with our child. He met a girl and persued her for a week…she knew all about me and about our baby..and yet…she slept with him anyway.

    I blame him and I blame her. I am sorry, but once you KNOW about the girlfriend/fiance/wife..I don't care what your feelings are, you have no business being with that man. Have the decency to cut off contact and walk away. I don't personally know the woman he slept with, all I know is that she haunts my dreams on a daily basis. I was in love and happy…and this woman knowingly took part in one of the most hurtful things that has ever happened to me. My heart was broken so that two people could hook up. Sex isn't worth my tears and pain that I feel on a daily basis. Sex isn't worth looking at my daughter now and knowing her daddy cheated on me while I was pregnant with her. What he did was horrible, what she did was horrible. What all of you "other woman" do is horrible. When you KNOW about us and do it anyway, you become just as culpable as he is. Be decent human beings next time..and just walk away. Get your own man.

  62. Jucole says:

    The other woman is not the source of the problem. She is only a symptom of it. Face it ladies… If he can't stay faithful to you, then accept the fact that he's not the one for you & just move on. In other words let go of who is wrong & go find yourself true happiness. It took me 6 years of desperately trying to change my ex-husband & shoe away mistresses to just finally accept the fact that he wasn't the one for me & never would be. At the end of our marriage I didn't care anymore about his affairs. All I knew was that I wasn't happy with him. He always denied everything & constantly lied about his feelings towards me. His actions & what he felt deep down couldn't hide the truth. He never loved me to begin with & I can honestly say that I never loved him for he truly was either.
    My marriage taught be alot about relationships & men in generally & I can say now that I don't have any respect for fake marriages. The ones where one or both are in it for money, power, or convenience. Hell, alot of people don't know what love is anyways so the way I see it most of us are living a lie.

  63. LifeGoesOn says:

    No woman ever wants to be the OW. There is no joy in the role what with all the hiding, lying and pretense. But when you are in love or you think you are, you become capable of committing even the most shameful acts which you cannot recognise as being shameful while you are in the relationship because you have a major conflict of interest-you want to end up with him.Cheating or being a willing party to enable cheating is never right but in some cases the OW is like any other woman out there- looking for love and thinking she has found it. While she feels guilty about what she is doing, it is difficult to extricate herself from the situation as she has fallen too deep and may even believe that he is the one. It doesn’t help when he tells her that he is madly in love with her too and things weren’t going well anyway with his legitimate partner. So the OW gets caught in this web, unable to leave because her heart is bound and her head telling her what she’s doing is wrong is drowned out. And so begins the heartache where everyone gets hurt (ignorance may be bliss for the unaware party) and in the end nobody wins. If you are the OW, walk away and don’t look back. Let him sort his shit out first if any. If not, wives should be aware of how capable men are of straying and better you walk away too or you are in for a lifetime of heartache with a guy like that.

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