![Channing Tatum’s 18 Hottest Moments [Photos]](http://s2.wp.com/imgpress?url=http%3A%2F%2Fcollegecandy.files.wordpress.com%2F2012%2F01%2Fchanning-tatum-lead11.jpg&resize=225,135 "Channing Tatum’s 18 Hottest Moments [Photos]")
It’s Not You, It’s Me
January 19, 2010 Posted in Relationships
One summer when I was away at camp I got into a fight with all ten girls in my bunk. For three days, no one would talk to me. Eventually my counselor called me into her cabin and sat me down for a talk. I tried to blame everyone else (“But she cut me in line for water skiing! And she kicked sand onto my towel!”), but Stacy just wasn’t having it.
“If the entire bunk is mad at you, could it be something that you’re doing?” She asked.
I started to cry. Not because she was right – those girls were being cruel to me, not the other way around – but because now even my counselor was being mean. My 11-year-old mind couldn’t wrap itself around her reasoning. I didn’t do anything wrong and she’s taking their side? Why not call the other girls over and tell them there was something wrong with them? I want my mom.
But now, a little older and a whole lot wiser, I wonder if Stacy’s argument holds true.
I’ve been single for three years now. Three long years. I’ve had my fair share of post-bar trysts, but nothing that hasn’t ended with a few awkward stares as I strolled back to my place in the outfit I wore the night before. I’ve also had a few dates here and there but, again, none of it ever panned out. I’d like to think it was all my choice – that there was something wrong with each and every one of the guys I’ve gotten naked/drinks with – but now I’m beginning to wonder if maybe the problem isn’t with all of them and is actually with me.
Yeah, I didn’t call them, but they never called either.
And yeah, I was fine with having a little late night fun, but why didn’t any of those guys ever call me when they weren’t on their way to Panchero’s for a 3am burrito?
I think I’m a pretty great person – my friends seem to like me well enough – but there can’t possibly be something wrong with each and every guy I’ve interacted with in 3 years. And if that’s the case, then the only other possible option is me. I’m the common denominator. I’m the only other factor in this equation. And that means I have to change.
But change what?
And how?
And is that even fair?
I have always refused to change for anybody – I am who I am and that’s it. If you like me, great; if you don’t, then get out of my way. Should I really have to change just to rope in a boyfriend? And even if I figure out what I’m doing wrong and change it up, won’t that just be the beginning of a really inauthentic relationship?
But at the same time, it’s not them it’s me. And is it really worth fighting change if that means I’m going to end up alone?
Tell us what you're thinking...
Lindsay Lohan's New Photo Shoot Is Full of Cleavage
Someone Tried to Extort The Duggars… So They'd Be Cancelled
So Snoop Dog Recorded a Rap About Porn
Lady Gaga Is Starting a Social Media Site for Her Fans
Kris Humphries Has Some Interesting Divorce Demands
Erich says:
Tue, 19th Jan 20106:09 am
Its not that you have to change, you just have to chnage your thinking. I mean if you're goin home with these dudes on the night you meet them, then why would they call back, theres no chase, no mystery. Besides the chances of mister right being the drunk guy whose slinging bull are slim to none. Try other places, get involved in something that way atleast you know you have one thing in common.
Roberto says:
Tue, 19th Jan 20106:10 am
well if you want to meet a great guy, then you should go to places where you can MEET great guys. What do you like to do? what are your hobbies? I really don't think you'll find anything that great at bars, but then again you really never know. Its just a process of growing out of finding mr.right now, to mr.right.
ps. People are always changing, maybe you should can some insecurities that you may have? Changing never has to be a bad thing, in fact, its an indication of growth
Roberto says:
Tue, 19th Jan 20106:13 am
probably one of the only follies of the hook up culture, once you have to go and start looking for someone you want/long-term, you have absolutely no idea what to do.
Bailey says:
Tue, 19th Jan 20103:49 pm
I agree with Roberto on the change is growth thing.
This is something I’ve struggled a lot with over the past two years. I’ve dated the same guy on and off for approaching two and a half years now (wow, really?? how time flies…). We dated very, very seriously for about a year, and then broke up because…well, a lot of reasons. We weren’t mature enough to be that serious yet, and some other things. But that aside.
This past summer, he sat me down and we talked about the future of our relationship. We decided mutually that we needed to take a step back and stop making out and even really being friends for a while, so we could see where we were without each other. We didn’t talk for about six months, and yeah, sometimes it sucked, but it also gave me a LOT of perspective on how I treat people in my life – and I didn’t realize it until I took a step back. I realized that we spent an unhealthy amount of time with each other (and no one else), and that, coming from a household where I’m the oldest girl/princess, I expected him to baby me WAY too much, and I was extremely jealous of his girl friends, and more – all of this I didn’t realize until the “break.”
Since then, we’ve started hanging out again and we’re just kind of casually dating, nothing serious (we decided we’re neither of us ready to drop everything and get married and be that serious, so why even bring it up?), and it’s been so good. Both of us have grown so much as people, and it’s really telling in how we treat each other and how much less seriously we take everything.
So, my suggestion: take a step back, which it sounds like you’re already doing. Think about how you treat people. Think about how you want to be treated. If you find your attitude lacking, make a conscious effort to fix it. It’s a long, sucky process, but it’ll make you so much happier. Of course you shouldn’t compromise everything and lose who you are, but…a lot of times, I find that I can be me, but a better, happier me, if I try to fix these things.
PS Have you read The Five Love Languages? It may be about love, but it’s incredibly helpful for ALL relationships.
I always seem to be so long-winded here. Geez. Sorry.
lyndse says:
Tue, 19th Jan 201010:52 pm
best article i've read all week.
julia says:
Fri, 22nd Jan 20107:44 am
Lauren- I read your stuff all the time and i always think its pretty inspirational for a girl like myself, who seems to be perpetually single. This is the most frustrating problem in the world and I think part of it is the schools we attend–i see you go to michigan where i know greek life is huge and although im at a small school its huge here too. Greek life is a very "hit it and quit it" type of scene, people dont go out to parties looking to meet their future girlfriends. I think part of it is accepting your not gonna meet your sweetheart a frat, everyones drunk and horny and not thinking about the future. Sometimes college life is not conducive to relationships-times have changed, guys used to have to call a girls dorm room to get in touch with her, now its just awkward will he or wont he text back stuff- anyway, i think youre amazing and id love to talk to you some time about being goddamn perpetually single !!
Fallon says:
Fri, 22nd Jan 201010:23 pm
This article so relates to where I am in my life right now. I have been single my entire college career,(This is my third year), and I always complained about their are no guys on campus or I'm just not going to the right places like the library with my friends after each failed attempt of starting a relationship. I would always ask my friends "Is it me?" and the would assure me it wasn't me, those guys were just douches and a**holes. They were right, those guys were bad-to me- but they always seemed to be in a relationship right after me, even if it only lasted one month. After two really bad endings, I noticed that two boys who never met each other had the same critique of me.
I heard about emotionally unavailable men and the signs to identifying one were all characteristics of the boys I talked to. Then I read if you are attracting emotionally unavailable men, you have to be emotionally unavailable. I was doing the same things as the guys, not letting them get to close in fear of getting hurt. Now that I know I actually was a large problem in being able to find a relationship, I took a step the back and I am focusing on making myself the person I want to be so I can attract the man I want.
nessa says:
Mon, 25th Jan 201010:57 am
MY LIFE EXACTLY
In elementary school I was the odd kid out.
In high school I had like two long term boyfriends. (6 months and a year)
But now I'm at college and have been single for like almost two years. NOT OKAY (I mean I don't need to have a bf, but I like having one)
Alls guys ever want to do is hook up and I'm not okay with that.
DateDaily says:
Wed, 27th Jan 20107:28 am
This is what inspired 6 Lies Single Women Tell Themselves: http://datedaily.com/dating/for-her-only/dating-a…
mollination says:
Thu, 28th Jan 20105:39 pm
It's possible that it's you – but it's possible that we ALL have stuff we should change.
I just wanted to let you know, I was actually single for about the same amount of time as well, and I did not meet one quality guy for THREE WHOLE years. I started thinking my ex was the best there was out there.
Then, out of nowhere, in the most unlikely of ways I did meet a great guy. I didn't think I had anything in common with him, and I met him through someone i was NOTHING like, but he was attractive so I went.
He's great, and I'm happy. Even if it doesn't work out between us, it made me realize that it IS hard to meet great guys, but to not give up hope that they're out there. We see them all the time on t.v. and in other relationships, sometimes it just takes a while to find one for you as they are a rare breed.