Overheard: Slim Pickings

By John

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over. You know there’s a lot of funny things to be heard on your campus, so take off those (faux) Burberry ear muffs and tune in.

(Guy, walking out of a package store with three 30-packs of beer.)

Guy: Yeah, I’ve been trying really hard on this whole “New Year’s Resolution” thing. Think I’m doing okay so far.

(Girl, talking to a guy at a bar.)

Girl: Are you related to that guy on stage?

Guy: Who?

Girl: You look a lot like him.

Guy: No, I don’t.

Woman: Okay, you’re right. I’m just trying to hit on you.

(Girl, complaining in the student union lounge.)

Girl: I used to like Gaga, you know, back when I thought she was a hermaphrodite. Like, I’d watch her, and I’d be like “yeah, this is good, I like this,” but I was always on my toes. Because you never know when something might just – pop out! It was exciting.

(Two girls, talking in a nearby restaurant booth.)

Girl: It was like … I touched him, you know, in … how d’you say. His penis.

(Professor, working with a winter session math class.)

Student: I don’t get this problem. So we can get the gas halfway across the desert, but then we still have to get back. Seems impossible.

Prof: *chuckling* Ask your dad when you’re older.

(Girl and a guy, talking outside an apartment.)

Girl: Just … listen, if you hear anything that sounds like a door opening and people stealing all my stuff, try and stop them, okay?

(Guy in a Dunkin’ Donuts line, talking to a girl.)

Guy: New thing I did last night. I tried typing, you know, random nouns into Ebay. Like “stuff” and “product.” And see what happens. It was fun.

Girl: This is why you still live with your mom.

(Girl, guy, talking over coffee.)

Guy: She made me a mix CD before I left.

Girl: Uh-oh. That’s it. She wants you.

Guy: You think so?

Girl: That mix CD is like her womb enveloping your musical taste. She wants to take you and birth you as her own.

(Two girls, in a movie theater hallway.)

Girl 1: Avatar? No, it was Fatatar.

Girl 2: The best part was when they blew up Home Pizza.