Single. And Confused

January 22, 2010     Posted in Relationships

So I met this guy right before break. We hit it off immediately, joking in the library’s coffee shop line despite the fact that I dropped my huge Econ textbook on his toe. He seemed to be nice enough, and funny too. We even had a few mutual friends, so I ran into him in the cafeteria for lunch one day.


By Emmy

He texted me every once in a while, and sometimes we would chat on Facebook; you know the drill. I saw him again at the bank; he offered to proofread my paper, invited me to a party, yadda, yadda, yadda. (Insert obnoxious movie montage of cute bonding scenes here.) We even kept in touch over winter break.

It wasn’t a head-over-heels situation, but the boy was nice enough. I enjoyed talking to him, I looked forward to seeing him when I got back to school, and it was just nice to have a guy pursuing me. Every girl loves that.

But then, as soon as I got back to school, he just disappeared. Like completely. He stopped texting me and chatting online with me. I never even ran into him on campus anymore. No matter how hard I suddenly started to try.

And then I began obsessing. I’d log onto Facebook 20 times a day (as opposed to my usual 10) and check to see if he’d been on. Or added new photos. Or had some new girl writing on his wall. I’d keep my cell phone on uber loud and jump across the room when it blared, feeling my heart sink when it was just a text from my mom. I even went back to that same coffee shop in the library on the same day of the week when we met, hoping he might be there. And he was not.

Saying these things out loud (or typing them for the world to see) is embarrassing, because I am generally a (somewhat) rational person. But I just got too caught up in the whole situation to pull back and look at it rationally. If I had, maybe I would have noticed that I didn’t really like this kid. What I liked was being pursued and now that it was no longer happening, it stung.

It is one of the more confusing aspects of being a single girl; the moment that a guy starts being unavailable, we find ourselves convinced that he is our soul mate and become frantic to talk to him again. We confuse our feelings, letting our pride get in the way. We want so badly to be liked that we muddle our desire to be pursued and loved, and the desire to be with that person. Soon we’re planning a wedding to a kid who won’t even Facebook chat us when we’re both online. The same kid that we weren’t totally into just a few weeks before.

Eventually we stop. Some of us get so worked up, have a mini breakdown, call him 17 times and give up. Others, like myself, wake up one day (after walking past his dorm to see if he’s home and putting on makeup to go to the library to “study”) and realize that we had gotten so caught up in wondering if he liked us that we had forgotten to ask the most important question of all: Do we like him?

Because our opinion matters too! Dating is a two-way street and we can’t forget that our feelings count. We can’t let our pride get the best of us and dictate our actions. In order to lead a happier (and saner) single girl life, we have to stop, evaluate, and separate our feelings for him from our feelings for our shattered ego.

Easier said than done, right?

41 Comments on "Single. And Confused"

  1. foxjacket says:
    Fri, 22nd Jan 201011:24 am 

    So, did you actually like him?

  2. Dia says:
    Fri, 22nd Jan 201011:25 am 

    and while you obsess over him the next time you do see him you'll be disappointed (not as excited/not looking as cute as he behaved), happens to me all the time

  3. grace b says:
    Fri, 22nd Jan 201011:53 am 

    Thank you for pretty much describing why I'm single. I think it's tough here—did I do something wrong? Or is just not interested? I think if we can try to nurture our relationships to be more conversational then we would run away from them less–or at least be honest with each other.

  4. Adrienne says:
    Fri, 22nd Jan 201012:16 pm 

    Yes, yes, YES! I know exactly what you're talking about. So much of the obsessiveness stems from the fact that your pride is hurt by not understanding why that casual pursuit just vanishes. It can't be because he gave up, because he was never that insistent and you definitely went along with the flirting. So what was it? Gossip? Did he hear something? It's infuriating! So much so that it's easy to forget that you were the one being pursued in the first place, not the pursuer.

  5. TG says:
    Fri, 22nd Jan 20101:10 pm 

    Wow, I can completely relate. Great article!

  6. Laura says:
    Fri, 22nd Jan 20101:12 pm 

    Wow… this is my life story right now…

  7. Tina says:
    Fri, 22nd Jan 20101:41 pm 

    I relate too well. I have a big thing for this guy I know, but he'll text me and say he wants to see me, but doesn't follow through. Ugh.

  8. Kate says:
    Fri, 22nd Jan 20102:20 pm 

    I can also relate. I went out a few times with this guy who seemed really into me before break, and then in the middle of break he unceremoniously blocked me from being able to view pretty much his entire Facebook profile, including his wall, with absolutely no explanation given. I'm assuming that he's just a total manwhore who's trying to cover his tracks, which is too bad because he seemed like a good guy for a while there. Whatever; we can do better than losers like these!

  9. T says:
    Fri, 22nd Jan 20102:36 pm 

    So true! I can't figure out why I let myself do this. Possibly because my imagination goes wild about what the guy COULD be like without actually getting to know him. So in my head, he is ideal. And when things don't work out, I am left obsessing and wondering what happened.

  10. Annie says:
    Fri, 22nd Jan 20102:50 pm 

    I can definitely relate, although my story is a little different. I'm a senior and have been friends with this guy all through college. We started "hooking up" (just making out) my sophomore year and it had been kind of off and on since then. Last semester though we definitely got a little more serious, mostly in a physical sense but kind of emotional too I suppose. We chatted over the break too, but now in the few weeks we've been back I haven't heard from him once. I've seen him a few times in passing, but he seems like he is trying to ignore me. We've said hi once or twice, but the whole thing is so weird. Everything seemed fine, and it's not like we were rushing into things too fast or anything, so I don't know what's causing this. But you're right – the more I think about this the more I have to wonder, is he even worth it? It's not like I feel like I can call him out on it though since we're not "in a relationship" and I don't want to come across as a crazy stalker. Boys are so confusing.

  11. Kate says:
    Fri, 22nd Jan 20106:07 pm 

    Exactly.

  12. Emily says:
    Fri, 22nd Jan 20109:16 pm 

    Hit the nail on the head!!

  13. Fallon says:
    Fri, 22nd Jan 201010:03 pm 

    OMG….the same thing happened to me last semester only I work with the guy and he lived around the corner from me. We went on a couple of dates and he came over a few times. We finally kissed then it was all over. It was so awkward because he ignored my texts and phone calls but started conversations at work, I guess to keep things friendly because I'm a host and he's a server so I can mess with his money lol. I got so upset that I sent him a text telling him just tell me you don't like me instead of avoiding me, twice. Four weeks later, he sent me a text on my birthday. Like you, I didn't really like him at all, I just wanted some company but couldn't believe that he just didn't want me…his loss

  14. sara says:
    Sat, 23rd Jan 20106:08 am 

    Yep… this pretty much describes my life right now too.

  15. Megan says:
    Sat, 23rd Jan 201011:20 am 

    Great post! I especially liked reading this because I just went through something similar to this (and it's something that really hasn't happened to me before). We were friends before and then started hanging out more. The entire time, I kept trying to not get too emotionally involved because my first impression of him wasn't a good one. Once everything stopped (not answering my texts or talking to me while we're both online), I was still hurt.

    I guess we just like to have someone that seems interested in us and when everything stops, we always wonder what we did wrong.

  16. Tina says:
    Sat, 23rd Jan 201012:42 pm 

    I'm feeling better seeing that so many of us are in the same boat, but yet it seems like all guys do this, so I'm not feeling hopeful for the future.

  17. CollegeGirl says:
    Sat, 23rd Jan 20104:04 pm 

    Yes!! This is SO true. This semester, I wasn't into a guy and then I thought I was because he started pursuing me and it sucks because after a while, HE ended it and I was left feeling, what did I do wrong? Obviously, it's nothing we did…if they liked us before, and we didn't change, how can they not like us now? Idk I just have to believe that guys are weird..and maybe they change their minds a lot easier.

  18. Lindsey says:
    Sun, 24th Jan 20108:28 am 

    This is amazing. This is literally EXACTLY what I'm going through right now (and am constantly going through). It's hard to admit and it sounds SO silly when you say it out loud or hear it from someone else. My situation is a little different because we have been really good friends for a long time and this year we started hooking up. Recently, I've found myself thinking about him all the time. Then I stop and think about it and it seems ridiculous. Like, when did this guy become so important? When did he stop being just another friend that I like hanging out with and start being someone that I was to be around all the time? It's nice to know that others are going through the same thing.

  19. natashagaiski says:
    Sun, 24th Jan 20103:27 pm 

    yeah, very true.

    been there, done that.

    luckily I figured it out, but I am glad this article was written. It's important to realize this situation, or else it results in behavior that is so confusing.

  20. krystle says:
    Sun, 24th Jan 20108:05 pm 

    i LOVE this article..it's so true! sometimes we get so caught up in the chase, that we forget why we're evening running. We are naturally prone to want things we can't have..and as soon as he's unattainable..a big question mark appears and girls compensate to see what THEY did wrong..when in the end, the guys are just not interested anymore. GOOD FOR YOU FOR REALIZING that he's NOT worth your time because who really wants just a 'nice enough' guy. Save you time for something WORTHWHILE :)

  21. Bob says:
    Sun, 24th Jan 20108:37 pm 

    I think some guys just don't know how to assess their own "flirt level". For example, what he may think he's laying it on thick like Pepe Lepew when in fact while the girl thinks he's just being casual. If the girl merely plays along and doesn't give off any signs of being particularly interested, the guy will feel like an idiot and give up.

    Just look at the ridiculously stupid advice that those girly mags dish out. Flirting tips like licking your lips or pointing your toes at him? No guy in the world is going to pick up on that unless he's some out of control egomaniac who is willing to believe that every girl is subconsciously hitting on him. Most sensible guys will play devil's advocate on most "signs" that he sees from a girl he's pursuing, because the risk of humiliation and disappointment from over-optimistic judgment is a big pitfall.

    I feel like girls can be too selfish in the game. They want to be pursued and flirted with and asked out and basically fawned over. However, they do little to encourage the guy. Batting your eyelashes at him from across the room does not count. Even in the case where he does notice you, he probably just thinks your contacts are dusty or you have Tourette's. Isn't this just a case of extreme narcissism, where girls think their every little movement should and needs to be observed by guys? News flash: most of us don't even know what colour your eyes are.

    So if you're a girl and your pursuers seem to vanish for some kind of inexplicable reason, ask yourself if you're fully engagement in the pursuit or are just basking in its ego-fulfilling glory.

  22. Erich says:
    Mon, 25th Jan 20106:39 am 

    I think both guys and girls can relate to this. Sometimes we men pursue and the women stop talking to us, or we pursue, but its not enough of and they just disapear and every woman is diff when it comes to this, some want all the attention and others want a lil attention. Sometimes It's like Damn, why we bullshitting? We are both adults and we both know what we want.

  23. Caitlin says:
    Mon, 25th Jan 20105:42 pm 

    Wow, this is so true! I JUST went through something like this, and I kept having this nagging thought that I didn't really like him, but for some reason I was obsessed with him anyway..I just couldn't put my finger on why, but you nailed it. It makes me feel better to read it, so thanks for putting yourself out there despite the embarrassment – lots of us can relate.

  24. danbirnbaum says:
    Wed, 27th Jan 201011:07 am 

    Girls: Check Out Some Of The Mistakes Your Making When You Date

    http://www.precioustimeny.com/blog/?p=9174

  25. samantha says:
    Thu, 28th Jan 20105:06 am 

    I was so surprised to see your article because you have articulated my feelings to a T, and I was even more surprised to see all the comments that so many people feel this way! I thought it was just me. What you're saying is so true, we crave the attention even though we're not completely sure if we like the person, and when the attention is removed we're just like hey…wait a minute! and we want to get it back, even though we might not necessarily even like the person that much. I think it applies to breakups too. Sometimes, you know the relationship isn't going that well, or you just don't really click with the person as much as you two would like, but if they break up with you, you suddenly forget all the bad/mediocre things that happened and start glorifying the person mentally and beating yourself up for not making it work. It is our own ego. I'm so glad you wrote this!

  26. Alesha says:
    Thu, 28th Jan 201012:12 pm 

    it's amazing that you wrote this article cuz the very same thing just happened to me..i realized that i needed to move on and find someone i could actually be with..maybe i should stop chasing the gus that apparently dont want me..i can find someone better

  27. Lains says:
    Thu, 28th Jan 20104:14 pm 

    I have this problem 100% of the time. lol. Guys suck.

  28. mischa says:
    Sun, 31st Jan 20104:57 am 

    guys should stop stringing ppl along!! i hate that they do that ever so casually. look at how many girls have had the same experiences!! lains i second that. boys suck!

  29. Jp says:
    Sun, 31st Jan 201010:16 am 

    You've got great logic.

    Sometimes these things need a little more brainwork, than anything else (the heart being the sexy advertising billboard that it is, along with all the fourth-rate love songs out there.)

    What you describe…cuts through the mush. Bravo- for considering your own likes, dislikes, and good taste, for a change.

    Big bright neon sign and red flag…surrounding that simple statement / the realization that the main issue is not whether YOU are found worthy – but what your own personal estimation of worthiness actually happens to be. That takes all the weight off your shoulders, and shares it out a little.

    I don't often read through stuff like this, but there was something curiously compelling about the elegance of your expression. Yes, elegance. (Sometimes the rules of eloquence require a bit of that.)

    Just another side alley trip down the avenue to the real thing?

    Probably. Each and every one of those side trips teach you a little more about yourself.

    (you even taught me a little something…but I ain't tellin'!)

  30. dancing oranges says:
    Sun, 31st Jan 201010:18 am 

    OMG, wow i thought i was the only going thru this stinker but guess not! b/c of that dude life has kinda spotted being a super sunshine, but im getting better lol ive decided to let go cuz its un healthy to be like that lol but im glad to know im not the only one :)

  31. Javier says:
    Sun, 31st Jan 20104:52 pm 

    It also happens to men actually…^_^

  32. clara says:
    Mon, 1st Feb 201010:55 am 

    AHAHAHAHAHAA this is me right now.

    I basically feel like I've lost all self respect whenever I think about him, check Facebook, whatever. I don't even know if I like him a significant amount.

    I'll get over it eventually, and regain my sanity, but not just yet. Urrrrgh!

  33. Chris says:
    Sat, 13th Feb 201012:12 pm 

    Wow this is exactly my life right now. What happend to you happend with the last 2 guys I was "talking to" and I had no idea what went wrong. Glad to know im not alone. Im also happy about the male response…made me realize that there IS something im doing wrong.

  34. Leena says:
    Mon, 15th Feb 20101:49 am 

    i'm surprised of only one thing..that all girls around the world are just exactly the same!! LOL I'm from Egypt, and i was talkin to my friends about this issue yesterday, before i read the article.but we were talkin about how guys behave when u just ignore them, they would die to get u back & when u do decide to get back they reject u!! i myself have passed through all that but i reached the level of not caring that easily about any guy anymore,unless im sure i really like him.. & that he's worth it..my heart is wrapped n can hardly be opened :S

  35. katie says:
    Tue, 16th Feb 20106:24 am 

    Legitimately the same exact thing happened to me…except we hung out a few times this semester and he actually told me he had feeling for me. We had an intense hook-up (Him making it sound like we can actually be together), and the next day he tells me he can't do the relationship because he's leaving he school at the end of the semester.

    So I just felt used and shitty…and betrayed by someone who was actually my friend. Even worse, when I tried talking to him about it he was completely insensitive, disengaged, and told me to get out of his room. But really now, is this motherfucker worth it?

    The more I think about it, the more I feel like an idiot for getting upset in the first place.

  36. Katie says:
    Sun, 21st Feb 20106:42 pm 

    OMG….this just happened to me! This boy that I knew and really had no feelings for started to pursuing me. I was feeling lonely and went along with it. So after a couple of dates I started to like him and then he stopped texting me. I started to feel down and bad about myself wondering what I did wrong. But then I realized that I really didn't like him and just liked the attention he was giving me. Seriously, I realized that there are so many other boys out there and what is the point of obsessing over one that changed his mind and you really weren't into to being with.

  37. Graham says:
    Sun, 21st Feb 201010:44 pm 

    wow… seriously? I'm a guy and all yea, but i did read what you wrote, and simply put… I'vee been through this as well, except it was the girl who stopped all contact with me, now think for a second how you felt when you didn't have feelings for this guy… Now take a moment to TRY and imagine how i felt when the girl i wanted to be with didn't want to know me, i had genuine feelings for her and she just stopped all contact, and those few times we did talk she had nothing to say except insult me, or belittle the thought of me actually having feelings for her. Your topic is invalid due to you NOT having feelings, you act as if your all tore up but you ain't because you didn't care.

  38. LW says:
    Sun, 7th Mar 20102:17 pm 

    love it! Thanks! exactly same situation that happened!

  39. Jake says:
    Sun, 21st Mar 201010:37 pm 

    I recently started ignoring a girl who I had been really interested in for a while. I had tried chasing her for three weeks, and she was very flakey. It was difficult to get hold of her for a date. She only wanted to party and go to bars with me.

    The other night, she was at my place after the bars and insisted that we go meet up with her friends at a party, without even so much as five minutes of making out.

    It hurt me that she wasn't trying to pursue me. I decided to cut my losses and stopped responding to her texts.

    She played 'hard to get' and she is winning since I had to surrender and stop pursuing her. Recently she went crazy and started texting me that I am 'marriage material' and 'the one'. It really drives me nuts because I already gave up on her and just can't bring myself to be attracted to her anymore. She sort of grosses me out now.

    ADVICE

    If I could give advice to the other side – don't play hard to get. Men have made up their decision about you within the first five minutes. If they are attracted, just be yourself and pursue them. You can never make them more attracted, only less.

    I think it's evil to string a guy along just to get attention. It really does wear you out to have to pursue someone. Women will learn what it's like to be men when they hit their 30s – there's nothing as embarrassing as a 30 year old woman trying to hit on college guys and not having any charm.

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